Understanding Boundaries Introduction

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Welcome to Roots of the Rise with me , sarah Hope . You hear about boundaries all the time , but what exactly are they ? What purpose do they serve ? Why are they important ? Here's what I've learned . Are they ? What purpose do they serve ? Why are they important ? Here's what I've learned .

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Brene Brown puts it simply boundaries are about what's okay and what's not . They define what we welcome into our lives and what we don't . When we have clear , strong and smart boundaries , we only allow in the energies , people , opportunities , thoughts and guidance that supports our highest potential . Boundaries help ensure that our true selves , not inherited beliefs , outdated roles , outside expectations , are the ones in charge of our lives .

Signs You Have Boundary Issues

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I want to begin with a quick rundown of some common symptoms of boundary issues . I'm just going to read through the list to see if any of these resonate with you , if they do keep listening .

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Chronic people-pleasing , saying yes when you mean no , feeling guilty for setting limits and prioritizing others' comfort over your own needs . Self-abandonment , acting against your values . Staying silent when you have something to say or adopting beliefs that aren't truly yours to maintain connection . Tolerance of mistreatment or unwanted contact . Accepting physical touch , sex or disrespect . That feels wrong in your body but allowing it to preserve harmony or avoid conflict . Open door access to your time and energy , letting others interrupt or distract you , constantly accommodating their needs at the cost of your own focus and peace . Over-responsibility for others' emotions , absorbing people's moods , their needs , problems , illnesses . Feeling like it's your job to fix or carry what isn't yours . Overgiving as an identity , giving too much to be seen as good , worthy or useful . Deriving value from how much you do for others . Emotional backlash , sudden attacks of negativity , resentment or shame . Emotional exhaustion from carrying the weight of everyone else's suffering . Recurring life difficulties . Patterns of struggle with money , relationships or work that trace back to not honoring your own needs and boundaries . Anxious hypervigilance , constantly scanning for danger , disapproval or rejection . Anxious hypervigilance , constantly scanning for danger , disapproval or rejection . Feeling like you have to anticipate everything in order to stay safe . And , lastly , spiritual disconnection a deep , aching sense that the universe , the divine God , however you want to think about it , is present for everyone but you .

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Now , is this a comprehensive list ? No , but these are some kind of common , major telltale signs that boundaries might be something you want to work on . So today I want to talk about them from three different perspectives which , when combined , give you a really good , complete view of boundaries . In my opinion , this will not be the last time we talk about this , so consider today kind of the basic foundation for future discussion .

Brene Brown's Perspective on Boundaries

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Let's start with Brene Brown . She emphasizes that boundaries are essential for compassion , connection and self-respect . One of my favorite quotes of hers is Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves , even when we risk disappointing others . How often do we say yes when we really mean no ? Or , to tie it into yesterday's discussion , do you say no but then feel guilty , spending days judging yourself for it ? Either way , we're talking about self-harm . Either you're berating yourself for having a boundary or you're becoming overextended , overwhelmed , depleted and unable to give your best to anything because you're just spread too thin . It's important to remember strong boundaries aren't about shutting people out or being selfish . They're about protecting our energy , honoring our truth and showing up more fully and authentically . One of my favorite points from Dare to Lead , which is one of Brene Brown's books , is this Clear is kind , unclear is unkind . We often avoid setting boundaries because we're afraid Afraid of rejection , abandonment , conflict . But in trying to protect others' feelings , we can actually create more harm and confusion in our relationships . Being direct may feel uncomfortable in the moment , but it's ultimately an act of kindness .

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The son of one of my best friends is graduating from high school soon and I am unable to make the graduation party and I feel a lot of discomfort about this . I'm really upset about it . I love this friend so much and this is such a big deal . This is the first of my friend groups , you know , kids to graduate from high school . Everyone's going to be there . I want to be there so badly but it really just does not work for my family . I'm getting emotional thinking about it . It just doesn't work . I can't do it . And so I had to call her and tell her , like I can't make it , and she was wonderful about it . There's no pressure . She understands , the pressure is entirely of my own making . But making that phone call , having that conversation , was really uncomfortable . But I'm glad I did it , because how much worse would it have been had I just let it linger and not responded or put it off , even if it was , because I was trying to figure out if I could make it , which I am still . But to let it linger , that's not kind . It's not kind to set the expectation if it's unrealistic .

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Another key insight from Brene Brown's research is this the most compassionate people are the ones with the strongest boundaries . They ask for what they need , they say no when they need to and when they say yes , they mean it . There's a strong message , especially in spiritual communities , that we're supposed to just give and give and give . But giving without boundaries isn't compassion , it's depletion , it's sacrifice . Without a clear container , our energy leaks and what flows out becomes scattered , chaotic and unsustainable

Energetic Boundaries with Cindy Dale

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. This is also something Cindy Dale , known for her work in energy healing and intuition , speaks about . She highlights that boundaries aren't just physical or mental , emotional . They're also energetic . She writes about this in her book Energetic Boundaries , which I'll link below . If we don't have strong energetic boundaries , we risk absorbing the energy of others . It's not just about worrying for a friend who's going through a tough time . We can actually take on their emotions , their exhaustion , upset , fatigue , which can lead to our own physical illness or emotional instability . Cindy Dale also emphasizes that saying no isn't rejection . It's a sacred act of self-preservation . When we say no to something that drains us , we're protecting our energy and helping to keep it healthy .

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Recently we agreed to host a Kentucky Derby party and I realized , as I was kind of watching the days tick down , even though we're still a couple weeks out that I was so stressed about it . I was feeling really overwhelmed . We've got a lot on our plate right now and the idea of trying to put together like a theme party was just too much . And so I texted the other two you know women involved and I said , look guys , like I am overextended . I should not have agreed to host this . This is where I'm at . Either we can do like a really chill , let's just potluck and relax thing , but if you want something more , you know elaborate , then would one of you want to take over . And they both wrote back , like you know so wonderfully , and like , ah , don't even worry about . Yeah , let's just do something chill , which is great . But again that was me having to say you know , I agreed to something and I'm realizing that I made a mistake and trying to correct it . That again , the discomfort of expressing that , now , not fun , but way better than me stressing out for two and a half weeks about something and then killing myself to make it into something that maybe I didn't even need to . Maybe it wasn't that big of a deal . Big of a deal .

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The other thing that she points out is that maintaining boundaries can be especially challenging for highly sensitive and empathic people this type of person . They feel what others feel so deeply that they have a hard time distinguishing between their own emotions and the other person's . But having strong boundaries means you can stay intuitive without becoming overwhelmed or drained . Again , I relate to this . I've worked really hard on boundary setting because on a daily basis I'm supporting people who are managing emotional distress and trauma . I can't tell you how many times a new client has shared their story often very painful story and then they say to me I don't want to bring you down , I don't want to ruin your day , I'm so sorry that I shared this with you . And they often look like a little surprised when I respond don't worry , you won't . You can tell me anything you need to tell me . You can share any part of your pain and your trauma and it's not going to bring me down , you aren't going to hurt me , you aren't going to burden me by sharing what you've experienced . And I'm being honest .

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My job is to be fully present , to be a loving witness and a clear mirror for my clients as they work through their pain . If I get swept away by their distress . I'm not able to serve them in that way . If I get swept away by their distress , I'm not able to serve them in that way . Boundary work is essential for staying in my own center , in my own light , so I can remain a clear beacon for those who are in the dark . And even though , yes , this is what I do for work , this pertains to you too , pertains to everyone .

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If we want to be fully present for the people in our lives , we cannot allow ourselves to be swept away by their storm . I wasn't always able to do this because , as Gabor Mate teaches us , difficulty with setting boundaries often stems from what else ? Childhood trauma , our early experiences , shape our ability or our struggle to say no and maintain a strong sense of self

Gabor Mate on Trauma and Boundaries

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. If someone grows up in a dysfunctional , emotionally unavailable or very conditional love environment , they may give up their authentic identity and boundaries just to stay safe . As Maté says , when we suppress who we are to be accepted , we lose our boundaries .

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And boundaries are essential for authenticity our ability to know what we feel , to be in touch with the feedback our bodies , energy and emotions are giving us , and to be able to express ourselves fully . As he puts it , the ability to say no is a necessary component of health . This is another reason why boundaries are a form of self-respect , and it's also another reminder that compassion and boundaries can coexist . Being kind doesn't mean being boundary-less . True compassion includes ourselves in the circle of care . What we want are smart boundaries , not so rigid that we don't allow anyone in , not so loose that we have no discernment , expectations or standards . We want boundaries that can shift , given different situations , different people , and we want those boundaries to grow with us as we change , as we learn how to keep our center , no matter what is going on around us , no matter who we are with . We may be able to open to more situations , more people , and the good news is that all three of these very wise , very intelligent , very researched experts on boundaries agree you can do this , no matter the state of your boundaries right now . You can heal and strengthen them on all levels .

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But we don't have time to get into that today , so instead I want to give you some self-awareness questions so that you can start exploring your own relationship with boundaries . So here are five questions . What am I afraid will happen if I set this boundary ? So this helps uncover underlying fears like rejection , guilt , conflict

Self-Awareness Questions and Closing

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, that may be preventing you from asserting your needs . Two when was the last time you said yes when you really wanted to say no ? So reflecting on past situations can help you identify patterns of this difficulty in saying no or people pleasing . Three how do I feel after I set a boundary ? So noticing your emotional response can give you insight into whether you're respecting your own needs or not . Four who in my life respects my boundaries and who doesn't ? So this can help you assess your relationship dynamics and whether they're healthy and mutually respectful or not . Last one , five what do I need in my life right now to feel more grounded and at peace ? So this is to help you gain clarity on what things you can do to help you be stronger in holding your boundaries . So give those questions a thought today . See what comes up for you .

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Just a reminder these episodes are not meant to cover every angle of a topic , so of course , this isn't everything you need to know or understand about boundaries . It's just a starting point . I've linked relevant books by Brene Brown , cindy Dale and Gabor Mate below if you want to dig deeper . If you have any questions or thoughts , please feel free to click the message me button if you're listening on Spotify , or you can always send an email to rootsoftherise at gmailcom . And don't forget to follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode . I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day and remember know who you are , love who you've been and be willing to do the work to become who you want to be .