Speaker 1: 0:13

Welcome back to Roots of the Rise with me, sarah Hope. Today we're talking about lies. Do you know someone who lies a lot? Is it you? Why do we do that, even to ourselves? What happens when we abandon our inner truth to stay safe, accepted or invisible? And how can reclaiming honesty, however uncomfortable, bring us back into alignment with who we truly are?

Speaker 1: 0:42

Lies and me go way back. I can honestly say that I spent a good portion of my life lying constantly To others, to myself, and it wreaked havoc. I hurt so many people, myself included, due to my inability and fear of just being real. It stopped me from forming deep connections with just about anyone, with only a few exceptions. And it wasn't because I didn't want deep connections, it's because I was terrified of really being me. So I just pretended to be what I thought I was supposed to be. I flirted my way into superficial relationships with men. I avoided women like the plague. My mom and some early friendships with girls taught me that women really aren't to be trusted, and I did this for so long that I sort of forgot who I really was. What did I care about? What did I like? Who did I want to be?

Speaker 1: 1:43

And that's the problem with lies they erode authenticity. When we lie, whether to fit in, avoid conflict or protect an image, we fragment our sense of self. Over time, even small lies can disconnect us from our inner truth, making it harder to access or express who we really are. It's impossible to live authentically if we're constantly lying To others yes, but especially to ourselves. Drinking because everyone else is, even when we don't really like to, doing an activity just to blend in, not because you actually want to be there, choosing a profession based on what's expected of you, not because it's something you really want to do. And then you wonder why am I so unhappy? So much sadness in the world comes from people ignoring their inner voice or being unable to hear it anymore because they've spent so many years suppressing it. To fully express our individuality, to show up as the unique expression of who we truly are, we have to be honest about who we are and what we want. And yes, I know, speak your truth is a phrase that's been overused to the point of almost losing its meaning and becoming frankly annoying, in my opinion.

Speaker 1: 3:00

Like most cliches, we'll talk more about that on Friday, but for today. Like most cliches, we'll talk more about that on Friday, but for today I want to focus on why we lie. There are a few reasons for this. So far I've touched on how we can become conditioned to say only what we think others want to hear, rather than what's genuinely true for us. That's definitely what happened to me.

Speaker 1: 3:20

I mean sharing, talking about what I wanted or how I felt God forbid as a child was kind of a lose-lose proposition. I never knew what my mom actually wanted to hear. Sometimes I could guess, but I was wrong just as often as I was right. And it hurt so much more when I said something true about what I was feeling or what I wanted to do and was rejected for it than when I made something up and was rejected for it. Like far better to be hated or dismissed because of a lie than to share the truth about any aspect of myself and be ridiculed for it or get the sensation of being abandoned yet again. I didn't want to share who I really was. I was afraid to. Does that resonate with you? Was that you too?

Speaker 1: 4:08

I mean, this is kind of a combination of two of the major reasons why people lie to avoid conflict and to avoid consequences. Let's talk about avoiding conflict. Sure, some people run towards it, some people really enjoy it, but most of us try to avoid it. So sometimes we lie. Maybe we don't want to have the difficult conversation or don't know how to. We don't want to confront someone about how they're treating us and how it makes us feel awful, perhaps because we're afraid of losing them entirely. We're afraid to tell that friend who never texts back and has essentially ghosted us for the past six months, that it's hurtful, that it makes us question the relationship. Because what if they lash out at us? What if the relationship ends because of us challenging them? Maybe that's scarier and harder for us to face than staying in an unreciprocal friendship and avoiding consequences. Well, I mean, you've all been a kid At some point. Did you tell a lie to avoid the consequences? I mean people lie to escape punishment, blame or a myriad of possible negative outcomes, like it could be a child hiding a broken vase at the bottom of the trash or an adult trying to shift blame onto somebody else for a ball getting dropped.

Speaker 1: 5:27

What about lies said to protect others' feelings? You know kind of the white lie variety, like telling someone they look great when maybe they don't. This one, I think is a little debatable, because if it were me, please don't let me go out in a dress or a hat that looks awful. My husband and I actually had a whole conversation about this really early on. No idea how it came up, but he was clear that he was going to tell me if he thought something wasn't flattering, which, honestly, I was completely on board for so long as he was gentle about it. You know, at some point lying to quote, unquote, protect someone can actually do more harm than good. So we've got to be careful here. But also there's validity in being kind, you know, in saying a dish tasted good when maybe it didn't. I mean you don't have to go on and on about how it's the best thing you've ever had, but you also don't need to say how bad it is and hurt the chef's feelings. Right Discretion, how bad it is and hurt the chef's feelings right Discretion, moderation, yada, yada.

Speaker 1: 6:32

There's also lying to gain advantage or benefit, like exaggerating on a resume. Exaggeration falls in this category Inflating achievements, manipulating a situation for profit or for influence. Talk about being the influencers. I don't know where something went viral showing all these influencers lined up to take a picture in front of an airplane pretending that it was their private jet, but all they were doing was going and like, taking a picture and then leaving. So you know, I don't know, is this bad? You tell me, you know, if you say you can speak French on a resume and then you can't deliver when that bill comes due, well you're going to be in trouble. Someone's going to find out, right. But if it's just your job as an influencer to look beautiful and to give people something to aspire to, a lifestyle that looks glamorous and they love seeing your pictures, is it bad that you're lying about actually getting on the private jet? What do you think it?

Speaker 1: 7:28

And lastly, I mean I'm sure there are many more reasons why people lie, but this is just what came to me in thinking about lying. The last one would be lying in order to maintain a certain image. This would be my parents, god. They spent a lot of time and money that it turns out they did not really have in order to seem wealthier and better off than they actually were wealthier and better off than they actually were. Maybe at some point they had the kind of cash they later pretended to, but when my dad developed dementia and Alzheimer's in quick succession, it became clear just how bad my parents finances actually were Now. Granted, that was more than a decade after my mother passed away, so maybe things took a turn during that time period. I don't know, you know, I don't know if it happened then or if it happened earlier, if they had been just trying to keep up with the Joneses for years. My dad died in so much debt, which I'm sure he felt incredible shame over, but he was gone. He didn't have to deal with the consequences. It was his second wife and me who did. You know, I don't think he set out to be duplicitous to either one of us, although I suppose there's no way to know his true motivations. But my best guess is that his lack of self-esteem made it so that he didn't think a woman, or even me, his child, would love him if he wasn't able to provide some sort of significant financial security. He's not alone.

Speaker 1: 8:54

People lie to preserve their self-image or others' perception of them, especially in social, romantic or professional settings. This includes hiding flaws, mistakes, all sorts of things, and this demonstrates that lying is often a coping mechanism, not just a moral failing. I'm not saying there aren't bad liars out there, people who are purposefully being manipulative and malicious. But people do lie to harm, manipulate or control others. We see this often in bullying, gaslighting or sneaky power plays. But just as often people are telling lies out of wanting to protect themselves. This might even be unconscious To avoid shame, conflict, judgment or loss. Recognizing this doesn't excuse dishonesty, but it helps shift the conversation from punishment to understanding. When you understand the why behind a lie, you can address the root need, like safety or belonging, and move towards healing or repairing the relationship. And you know the consequences of not doing this, of not coming clean, of not figuring out how to express yourself authentically and honestly can be brutal.

Speaker 1: 10:15

Lies create this internal dissonance and emotional weight. Even small lies cause mental tension. You know your mind has to track what's true and what isn't, creating stress, anxiety and this kind of lack of inner peace. It creates a disharmony. Oh, what's the quote? Oh, what tangled webs we weave when we practice to deceive. Something like that. I think that's Walter Scott. You know, the dissonance of trying to maintain something that's not true builds over time and it makes it harder to feel grounded or whole. Whether this is conscious or unconscious, you know the body and the nervous system can carry the stress of unspoken truths, often without us realizing it. There's this constant need to double check ourselves. It's exhausting.

Speaker 1: 11:05

Lying by omission can create this in some ways. More than anything. I mean, have you ever been stuck knowing more about a situation than a person directly involved in it and having to, like, decide whether or not you share the truth? You know, like the guy who has a girl on the side, do you tell the wife? You know your best friend has a drinking problem? Do you tell their parents? You know carrying that weight is heavy. It puts tremendous strain emotionally, physically I mean, your central nervous system can get stuck in this fight or flight. What do I do? Stress mode. And that can go on for a very long time, in some cases indefinitely.

Speaker 1: 11:47

But what do we also know about lies? The truth almost always comes out, whether through slips of the tongue, behavioral inconsistency, shifts in energy. You know that slip of paper that somehow gets left in the wrong place. You know the truth tends to surface and when it does, the damage from the lie is usually greater than whatever discomfort honesty might have caused in the first place. Being truthful upfront may be uncomfortable, but it builds lasting trust with others and with yourself. And this is so important because the consequences are so dire, not just to you the harm that's done to yourself for lying but also to the people you're lying to. I mean, how many times have you heard someone say how could I not see it? How could I have been so stupid? How could I have trusted them? Your lack of authenticity can cause someone else to question their ability to discern truth.

Speaker 1: 12:47

For a long time I was a compulsive liar. I didn't know how to be fully honest, not even with myself. Most of the time I didn't even realize I was lying, especially in the moment. I was just constantly trying to present a version of myself that was better than who I really was, because deep down I believed that the real me wasn't good enough. I was convinced that who I was at my core was worthless.

Speaker 1: 13:14

What finally cured me of my tendency to lie was a slow, gradual acceptance of myself. I mean, I spent years lying about little stuff, like did you call that person or did you walk the dog, but most often my version of lying was in doing what I felt like I was supposed to do, not what I really wanted to do. Does that ring a bell with any of you. I mean, I almost went to law school because that was the expectation. Someone said stop shitting yourself. And one day that's what I did I put my foot down about going to law school. I knew it was a horrible idea and somehow I broke free of the shoulds and opted out. You can imagine how thrilled my parents were when I decided to do that and decided to manage a Pilates studio and become a fitness instructor instead. But by that point I had enough distance, enough therapy, enough other people in my life cheering me on to finally start doing what felt right instead of what someone else told me was right.

Speaker 1: 14:15

And, of course, destruction followed. I mean, my first marriage completely fell apart as I realized more and more how wrong we were for each other and I just got to the point where I couldn't live the lie anymore. Other. And I just got to the point where I couldn't live the lie anymore. And I really credit my second husband for being the catalyst for some of my deepest healing, especially related to finally letting go of always trying to figure out what I'm quote unquote supposed to do or say. It was one of my favorite things about him. He was always so unabashedly himself. I respected and loved that from day one. You know I wanted to be like that, to just be free to be myself, to not care what anyone else thought. And he loved me enough. He held me accountable in such a loving way that slowly my relationship with truth started to change.

Speaker 1: 15:05

Part of it, too, is me beginning to recognize when I was lying. You know it started. He'd ask something like did you walk the dogs? And I immediately say yes, because I knew that was the right answer, even if I hadn't actually done it. And then he'd call me out Really and at the beginning I would double down, I'd lie louder. But as he began to meditate, as I had more and more spiritual counseling with my mentor, as I began to trust our relationship, I started to be able to say to him a couple days later you know, I actually didn't walk the dogs when you asked me a couple days ago. And he'd laugh and say I know, and that was that. And because there was no repercussion, no hate, no shame, I was able to start moving up the timeline. He'd ask I'd lie, and then two hours later I'd be able to start moving up the timeline. He'd ask I'd lie. And then two hours later I'd be able to come clean. And then 20 minutes and then two minutes and then all of a sudden I wasn't lying anymore.

Speaker 1: 15:58

And you know, this is the way it is with pretty much all of our programming that we're trying to heal. No matter what kind you're talking about, it doesn't disappear in a day or even a week or month. It takes time. It takes awareness and recognition and loving yourself through the process, loving yourself as you figure out how to not just know better but do better, accepting that you're not going to get it right immediately it's going to take time and being open and honest with the people in your life that this is something you're working on. You're trying to be more honest about who you are and what you want, that you're trying to become someone who says what's true instead of what you think someone wants to hear. That's required too. But let's be clear it's not easy and it's also pretty scary.

Speaker 1: 16:47

I was talking with one of my son's friends' moms the other day and telling her about this podcast and sharing that I hadn't really told anyone in my world at large about it, that I'd kept it pretty close to the chest because I'm such an open book, and if I'm going to do this, I'm going to be real, I'm going to be my true self, which means I'm going to share a lot of things that people in my life, especially in my past, might not know about, might not believe, might not want to hear, and that's vulnerable and scary. And she looked me in the eye and she said who cares? And she's so right, and I knew that. I know that. It's funny how, even though I'm the one who teaches this to so many people, sometimes I need to hear it too. We all do, and we all need to recognize that there's always going to be a next level, another step to take, another way to challenge yourself and lean more deeply into who you are and who you want to be, and a willingness to be seen. That is a Mount Everest for a lot of people, myself included. I did, however. Finally, facebook announced this thing on Monday.

Speaker 1: 17:48

So take that insecurity. Courage is not absence of fear, but action in spite of it, and a fearful person will hesitate to speak their truth. Someone without a strong sense of self will shrink afraid of judgment and give up their authenticity to feel safe. What's missing is a deep love for yourself, when you've learned to love yourself, when you know who you are and you're willing to live it fully, you stop denying your voice, your feelings, your very being. You stop pretending.

Speaker 1: 18:18

So here's your prompt for today when in your life are you not telling the full truth? Maybe not outright lying, but maybe withholding or shaping or softening the truth to protect an image, avoid conflict or maintain control? Choose one area where a lie, or even a silence, a lie by omission, is keeping you out of alignment and ask yourself what truth wants to be spoken here. How might it feel to release the weight of that lie, even just with yourself or someone you trust? Start there. One honest moment can be the doorway back to wholeness. If this conversation stirred something in you, take a moment to sit with it.

Speaker 1: 19:01

The path back to alignment does not require perfection. Just honesty and the willingness to listen to the still voice within require perfection just honesty and the willingness to listen to the still voice within. Living authentically requires that we learn how to say what we mean. Mean what we say, but not say it. Mean and that's what we're going to talk about on Friday what it means to speak your truth and what you have to be careful of when you do it.

Speaker 1: 19:23

Let me know your thoughts. What did this bring up for you? Questions, any of it? You can always send me a message by clicking the message me button if you're listening on Spotify, or email me at rootsoftherise at gmailcom. I love hearing from you. If this episode resonated or made you think of someone, share it, though be careful how you word the suggestion. People might not take kindly to the insinuation that you think they're a liar or need to learn more about lying. Anyway, have a wonderful day and remember, know who you are, love who you've been and be willing to do the work to become who you want to be. Just a quick reminder this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. That said, I hope it inspires you to grow heal and seek the support you need to thrive.