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Welcome to Roots of the Rise with me , sarah Hope . How much damage is done on a daily basis simply due to self-hatred . At the end of every episode , I always end by saying three things Know who you are , love who you've been and be willing to do the work to become who you want to be . Today I want to explain what I mean and why I say love who you've been .

Real-life examples of self-punishment cycles

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We all make mistakes . No one is perfect . You did the best you could . So many different platitudes all trying to make us feel better about actions we can't take back but wish to God we could . And how much more damage is done because we can't forgive ourselves .

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The soldier who blames himself for the death of his platoon mates An IED took them out . He should have seen it . He should have acted faster . It should have been him On the outside . He might look functional , he laughs , he's got a career , he even goes to counseling . But every time a relationship starts to get close , when someone starts to really see him , he shuts down , he pulls away , ends it before they get too close . Because in his mind , love is for people who deserve it . And the part of him still stuck on that road , still hearing the blast , still counting the names . That part whispers that he doesn't . He tells himself he's protecting them from the version of him they haven't met yet the broken one , the guilty , unfixable one . But the truth , he's protecting the part of himself that refuses to feel joy , because joy would mean letting in forgiveness , and to him forgiveness feels like a betrayal .

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Or the addicted nurse who can't forgive herself for a fatal mistake . She accidentally administers the wrong dosage during a long shift and a patient dies as a result . Though the hospital rules it an accident , she can't stop replaying the moment , believing that if she had been just a little more alert , more careful , that person would still be alive . She keeps working but begins drinking alone after every shift , numbing herself to the guilt . Every time she starts to feel a spark of confidence or hope , she unconsciously undermines it , showing up late , snapping at patients , sabotaging promotions , because deep down she doesn't think she deserves to be trusted . Again . She's punishing herself through burnout and self-destruction .

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Or me , the child who carried the shame of not being able to do the one thing she believed she was put here to do Bring her mother happiness , healing hope . I thought I had one job to bring joy to someone who had only ever known pain . One purpose , written clearly in the middle name she gave me I , was her hope for a better life , one not filled with depression and loneliness . But instead I brought her sadness , disappointment . I made her feel worse , not better . At least that's what I believed . That's what she told me , and I carried that guilt like a second skin .

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I carried the shame of hurting her for years . It followed me into every relationship , made me doubt that I could ever truly be loved , made me feel like I always needed a backup plan , a way out , because eventually someone was going to see the real me . And when they did , they'd look at me the same way she always had , with disappointment , with betrayal . So I'd leave first , or I'd stay halfway in , halfway out , just in case , because I didn't want to be alone . More than that , I didn't want to be alone with me , with the awful , unlovable version of me I'd come to believe was true .

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It's not just the soldier or the nurse or me . When we carry deep self-hatred , it doesn't just hurt us , it radiates outward , it's the ripple effect . It's the soldier's best friend , whose heart he broke when he pushed her away . It's the nurse's co-workers who had to quietly absorb the fallout , cover her shifts , double-check her work , hold their breath every time she walked in hungover or hollow-dyed , just hoping no one got hurt . And it's every intimate relationship I've ever been in , the two wonderful , amazing men I married and later divorced because I was too tangled in shame and self-doubt to ever really go in grace .

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These are just three examples , but take a moment . I am sure someone comes to mind for you , someone who keeps sabotaging themselves , someone stuck in the loop , caught in the cycle of guilt , pain , shame , repeat . I once heard this people love to their level of self-love , communicate to their level of self-awareness and behave to their level of self-love . Communicate to their level of self-awareness and behave to their level of healed trauma . And it's true to a certain degree .

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If you can't love yourself , your capacity to love others truly and cleanly is deeply compromised . It doesn't mean that you don't care . You absolutely can love other people . Sometimes you might even love whole communities with a fierce kind of devotion . I mean , take my mom . She was a gift to the children with special needs that she worked with an absolute angel At her funeral , person after person I can't tell you how many told me about her patience , her care , her compassion , how watching her work with these kids had changed them , inspired them , moved them to be more giving , more loving . They were talking about a saint , but to me it felt like they were talking about a stranger , because that was not the version of her I ever got to meet . She loved the children she worked with , cleanly , without compromise , without condition .

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But me , I was a different story , and this is why we have to learn to love who we've been , because the guilt , and , even more so , the shame that we carry around doesn't just stay inside us , it spills out , it spreads , it does damage my childhood . My pain was not born in a vacuum . It was a product of her pain , of my mother's childhood trauma , of the things she endured , the wounds she never got to heal , the damage left behind by her father . She was carrying her own burden of guilt , her own hidden shame , and , whether she meant to or not , she passed it down to me . And that's how the cycle goes . This is not a unique story . One generation's silence becomes the next generation's confusion . One person's self-hatred becomes another person's heartbreak . So the question is , why do we do it ? Why do we carry this burden as if it's ours to hold forever .

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Often , self-hatred is a mask for deeper pain or unmet needs .

Understanding what's beneath self-hatred

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When we hate ourselves for something we've done , that hatred usually isn't just about the action . That self-hatred is a reaction to something underneath , usually something much more raw grief , shame , fear of being unlovable or the pain of having betrayed our own values . We're not just upset at what happened , we're wounded . And hating ourselves can become a strange form of self protection . It gives us something to hold on to when we feel powerless . If I punish myself hard enough , maybe I won't mess up again , maybe I can control the pain . But that self-hatred , it doesn't heal . It freezes us . It keeps us locked in that moment instead of helping us understand it , learn from it and move through it . So one of the most powerful things we can do is gently ask gently what is this hatred protecting ? What's under it ? What is its positive purpose ? Because when we get curious instead of cruel , we start to uncover the real emotional landscape underneath , and that awareness is the start of healing .

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Almost always , you are judging a past version of you with the wisdom of the present . One of the hardest parts of regret is that it often shows up after we've grown , after we've become more aware , more compassionate , more capable . I think it was Oscar Wilde who said life is a hard teacher because she gives the test first and the lesson after . And so we look back and we judge our past selves through the lens of who we are now . We say how could I have done that ? What was I thinking ? I know I am not the only one who looks back on things I did , even a year ago , and think , man , I wish I had handled that differently . But that's potentially being a bit unfair to yourself , because the truth is you weren't who you are now . Maybe you made that choice with a different level of awareness , maturity , pain or survival instinct . It doesn't mean it wasn't wrong or that it didn't hurt someone , but it means your self-hatred is based on a version of the story that ignores your evolution . Instead of how could I have done that , maybe the better question is what was going on in me that made that seem like the only option ? What did I not yet know how to do ?

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That shift doesn't erase the impact of the past . It adds understanding to it , and understanding is what allows us to take accountability with compassion . And that brings me to the last point , which is that I think it's really important to recognize that self-forgiveness is not letting yourself off the hook . It's reclaiming your power . There's this idea that forgiving yourself means you're excusing what you did , that if you stop hating yourself , you're somehow avoiding responsibility . But it's actually the opposite . Self-hatred is paralyzing . It keeps us spinning in guilt and shame without ever moving forward .

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True forgiveness , real , grounded self-forgiveness , is not about forgetting or bypassing . It's about facing what you did , fully feeling the discomfort , taking ownership , making amends if that's possible , and then deciding that you are more than the worst thing you've ever done . Go back and listen to the episode about receiving the apology you always wanted . It may give you some ideas on how to get started with this process . Self-forgiveness is how you reclaim your power to choose differently now . It's how you break the cycle of pain , not just for yourself , but for everyone who's connected to you . It's how you become someone who learned , not someone who is forever defined by a single mistake or even a multitude of them .

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So if you're holding on to something you did and if you hate yourself for it , maybe today is the day to stop punishing yourself and start leaning into the process of healing , not because you don't care , but because you finally do , because you deserve love . You deserve happiness , learning from our mistakes . That's why we're here . We're here to grow , to evolve , to become , not to drown in self-hatred and misery . That helps no one , that changes nothing .

Self-forgiveness is reclaiming your power

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You want to make amends for your past ? Then learn from it , grow from it and understand this you cannot grow if you are still at war with the person you once were . You have to learn how to love that version of you , the one who did the best they could with what they had , the one who was just trying to survive , because knowing you'd make different choices . Now , knowing you have grown , that's the most powerful amends you can make .

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This work is not small , it's layered , it's complex , which is why , once more , with feeling , I say you may want to have someone to help you work through it . We'll talk more about why this is so important , especially when dealing with things like self-hatred tomorrow . But I just want to make it really clear that trying to answer these questions by yourself can sometimes do more harm than good . It can sometimes be not useful to try to figure this stuff out on your own and , because it's so complicated , it's something we'll talk about on this podcast again and again .

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I'm going to link a few related episodes , books and other podcasts , below all focused on forgiveness , acceptance and learning to love yourself , because you deserve that love . You are worthy of that love , and if you're feeling stuck in the loop of self-hatred , chances are shame is at the root , which is exactly what we'll be talking about tomorrow . If you have thoughts or questions or just want to share your story , click the message me button If you're listening on Spotify , or you can always send an email to rootsoftherisegmailcom . And don't forget to follow or subscribe so you won't miss tomorrow's episode . Until next time , know who you are , love who you've been and be willing to do the work to become who you're meant to be .