Introduction to Grief as a Human Experience

Speaker 1 0:13

Welcome to Roots of Arise with me , sarah Hope . In this episode we're opening the door to grief , one of the most tender human experiences we all face . Grief comes in many forms , not just through death , but through change , loss and unmet hopes . It can harden us or hollow us out , but it can also open us . Today we'll explore how grief shapes the heart , challenges our relationships and , when met with compassion , can become a quiet teacher on the path to healing . When met with compassion , can become a quiet teacher on the path to healing .

Speaker 1 0:53

Grief sits on the heart like a stone . When it's present , even the smallest opening of the heart can feel impossible . When grief is denied , we grow numb , not only to pain but to our own aliveness . In that numbness we may act in ways we never imagined . We harden , we grow cold , rigid and distant . Sometimes we feel lifeless inside . Grief and sadness can block our ability to feel joy . Their weight can be so heavy that love feels completely out of reach . Sadness pulls us away from life . It saps the life force and can spiral us into depression . But when grief is acknowledged and expressed , the heart begins to lighten . In facing our grief , we begin to face ourselves . We reconnect with our emotions , with others with compassion .

Different Types of Loss We Grieve

Speaker 1 1:41

Grief is pretty much always based on loss or change . It comes from having invested so much of yourself into something , only to lose it , and there are so many different ways we can experience loss . We can have a death of a loved one this is like the most recognized cause , whether it's a family member , a friend or a pet . But often when we talk about grief , the first thing we think of is death . But it could also mean the loss of a relationship . Breakups , divorces , estrangement from someone important like a dear friend , can trigger deep grief . Also , major life transitions moving to a new place , changing jobs , retirement can cause a sense of loss and disorientation . We can also experience loss of health . A serious illness , a disability , a decline in mental or physical health can lead to grieving one's former self or abilities and , lastly , a loss of dream or identity . And lastly , a loss of dream or identity when hopes or goals or a sense of purpose are no longer attainable or relevant . That can lead to profound grief .

Speaker 1 2:54

One of the things that's really important for us to do is to reclaim the part of us that was attached to what was lost . Some examples the grown woman who lost her dad may have simultaneously lost her inner child . The nurturing husband who lost his wife may lose the part of himself that was tender and open . The teacher of 40 years who finally retires and loses her sense of purpose . The aging parent who no longer remembers where they live and has to make peace with needing a constant caregiver , losing their own autonomy . The athlete who was in a bad accident and loses mobility of their legs , who then also has to figure out who they are if they can't go for the gold anymore .

Speaker 1 3:42

Sometimes we even grieve our authenticity when we realize we are consistently acting in a way that is not aligned with our values or belief systems . So in order to work with grief , we need to understand

Understanding How Grief Works and Evolves

Speaker 1 3:55

a few things . First , grief shows up in a variety of emotions , and we all know grief is an emotional experience , but it can show up as sadness , anger , guilt , relief , numbness . Allowing space for these emotions without judgment is essential for processing loss , especially because it is an individual process . Grieving is unique to every person . There's no one quote , unquote , right way to do it or a timeline to grieve . Cultural background , personal history , the nature of the loss all shape how grief unfolds .

Speaker 1 4:43

When my mom's died , the therapist , my adopted mom and I had been working with like literally read me snippets from this book called Tear Soup , which I'm going to link below in the show notes , even though I was 25 . And when she started doing it I thought I'm a little too old to be read to . But then I remember all of a sudden just feeling this welling up of grief just to hear it be so openly spoken about . And the book recognizes how differently we all respond , how differently we all make tear soup , and that individuality extends to how much quote unquote work it's going to take for us to get over a loss . That's dependent on a variety of factors how old we are , our life experiences , what else is going on at the time . You know , grieving the loss of a husband after one year of marriage is different from grieving after five years with a two-year-old kid you have to look after at the same time , which is different from grieving after 55 years of being together .

Speaker 1 5:43

The circumstances of the loss matter too . You know , an unexpected loss of job or health or a loved one is just different than the loss of a 99-year-old grandmother or being let go after the third round of layoffs . There's a little bit more warning there . It doesn't take us quite as off guard . You know , over time , grief involves integrating the loss into your life , and that doesn't mean getting over it . I'm not sure we should ever really put it that way , because you don't ever truly quote unquote get over certain kinds of losses , but what we do is find a new way to relate to them , perhaps by creating meaning , carrying forward a legacy , deepening compassion . But this can be tough , especially if the loss was unexpected , because we all have , you know , ideas about fairness and life order , like kids shouldn't die before parents and religious beliefs that impact our ability to integrate a loss . And goodness , grief really changes our relationships , doesn't it ?

Grief's Impact on Our Relationships

Speaker 1 6:48

When we're the one experiencing the loss , we need support . When grief is the wound , compassion is the healer , especially self-compassion . But we long for love and understanding from our people , from our support system , and they can't always give it . Some people shut down when they're faced with someone deep in grief . They don't know what to say , so they say nothing at all . Other people try to help , but the way they do that isn't always what we need . If the loss is a death , some people want , need to talk about the person who passed . Others can't bear to even hear their name .

Speaker 1 7:26

Seriously , the book Tear Soup is so good . It captures all of this beautifully and offers such heartfelt suggestions for understanding the many different ways grief expresses itself and ways to show up for yourself and for others . Another book I'd recommend is called the In Between . It's by a hospice nurse who went TikTok , famous for sharing some of her experiences during her patient's final moments and what she's learned from them . The book is beautiful . It really shows that end of life can offer tremendous insight into how to live , and she offers this great analogy about grief .

Speaker 1 8:09

So imagine there's a box that represents your life and at the bottom of it is a pain button . Whatever loss you've experienced is represented as a massive ball that basically takes up most of the box . Basically , no matter what happens , the ball of grief is so big that it is just constantly hitting the pain button .

The Pain Button: Adapting to Grief

Speaker 1 8:31

But over time the box gets bigger , your life gets bigger . The ball doesn't get smaller . The grief is still there . It's still just as big as it ever was , but your life gets bigger . You adapt . So the grief ball doesn't hit the pain button as often , but every time it does it feels just like the first time .

Speaker 1 8:51

So what do you do if you're experiencing any type of loss . I hate this one , but it's true . You have to feel it to heal it . Avoiding grief does not make it go away . It only deepens the wound . We have to name what was lost , whether it's a person , a dream , an identity or a future . We have to name it and honor its significance . Grief is the price we pay for love . Recognizing that is the first step towards healing , and we have to meet ourselves with compassion , allowing grief to unfold however it comes , because grief is not linear . It can be such a roller coaster . If I started listing all the losses I've experienced , we'd be here for a while , so I'm just going to share one example .

Speaker 1 9:36

All of my parents In case you didn't know , I'm adopted . I was lucky enough to reunite with my biological family when I turned 21 . My birth parents had actually gotten married and I have a full-blood brother and a large , wonderful biological family . I simply call the Biologicals . In 2008 , my adoptive mother passed away and 36 hours later my biological mother died too . Both were unexpected and expected in their own ways , but the timeline was something I never saw coming and I responded with complete numbness . I vividly remember thinking I wish I could feel this way all the time because I did not care about anything , not what I looked like , not how I came across , not what anyone thought of me . There was this strange sense of freedom in that I had zero energy for anything beyond surviving the day in front of me .

Host's Personal Journey Through Loss

Speaker 1 10:35

About three weeks later , I was at a lake house with a friend of a friend getting drunk and suddenly it all hit me . Everything I had been numbing came crashing down like a ton of bricks , blessing and a curse of alcohol right . And it wasn't just the loss of my mom's . I was also going through a divorce . I was grieving the end of my marriage , the loss of his parents , who I loved dearly , and the future I thought I was building . I was grieving the possibility of reconciling with my adoptive mom .

Speaker 1 11:09

I had only gotten four years with my biological mom and they weren't easy . They were hard . I mean , we were figuring it out , but there was so much left unsaid and unasked and now there was no more time I did not handle it well . Honestly , I don't think I fully grieved until years later and even now I don't think I fully grieved until years later and even now it still takes my breath away . That pain button still gets pushed , maybe even more often now , because both of my dads have passed , also about three years and six months ago .

Speaker 1 11:42

I am truly an orphan If you've lost both of your parents . You know how disorienting it is and I am so sorry for your loss . I'm lucky to still have really wonderful , loving parental figures in my life my in-laws , an aunt , even my third grade teacher . But you can't replace your actual parents and even though my moms have been gone for 17 years , I still get taken out by grief . With no warning . Has that happened to you ? You're fine for months and then grief just knocks you to your knees out of nowhere .

Speaker 1 12:17

When my dad died , my in-laws gave me a lilac bush to plant in his memory , because I had lilacs outside my childhood bedroom window and a little while ago you know it's spring the bush bloomed . So I went out to smell them because I love lilacs , and I took this one sniff and absolutely lost . It Just broke down . Gut-wrenching sobs . I mean , the scent just transported me . It made me miss my parents so much I could barely breathe .

Speaker 1 12:46

Maybe you've experienced that too A smell , a song , some random memory , something happens and you think , oh , I should call so-and-so , only to remember you can't , they're no longer there and suddenly you're overwhelmed by loss . It happens and we have to let it . We also need to voice it . You know , luckily not many of my friends have experienced a deep loss just yet , but for those who have , I try to always make sure they know . Text me if you have a memory you want to share , a story that comes to mind . It doesn't matter how random or out of the blue it is . Let me witness your grief with you , not fix it , because I can't , but I can be there with you while you go through it .

Speaker 1 13:30

Grief , it needs expression . So whether you do that with someone or just through journaling , crying by yourself , singing some sort of ritual , just make sure you let the grief out and you may need to give yourself space for this space for the grief . Maybe you know that every anniversary of your parents' death or of the divorce being finalized , or of the fire that burned your house down , you're going to need a minute . Create that for yourself so that you can take care of your emotions , but also your body . I mean . Grief lives in the body . Anybody who's gone through it knows it is exhausting . We need rest and nourishment to help us process , and we may need support . Maybe friends will do , but maybe not . You might need a support group to help you grieve the loss , a church group , a therapist Once again with feeling you are not meant to carry any hardship , loss or sadness alone and that support may be what's needed to help you find

Finding Meaning and Integration Through Grief

Speaker 1 14:32

meaning and to really integrate .

Speaker 1 14:35

You know the point of grief work is to regain connection with yourself rather than increase our attachment to what was lost . You know we can ask questions like why was this person or job in particular so special to me ? What did they or it bring to me that I now feel I'm missing ? What part of me was particular bonded to this person activity , lifestyle and what does that part need ? What have I lost touch with in myself as a result of this ending and how can I nurture and regain that part of myself ? Once again , ask what now ? What does this loss ask of me ? In time , finding purpose or honoring the loss through action , like art or advocacy or ritual , can become a part of your integration .

Speaker 1 15:32

Obviously , we are barely scratching the surface of what it means to grieve , how to deal with grief , but if you're in the middle of it . Know this you are not broken and you are not alone . Your sorrow is a testament to your capacity to love . Whatever you're grieving , there is love beneath the loss , and that love never disappears . It simply changes form . Healing doesn't mean forgetting . It means learning to carry what we've lost with grace . Let that love weave itself into the ongoing story of your life .

Closing Thoughts and Call to Action

Speaker 1 16:10

That's all for today . Thank you so much for listening . If something in today's episode resonated with you , I'd love to hear about it . Feel free to reach out by clicking the message me button if you're on Spotify , or you can always email rootsoftherise at gmailcom If you're enjoying the podcast . It would mean a lot if you'd subscribe , leave a rating review or share it with a friend . On Friday , I'll be talking about the facets of the heart . What do I even mean when I say that ? Until next time , remember , know who you are , love who you've been and be willing to do the work to become who you want to be . Just a quick reminder this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice . That said , I hope it inspires you to grow , heal and seek the support you need to thrive .