Speaker 1: 0:13

Welcome to Roots of the Rise with me, sarah Hope. Remember episode 36, all about making time for the people you love. Well, I got a follow-up question from a listener. Here it is Can you discuss spending time with an aging parent? You struggle with One that has told you what a terrible daughter you are, when you know you are not. You fear he doesn't have much time but can't bring yourself to visit, especially since he doesn't call or visit. Okay, let's talk about this it. Okay, let's talk about this. Thank you so much for that question, bailey. I'm certain that it's one, unfortunately, too many of us can relate to. Before I get into my thoughts, I just wanted to start by saying you know I'm not a psychologist or a licensed therapist, and this may be something worth bringing it to a professional who's trained to help with this kind of situation. I might be reading between the lines here, but from what you've shared, it sounds like your dad may be, at the very least, emotionally abusive, and if you're not already speaking to someone about it, I really encourage you to consider doing so. This is a complicated, tender, difficult subject, and once you start exploring it, you might discover there's more to unpack than you initially thought, as with anything that brings up like pain or confusion. Just please make sure that you're getting the support you need as you sort through it. All you deserve to be held and supported during the process. Okay, disclaimer over.

Speaker 1: 1:48

Episode 36 was all about doing the math, figuring out how many times you may potentially see the important people in your life before they're gone. Well, maybe you do that math and you realize it's 15 more times and that feels like 15 too many. So what do you do in that case? Right, that's the essence of this question. As I see it, you have three basic options. You can keep going as you have been suffering through every encounter. You can limit the time you spend with them, create some really strong boundaries and hopefully, while you're doing that, try to work on the relationship, say what you need to say, see if there's any way they can work with you to fix these issues. Now, the tangent on that point is that often they can't. Often, you know you'll be seen as the one creating the problem, but naming a problem is not the same as creating a problem, and healing takes both sides to be equal, active and willing participants, and that might not happen. So there's a lot of work. That kind of goes into this possibility of how to continue on work. That is best done when you're supported, which is why I mentioned, you know, maybe having some sort of professional kind of help you through the process. The third option, which should definitely be the last resort, is walking away altogether, stopping contact.

Speaker 1: 3:15

To be clear, this isn't about a kid stuck with a toxic parent. This is about being an adult trying to navigate a painful, complex relationship with a parent who may still be causing harm. Maybe they were absent when you need them the most. Maybe they never apologized, maybe they can't even acknowledge the pain they've caused. You know, let's be honest. When people say, love your parents while you can, someday they'll be gone. Some of us silently think that day can't come soon enough. Not because we're heartless, not because we don't love our parents, but because the relationship is so painful it feels like the only way out.

Speaker 1: 3:57

That was me. I grew up craving my mother's unconditional love, while also wishing she'd disappear, just so the hurt would stop. Of course, that came with so much guilt and shame, adding on to my already felt sense that I was a bad person. But here's the truth you are not a bad person for wanting your pain to end. You're not wrong for needing space from someone who continues to hurt you.

Speaker 1: 4:26

In college I didn't call home unless I absolutely had to. I just wanted space just to breathe, without constriction, the space for my wounds to at least scab over a bit before being picked open again. Not that it worked. My mother still sent me cards in the mail passive, aggressively telling me what a disappointment I was for anything, everything. And while I was in the depths of that pain I had no desire to see or speak to her ever again. And if you had told me that one day I'd miss her, I would have laughed hard, you know. But there's a growing conversation now about how sometimes walking away from your parents isn't just okay, it's necessary. And I get that. I'm here for it. It's almost impossible to heal when you are in constant contact with someone who's actively hurting you. But here's what's also true Healing after that person has died isn't necessarily easier. It's just a different kind of challenge, a different kind of pain.

Speaker 1: 5:28

When my mom died, despite all our work in therapy in the year leading up to her death, I was devastated, not because I lost her per se, but because I lost the possibility of ever having the kind of relationship I'd longed for, lost the possibility of ever having the kind of relationship I'd longed for, even though during therapy it became painfully obvious that she was never going to change, never going to be able to take any personal responsibility, never going to be able to apologize or face the reality of the pain she caused me. You know, death closed the door permanently. So as my dad began to age, I approached things differently. I protected myself while still showing up in a way I could feel okay about. You know, he and I we had our own issues, our own painful, complicated dynamic, and talking to him was often very difficult, very triggering, and I know I'm not alone in this.

Speaker 1: 6:20

I hear it all the time from clients and this is the essence of the question Bailey wrote in with what do you do when every conversation with one or both of your parents feels like nails on chalkboard, when it's so uncomfortable, so hurtful, so hard to bear? It's a common question and unfortunately the truth is there's no one size fits all answer. And unfortunately the truth is there's no one size fits all answer. But here are some things to consider. First of all, the severity of the harm. If there's physical abuse. That's a hard stop. Emotional safety cannot exist without physical safety period. So physical abuse especially if you're worried about it coming at you or coming at your children, physical abuse especially if you're worried about it coming at you or coming at your children that's a clear indication that separation is likely necessary.

Speaker 1: 7:12

You also have to think about the impact on your mental health. If every interaction leaves you raw, anxious, deeply wounded, that's toxic. Maybe that means you need to walk away completely, but maybe it just means you need to severely limit contact or set up supportive measures for yourself, like having a good friend that you talk to before and after you have contact with the parent. You also want to think about the ripple effect on your other relationships. I had a family member who created so much tension in my marriage that my husband eventually said you know she has caused enough chaos in her lives, and that was a major wake up call for me. Protecting, you know, your peace, protecting yourself, may also include needing to protect your closest relationships too, and that can be a tricky dynamic trying to balance everyone's needs, but you do need to think about it. And, lastly, you need to think about what you actually want.

Speaker 1: 8:13

Refer back to nonviolent communication, episode 22. What are you feeling, what are you needing and what are you wanting? And, in some ways, more importantly, in this particular dynamic, are they capable of giving it to you? If you've tried over and over again to fix things and you realize no, they're just not going to change, well, then you have a choice. If the answer is no, after so many attempts of trying to fix things, of trying to make it work, then you get to decide can you accept them as they are and stay in a relationship with boundaries, or do you need to accept them as they are and walk away? Creating those strong boundaries, limiting time exposure, maybe avoiding certain topics to keep the peace Is that the way it should be with your parent? No, but you're already there. They've already proven they aren't an unconditionally loving, supportive parent. You're meeting them where they are because they are incapable of meeting you where you are.

Speaker 1: 9:15

And walking away, cutting off contact, won't necessarily give you the healing you're looking for. It might make things easier in the short term, but it's not a guaranteed answer and it's not a decision to take lightly. Why? Because our parents are part of us, like it or not. They helped shape us, they helped create who we are today. On a deep subconscious level, we are biologically wired to want a relationship with them, no matter how much hurt they've caused. That's why in abusive situations, children almost always blame themselves.

Speaker 1: 9:51

As adults carrying that baggage, healing often means facing the truth of who our parents really are, not who we wish they were. Walking away from them emotionally or physically can be a necessary step, but it also comes with its own kind of reckoning, because in some way walking away from them is also walking away from a part of yourself. Neither path is perfect, neither one is pain-free. But healing doesn't always mean reconciliation. And getting what you want from your parent always mean reconciliation. And getting what you want from your parent and reconciliation doesn't always bring healing. And having them show up as you always wished they would Bottom line.

Speaker 1: 10:32

What's your end game when they're gone, when you no longer have access to them? How are you going to feel? Put yourself there for a moment. Imagine getting that call. They're gone Now. What do you wish you'd said? Sit down and write them a letter, say everything.

Speaker 1: 10:48

If that doesn't help, if you feel really emotionally reactive as you do it, use the journaling protocol from episode five from the Huberman lab, which I've linked below. Use that to help you work through what's bothering you and process your emotions without getting swept away by them. Let yourself get really clear. What do you want to say? And if you've already said it all, imagine how you'll feel about yourself if you cut them out completely. Will you be at peace, or might low contact serve you better? This is a deeply personal decision. No one can tell you the right thing to do. There's no right or wrong, only what supports your healing, your peace and your growth, and that might shift day to day. You might need to only reach out when you're feeling emotionally grounded, or maybe you need structure.

Speaker 1: 11:38

That's what I did with my dad for the last couple years of his life, until Alzheimer's made it impossible. I called him every Friday, just a few minutes. I'd brace myself each time, knowing that the call would be mostly one-sided. He'd talk about his life, asking nothing about mine or what actually bothered me more, about my son, about his grandsons. If I shared anything vulnerable actually anything at all, he'd grunt and change the subject. But I still called because that's what felt right to me, because I loved my dad very much, despite all of the difficulty, all of the complicated stuff between us. I wanted to make those calls, even if I cried after almost every one, because by then I'd already lost both of my moms. I knew what regret felt like and I didn't want to carry it again. Looking back, I'm grateful I showed up as best I could. Would my best look different now? Absolutely, I've healed, I've grown, I've made peace with so much. But that version of me did the best she could and that brings me peace.

Speaker 1: 12:50

So, bailey, to answer your question, could, and that brings me peace. So, bailey, to answer your question, navigating a difficult parent is less about them and more about you. It's about aligning with the kind of person you want to be. If you know deep down that you are a good daughter not, you know lip service, but truly, really a good daughter, then his words don't get to define you. Yes, it still hurts. Every child longs to be seen, loved and understood by their parent. That never fully goes away. But if you can recognize that his inability to love you in the way you deserve has everything to do with his own pain, his own shame, his own story and nothing to do with your worth, then you free yourself and from that centered place, it becomes easier to choose. Do I want this person in my life and if so, how much? From that centered place, you're not reacting from fear or hurt or guilt. You're making a choice from love For them, maybe, but, more importantly, for you.

Speaker 1: 13:58

This stuff is so complicated. There's no clean answer, no perfect question to entangle it all. We just have to keep showing up, healing the illusions we've believed about ourselves, loving ourselves through the process, and sometimes we need help with that. Remember, this is broad, general advice. If this conversation stirred something in you, consider talking to someone who can support you on a deeper level. We're actually going to be talking about a lot of this kind of deep programming, about guilt, about shame, about the way we view ourselves.

Speaker 1: 14:34

As we get into a series that I'm going to begin tomorrow on the chakras. You can think about the chakras as being energy centers in the body that hold our programming related to kind of how we show up in the world. And even if you don't buy into energy systems wonderful if you do. But even if you don't, I think you'll still find this series interesting, because I think we can all agree that we have programming related to survival, our sense of feeling safe in the world, programming related to our sexuality and our emotions, programming related to our sense of power and self-esteem, love how we communicate and connect with others in this world, connected to our intuition and to consciousness itself. We all have programming and belief systems and structures centered around these basic concepts. So in the upcoming weeks I'm going to be starting every Monday with an episode about one of the seven major chakras. So tomorrow will be kind of a general broad overview and then every Monday for the next seven weeks we'll be talking about the chakras starting at number one.

Speaker 1: 15:53

If that sounds exciting for you, please remember to follow or subscribe. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day and remember know who you are. Love who, meditation teacher, energy healer and biodynamic craniosacral therapist with thousands of hours of training in these modalities and more. I'm here to help you discover as many different ideas, therapies, philosophies, spiritual concepts and inner development tools as possible in order to help you become the healthiest, happiest, most authentic version of yourself possible. I'm excited to be on this journey with you. It can be hard at times and there are moments you may feel stuck and very alone. I'm here to tell you you're not. Come with me, let's learn and grow together.