Speaker 1: 0:13

Welcome back to Roots of the Rise with me, sarah Hope. This week we've been diving into the theme of communication, specifically how essential it is to learn how to speak honestly and openly. But here's the thing it's not just about speaking your truth, it's about learning how to speak it well. That means saying what you mean, meaning what you say, but not saying it mean, and it means being mindful that what you say isn't clouded by assumptions, illusions or emotional reactivity. So let's dive in. There's this quote I don't know who said it first Anything you lose by speaking your truth isn't a loss, it's an alignment.

Speaker 1: 1:00

And yeah, in some ways I really love this quote. But I also see two potential problems. The first what if you speak your truth in a way that's harsh ugly, hurtful? There is every possibility that you lose something then that could be really good for you, simply because you did not have the communication skills to convey your truth in a constructive, useful way. Now, look, we can get into the whole metaphysical conversation of well, if you lose it, no matter the reason, it wasn't meant to be yours in the first place. But we're going to talk about kind of that side of things more in a couple of weeks when we're talking about the seventh chakra, because there's a really important concept of looking at every situation through two lenses that of being human and through the lens of being divine. But that's not what we're here to discuss today.

Speaker 1: 1:49

So let me just move on to the second issue I have with this quote, which is what, if you're confused about what your truth actually is, let's start with talking about the first one speaking your truth in a way that is unproductive or even damaging. We've all been there, let's be real. Talking about the first one speaking your truth in a way that is unproductive or even damaging. We've all been there. Let's be real. It's almost impossible to go through life without a bad confrontation. I mean, whether you're the one who's doing the yelling or someone's doing the yelling at you, at some point it's going to happen. Someone is going to say something mean or hurtful and sure, maybe they even have a valid reason to be upset, but they just don't have the communication skills to express it in a healthy way. If you missed the episode on nonviolent communication, I'll link it in the show notes. That's related, but honestly, this is just part of being human.

Speaker 1: 2:40

This stuff happens. People lash out, we lash out, we all do it or instead of being direct, we can do the super spicy version of becoming passive, aggressive. Most of us not everyone, but most of us at some point have opted for this route, where we, you know, we're having trouble expressing difficult emotions, so we don't directly name them. It just comes out in other ways, which looks like sarcasm, or giving someone the silent treatment, the cold shoulder or those subtle digs, and while in some ways it might feel safer than confrontation not consciously but in this unconscious way it might feel safer it usually creates more confusion, deeper resentment and distance in relationships. We talked about this, whatever a few weeks ago. You know that speaking clearly is kind, being unclear is unkind. Another example say, a friend says something that's really hurtful to you, maybe it's even a small comment, but for some reason it's just really bothering you and it doesn't feel like the appropriate time to say something because you're in a group so you don't say anything. And then later on that night something else happens and you just absolutely lose it at them. You yell, you're cursing, you're completely overwhelmed with emotion. You're expressing your truth, sure, your anger, your pain. Maybe they really did say something that was inappropriate and hurtful, but you're doing it in a way that shuts the other person down instead of opening up space for deeper connection. And maybe you feel better once you've gotten it out. But what about them? What about the quality of your relationship after?

Speaker 1: 4:20

Have you heard that story about the kid who tended to fly off into rages and say hurtful things? So his dad came up with an idea. He handed his son a hammer and a bucket of nails and told him every time you lose your temper and lash out at someone, I want you to go outside and hammer a nail into the fence. At first the kid was out there a lot, driving nail after nail into the wooden post, but over time he started to get tired of it. It was easier to hold his temper than to keep hammering those nails in, and eventually there came a day when he didn't lose his temper at all. And that's when his dad said great, now, every day you managed to stay calm, go back out and pull one nail out, and eventually, of course, all the nails were gone. But then his dad brought him over to the fence. He pointed to all the holes left behind and said look at this. You pulled out every nail, but the scars are still here. The fence will never be the same.

Speaker 1: 5:15

Things set in anger leave a mark. You can apologize, you can try to make it right, but the wound, the impact, is still there. Now, look, we can recover from anger. We can heal. Relationships can keep on, they can survive, but it takes both parties being totally willing to be open, honest, not just share their truth, but also listen to the other person's truth. Have you seen that image of two figures looking down in the sand, at the same number but from opposite sides of it, and one is pointing, saying six, and the other is pointing, saying nine. Who's wrong? From each of their perspectives, they're actually both right. Two things can be true, and too often we listen to, respond, not understand. We're so eager to say our truth that we don't pause long enough to listen for the other person's. Why is your truth more important than anyone else's? Living, authentically speaking your truth, it doesn't mean being brutally honest at all times. It does mean having the courage to confront uncomfortable truths, both within and without, and this is absolutely necessary for deep connection.

Speaker 1: 6:36

I was listening to a Mel Robbins podcast with Danielle Bayard Jackson hope I said that right who wrote this book Fighting for Friendship. It's great. I'll link it in the show notes. And she was saying there. The author was that there are three affinities necessary for female friendship, which, by the way, is different than male friendship, and don't come at me for saying that there are gender differences and the way men and women navigate friendship is just one example. Anyway, she says that there needs to be three things. So one is symmetry, which is reciprocity. You know it's the feeling of sameness. You have similar interests. You don't have to like. You know the same of everything. You don't want to be identical, but there's a general. You know you're on the same page about things. The second affinity is support, and this is you know you're on the same page about things. The second affinity is support, and this is, you know, emotional help. It's acts of solidarity. You know these are the people who show up when it matters.

Speaker 1: 7:33

Lastly, the third affinity is secrecy, and this is why I'm talking about this today, because part of secrecy is trust. Trust that you can show up as your true self and be loved for it. Trust that you can make mistakes, that you can say hurtful things, that you can mess up because we all do and still be loved, that you're part of the club, you're in the tribe, and self-disclosure is essential to this. Self-disclosure is one of the ways women establish and firm up trust. So this is why if someone doesn't tell you about something like the health scare, the promotion, the pregnancy, and you find out from someone else, it feels like a slight. It feels like, wait, I'm not, am I not in the vault? Like, am I not in the group? You didn't trust me with that.

Speaker 1: 8:28

Now look, of course it is not a requirement of friendship. Like you are not under any obligation to share every aspect of your life with everyone in your friendship circle, so to speak, and good friends understand this. But that doesn't mean that it might not hurt. It doesn't mean there isn't some level of a perceived slight. Sorry, guys, you don't look at things quite the same way, so this isn't as applicable to you. But even for you, I think there is this recognition, that this need for it to be okay, for there to be safety to talk about whatever it is you want to talk about, even though guys don't talk about nearly as much as women do. You know that's still necessary. You know otherwise there is this kind of sense of oh, I guess we're not the kind of friends I thought we were.

Speaker 1: 9:19

And the problem with that and how it's tying back into this whole speaking your truth thing, is that if you've experienced that feeling of being slighted, of there being kind of this break in the coherency of the relationship, if you don't speak it out loud, if you don't talk about it, if you just feel the hurt but you don't say hey, why didn't you tell me about that? Then one pillar of these three really important aspects of friendship just got eroded. Yes, more so for women than for men, but still, honest, kind communication is the only thing that can fix that kind of problem. If you go to that friend and just yell at them and say what's the matter, how dare you not tell me? Well, that's not going to engender a closer connection. You know, if you silently sulk about it, feeling the resentment, never talking about it, well, that's not going to fix it either.

Speaker 1: 10:18

You know remember when we talked about shame how it's a social emotion and the only thing that can heal it is speaking it out loud to someone who meets it with compassion. You know this is also part of learning how to speak your truth when you have had an issue with someone when there's been some sort of hurt between the two of you. So it's part of learning how to speak your truth and, equally, how to receive someone's truth. You know the ability to not get defensive, to not yell and talk down to them when they tell you that you've hurt them, but to receive it lovingly, to be able to hear how maybe you've hurt someone you care about and respond by trying to understand their perspective, with trying to work with them to resolve the issue, not just hit back and tell them they're wrong to feel what they feel and all the reasons why. But on the same lines, let's talk about how sometimes we get it wrong.

Speaker 1: 11:13

Neil Donald Walsh has this beautiful quote. He says say your truth kindly but fully and completely. Live your truth gently, but totally and consistently. Change your truth easily and quickly when your experience brings you new clarity. It's that last part that I think is so important. Change your truth easily and quickly when your experience brings you new clarity. What if you have it wrong?

Speaker 1: 11:44

Imagine this you have a lunch date with a friend. She's five minutes late, then 10, then 20. You're sitting there, starting to boil, getting angrier, feeling more and more hurt, and your thoughts start spiraling. She doesn't care about me. She couldn't even bother to send a text. She knows I only have an hour. Maybe she's showing up late on purpose so she doesn't have to spend much time with me.

Speaker 1: 12:04

Now I know some of you are thinking, whoa, I wouldn't go there, I'd just be worried about her. And that might be true. But some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. You'd be sitting there stewing in it, convinced this is proof she doesn't respect you or your time. And then, finally, she arrives. She sits down, not looking particularly rushed, no immediate apology, and you fly off the handle.

Speaker 1: 12:27

You tell her how upset you are, you let it rip your truth, your feelings all valid, yes, but you deliver them in this wave of confrontation, of hurt and frustration and anger. And then she tells you what happened. She just witnessed a horrific car accident. She stayed on the scene to call for help. She watched someone die. She's in shock. She could barely make it to the restaurant, let alone text anyone. She shows you her shaking hands, her eyes are filled with tears and now you can see it she looks like a ghost.

Speaker 1: 13:01

Now pause. How do you feel? How did you feel at the beginning of that example. And how did you feel now? How would you feel if that were you Like? Did you feel now? How would you feel if that were you Like? Did you really need to lay on your hurt, your anger, to what she had already experienced? Yeah, sure, you didn't know, but that's the point. You didn't know. You just jumped to conclusions and jumped to airing your truth without pausing to consider what hers might be. How often does this happen, where we think we know what's going on, but we don't. We think we know the motivation behind someone's actions, but we have it completely wrong. So we go around spouting our version of the story that might be factual only in our own heads.

Speaker 1: 13:42

I think about how much I loved playing Celtic music growing up. I was a violinist, but I also fiddled. I tolerated playing classical, but I really loved playing Celtic music. Growing up, I was a violinist but I also fiddled. I tolerated playing classical, but I really loved playing Celtic music. And there was this fiddle camp up in Nova Scotia that I was dying to go to. All my friends were going. I so badly wanted to have that experience. But my mom told me no, just flat out told me no. And I believed for years that it was because she didn't want me spending time with those particular friends who were going. Nor did she want me to spend any more time and energy, you know working on my fiddling technique when she thought that I needed to be a classical violinist. You know that played at Carnegie Hall.

Speaker 1: 14:24

I spoke that truth to myself for years, how it was just one more example of my mother insisting I do what made her happy, not what would make me happy Of me living her life as she would want it to be, not mine. And you know what I realized later. I mean, there's no way to be sure because both my parents are gone, but in light of what I know now I'm pretty sure she said no because my parents couldn't afford to send me. She would never admit something like that to me and my finances were not discussed. We'll talk about that when someday we talk about money. But it is just as likely a reason for her to refuse as anything else. And I think about how much that must have killed her to listen to me. Rail at her for being so mean and awful. You know to be stopping me from doing this thing.

Speaker 1: 15:15

I wanted to do so badly when in truth. I think she would have given it to me if she could have, because she always gave me every opportunity I ever asked for and a lot I didn't. I know I sound spoiled asked for and a lot I didn't. I know I sound spoiled, I was. I really was when it came to material things and experiences, things that would get me into college, things that would make her look good, et cetera. Just not spoiled with love. But that's not the point here. The point is that I carried around resentment for years because I believed a story without fact-checking it. And that's what we have to do. We have to fact-check ourselves.

Speaker 1: 15:52

This truth you're speaking is it true? And you know what, while I'm thinking about it, I am such a verbal processor. Speaking your truth does not excuse your behavior. Just because something feels true for you doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't grow or do better. I knew someone who was one of the most present people I have ever met. Like when you were with her, she was with you, totally locked in, fully engaged, just incredibly attentive. But the moment you weren't in front of her, you may as well be on the moon, like you just didn't exist to her and she owned it. She'd say like this is who I am, this is my truth. I am 100% with whoever I'm with in the moment, but if you're not right in front of me, you probably won't hear from me. Often. You know she was being honest. You know clear, authentic even.

Speaker 1: 16:45

But here's the real question Does being clear mean you're off the hook? Does speaking your truth mean you never, ever, have to examine how that truth impacts the people around you? And, more importantly, is your truth helping you build the kind of connection you actually want in your life? So, yeah, I mean your truth matters, absolutely it does, but so does what you do with it. Are you willing to look at how your words, your honesty, your patterns are affecting the people you care about?

Speaker 1: 17:17

Speak your truth, be honest, be real, but also be brave enough to ask yourself is this truth helping me grow? Is it opening my heart? Is it deepening my relationships grow? Is it opening my heart, is it deepening my relationships? Or is it keeping me stuck in fear, in defense, in old habits that push people away? Truth is not meant to be a weapon. It's meant to be a bridge, but only if we learn to walk it with compassion, with curiosity, with care.

Speaker 1: 17:47

So here's your invitation for today. I want you to notice how are you communicating your truth? Are you being clear and also kind? Are you making room for your truth to evolve? Maybe there's a conversation you've been avoiding with someone. Think about taking one small step toward it, just one. It could even mean just journaling what you wish you could say to a person that you've been holding back from that you have not been completely honest with Journal about it.

Speaker 1: 18:21

I'll link that episode too. That counts, that simple beginning of trying to figure out what you want to say and how you want to say it. Remember, speaking your truth is powerful, but how you speak it, that might be even more important. Reminder we are definitely not talking about everything related to speaking your truth in this episode. This is just a few things to think about to get you started some thought experiments.

Speaker 1: 18:54

Thanks for being with me today. If this episode resonated, share it with a friend or take a moment to leave a review. It helps me a lot. I really appreciate it. If you take the time and if you have a question, a comment or want to share an aha moment with me, click the message me button if you're listening on Spotify, or you can always email rootsoftherise at gmailcom. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Know who you are, love who you've been and be willing to do the work to become who you want to be to be. Just a quick reminder this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist and nothing shared here is meant to replace the guidance of a physician, therapist or any other qualified provider. That said, I hope it inspires you to grow, heal and seek the support you need to thrive.