Speaker 1: 0:13

Welcome to Roots of the Rise with me, sarah Hope. You hear about boundaries all the time, but what exactly are they? What purpose do they serve? Why are they important? Here's what I've learned. Are they? What purpose do they serve? Why are they important? Here's what I've learned.

Speaker 1: 0:35

Brene Brown puts it simply boundaries are about what's okay and what's not. They define what we welcome into our lives and what we don't. When we have clear, strong and smart boundaries, we only allow in the energies, people, opportunities, thoughts and guidance that supports our highest potential. Boundaries help ensure that our true selves, not inherited beliefs, outdated roles, outside expectations, are the ones in charge of our lives. I want to begin with a quick rundown of some common symptoms of boundary issues. I'm just going to read through the list to see if any of these resonate with you, if they do keep listening.

Speaker 1: 1:13

Chronic people-pleasing, saying yes when you mean no, feeling guilty for setting limits and prioritizing others' comfort over your own needs. Self-abandonment, acting against your values. Staying silent when you have something to say or adopting beliefs that aren't truly yours to maintain connection. Tolerance of mistreatment or unwanted contact. Accepting physical touch, sex or disrespect. That feels wrong in your body but allowing it to preserve harmony or avoid conflict. Open door access to your time and energy, letting others interrupt or distract you, constantly accommodating their needs at the cost of your own focus and peace. Over-responsibility for others' emotions, absorbing people's moods, their needs, problems, illnesses. Feeling like it's your job to fix or carry what isn't yours. Overgiving as an identity, giving too much to be seen as good, worthy or useful. Deriving value from how much you do for others. Emotional backlash, sudden attacks of negativity, resentment or shame. Emotional exhaustion from carrying the weight of everyone else's suffering. Recurring life difficulties. Patterns of struggle with money, relationships or work that trace back to not honoring your own needs and boundaries. Anxious hypervigilance, constantly scanning for danger, disapproval or rejection. Anxious hypervigilance, constantly scanning for danger, disapproval or rejection. Feeling like you have to anticipate everything in order to stay safe. And, lastly, spiritual disconnection a deep, aching sense that the universe, the divine God, however you want to think about it, is present for everyone but you.

Speaker 1: 3:01

Now, is this a comprehensive list? No, but these are some kind of common, major telltale signs that boundaries might be something you want to work on. So today I want to talk about them from three different perspectives which, when combined, give you a really good, complete view of boundaries. In my opinion, this will not be the last time we talk about this, so consider today kind of the basic foundation for future discussion.

Speaker 1: 3:29

Let's start with Brene Brown. She emphasizes that boundaries are essential for compassion, connection and self-respect. One of my favorite quotes of hers is Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. How often do we say yes when we really mean no? Or, to tie it into yesterday's discussion, do you say no but then feel guilty, spending days judging yourself for it? Either way, we're talking about self-harm. Either you're berating yourself for having a boundary or you're becoming overextended, overwhelmed, depleted and unable to give your best to anything because you're just spread too thin. It's important to remember strong boundaries aren't about shutting people out or being selfish. They're about protecting our energy, honoring our truth and showing up more fully and authentically. One of my favorite points from Dare to Lead, which is one of Brene Brown's books, is this Clear is kind, unclear is unkind. We often avoid setting boundaries because we're afraid Afraid of rejection, abandonment, conflict. But in trying to protect others' feelings, we can actually create more harm and confusion in our relationships. Being direct may feel uncomfortable in the moment, but it's ultimately an act of kindness.

Speaker 1: 4:57

The son of one of my best friends is graduating from high school soon and I am unable to make the graduation party and I feel a lot of discomfort about this. I'm really upset about it. I love this friend so much and this is such a big deal. This is the first of my friend groups, you know, kids to graduate from high school. Everyone's going to be there. I want to be there so badly but it really just does not work for my family. I'm getting emotional thinking about it. It just doesn't work. I can't do it. And so I had to call her and tell her, like I can't make it, and she was wonderful about it. There's no pressure. She understands, the pressure is entirely of my own making. But making that phone call, having that conversation, was really uncomfortable. But I'm glad I did it, because how much worse would it have been had I just let it linger and not responded or put it off, even if it was, because I was trying to figure out if I could make it, which I am still. But to let it linger, that's not kind. It's not kind to set the expectation if it's unrealistic.

Speaker 1: 6:11

Another key insight from Brene Brown's research is this the most compassionate people are the ones with the strongest boundaries. They ask for what they need, they say no when they need to and when they say yes, they mean it. There's a strong message, especially in spiritual communities, that we're supposed to just give and give and give. But giving without boundaries isn't compassion, it's depletion, it's sacrifice. Without a clear container, our energy leaks and what flows out becomes scattered, chaotic and unsustainable. This is also something Cindy Dale, known for her work in energy healing and intuition, speaks about. She highlights that boundaries aren't just physical or mental, emotional. They're also energetic. She writes about this in her book Energetic Boundaries, which I'll link below. If we don't have strong energetic boundaries, we risk absorbing the energy of others. It's not just about worrying for a friend who's going through a tough time. We can actually take on their emotions, their exhaustion, upset, fatigue, which can lead to our own physical illness or emotional instability. Cindy Dale also emphasizes that saying no isn't rejection. It's a sacred act of self-preservation. When we say no to something that drains us, we're protecting our energy and helping to keep it healthy.

Speaker 1: 7:29

Recently we agreed to host a Kentucky Derby party and I realized, as I was kind of watching the days tick down, even though we're still a couple weeks out that I was so stressed about it. I was feeling really overwhelmed. We've got a lot on our plate right now and the idea of trying to put together like a theme party was just too much. And so I texted the other two you know women involved and I said, look guys, like I am overextended. I should not have agreed to host this. This is where I'm at. Either we can do like a really chill, let's just potluck and relax thing, but if you want something more, you know elaborate, then would one of you want to take over. And they both wrote back, like you know so wonderfully, and like, ah, don't even worry about. Yeah, let's just do something chill, which is great. But again that was me having to say you know, I agreed to something and I'm realizing that I made a mistake and trying to correct it. That again, the discomfort of expressing that, now, not fun, but way better than me stressing out for two and a half weeks about something and then killing myself to make it into something that maybe I didn't even need to. Maybe it wasn't that big of a deal. Big of a deal.

Speaker 1: 9:00

The other thing that she points out is that maintaining boundaries can be especially challenging for highly sensitive and empathic people this type of person. They feel what others feel so deeply that they have a hard time distinguishing between their own emotions and the other person's. But having strong boundaries means you can stay intuitive without becoming overwhelmed or drained. Again, I relate to this. I've worked really hard on boundary setting because on a daily basis I'm supporting people who are managing emotional distress and trauma. I can't tell you how many times a new client has shared their story often very painful story and then they say to me I don't want to bring you down, I don't want to ruin your day, I'm so sorry that I shared this with you. And they often look like a little surprised when I respond don't worry, you won't. You can tell me anything you need to tell me. You can share any part of your pain and your trauma and it's not going to bring me down, you aren't going to hurt me, you aren't going to burden me by sharing what you've experienced. And I'm being honest.

Speaker 1: 10:01

My job is to be fully present, to be a loving witness and a clear mirror for my clients as they work through their pain. If I get swept away by their distress. I'm not able to serve them in that way. If I get swept away by their distress, I'm not able to serve them in that way. Boundary work is essential for staying in my own center, in my own light, so I can remain a clear beacon for those who are in the dark. And even though, yes, this is what I do for work, this pertains to you too, pertains to everyone.

Speaker 1: 10:29

If we want to be fully present for the people in our lives, we cannot allow ourselves to be swept away by their storm. I wasn't always able to do this because, as Gabor Mate teaches us, difficulty with setting boundaries often stems from what else? Childhood trauma, our early experiences, shape our ability or our struggle to say no and maintain a strong sense of self. If someone grows up in a dysfunctional, emotionally unavailable or very conditional love environment, they may give up their authentic identity and boundaries just to stay safe. As Maté says, when we suppress who we are to be accepted, we lose our boundaries.

Speaker 1: 11:15

And boundaries are essential for authenticity our ability to know what we feel, to be in touch with the feedback our bodies, energy and emotions are giving us, and to be able to express ourselves fully. As he puts it, the ability to say no is a necessary component of health. This is another reason why boundaries are a form of self-respect, and it's also another reminder that compassion and boundaries can coexist. Being kind doesn't mean being boundary-less. True compassion includes ourselves in the circle of care. What we want are smart boundaries, not so rigid that we don't allow anyone in, not so loose that we have no discernment, expectations or standards. We want boundaries that can shift, given different situations, different people, and we want those boundaries to grow with us as we change, as we learn how to keep our center, no matter what is going on around us, no matter who we are with. We may be able to open to more situations, more people, and the good news is that all three of these very wise, very intelligent, very researched experts on boundaries agree you can do this, no matter the state of your boundaries right now. You can heal and strengthen them on all levels.

Speaker 1: 12:39

But we don't have time to get into that today, so instead I want to give you some self-awareness questions so that you can start exploring your own relationship with boundaries. So here are five questions. What am I afraid will happen if I set this boundary? So this helps uncover underlying fears like rejection, guilt, conflict, that may be preventing you from asserting your needs. Two when was the last time you said yes when you really wanted to say no? So reflecting on past situations can help you identify patterns of this difficulty in saying no or people pleasing. Three how do I feel after I set a boundary? So noticing your emotional response can give you insight into whether you're respecting your own needs or not. Four who in my life respects my boundaries and who doesn't? So this can help you assess your relationship dynamics and whether they're healthy and mutually respectful or not. Last one, five what do I need in my life right now to feel more grounded and at peace? So this is to help you gain clarity on what things you can do to help you be stronger in holding your boundaries. So give those questions a thought today. See what comes up for you.

Speaker 1: 14:03

Just a reminder these episodes are not meant to cover every angle of a topic, so of course, this isn't everything you need to know or understand about boundaries. It's just a starting point. I've linked relevant books by Brene Brown, cindy Dale and Gabor Mate below if you want to dig deeper. If you have any questions or thoughts, please feel free to click the message me button if you're listening on Spotify, or you can always send an email to rootsoftherise at gmailcom. And don't forget to follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day and remember know who you are, love who you've been and be willing to do the work to become who you want to be.