Speaker 1: 0:05

Welcome to Roots of the Rise with me, sarah Hope. Have you ever had one of those days where it feels like the universe has conspired to block every single thing you're trying to get done, where you know exactly what would make things smoother, but it's like every person, device or circumstance around you is determined to do the opposite? That, my friends, is frustration. Let's talk about it. This weekend was basically a crash course in frustration. It's back to school time, which I decided was also the perfect moment to deep clean the whole house, purge my son's toys and get all his school supplies and soccer gear ready. Because why not make life harder?

Speaker 1: 0:49

In my head, short-term insanity for a long-term calm. Saturday was an endless loop of Mom watch this while I tried to keep him involved in sorting toys and trying on clothes. He was a good sport, but the interruptions never stopped. So things took way longer than I thought I would. And then Sunday hit. We just needed to grab his soccer gear, which normally he's excited about. But end of summer sadness, new class jitters had him in full hermit mode, not to mention how much work he had to do on Saturday. The meltdown about leaving the house to go get the soccer gear was epic. My husband and I got frustrated, first with him and then with each other.

Speaker 1: 1:32

So with frustration firmly in the spotlight, at least in my household, here are five things you should know about it. First, frustration is about blocked goals, not bad moods. At its core, frustration happens when something is in the way of what you want or what you expect. It's not random. It's your brain reacting to a perceived barrier, as Brene Brown says in Atlas of the Heart. Frustration happens when something that feels out of my control is preventing me from achieving my desired outcome. So my kid's frustration all about control. He can't stop summer from ending, he can't avoid school starting, and now he was being told that he had to go shopping on his last weekend of summer, which is his idea of the worst possible day. Yeah, as I share this, I'm feeling a little bit of parental guilt because as I lay it out, I realize you know I'm really the one who set us up for this disaster. But we'll get to that Point.

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Two, frustration often morphs into anger. Frustration says I want this, but I can't make it happen. Anger says I can make this happen and I will. Left unchecked. Frustration can harden into resentment or blow up conflict.

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As we told our son it was time to get going. The tears started, followed by the I don't want to go. Now he stayed planted in frustration, Like he knew he didn't really have a say in the matter. But me and my husband, like we drifted closer and closer to anger. Both of us were trying really hard to stay regulated, to be understanding and, you know, to help our kid understand that this was like an exciting, good thing to do. You know we tried.

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But anyone who has tried to keep it together when it feels like their kid is being unreasonable and maybe a little ungrateful to boot, knows that it's tough. You know the whole thing was about getting in brand new soccer gear. It's hard to stay in compassion and not slide straight into anger when you're trying to do something nice for someone and they're pitching a fit about it. And yes, I know he's six and this is perfectly normal behavior, but if we're being honest, it is also perfectly annoying. It's really hard to stay in compassion and not slide into anger sometimes, and some days it's harder than others to keep your calm, which brings me to point number three.

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Your nervous system sets your frustration threshold. When you're regulated, you have more patience, Small annoyances barely register. But if you're tired, stressed, overstimulated, hungry or already in fight or flight, your threshold drops and even minor obstacles feel huge. You've felt this. The internet dies right before a deadline. You hit unexpected construction on the way to an important appointment, or my day today. You're trying to get soccer gear while your child is spiraling. The body revs up, your patience evaporates and your thinking narrows.

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Which brings me to point number four. Frustration narrows thinking and drains problem solving. Stress shifts energy away from your rational brain and you go into survival mode. You get stuck in. I want this, I need this mode instead of okay, let's look at the options. Your flexibility and adaptability drop. Your clear thinking shuts down. Your efficacy decreases. You lose the ability to step back and see a higher perspective.

Speaker 1: 5:12

Only later, like me sitting here prepping this episode, do alternatives appear. Technically, soccer doesn't start for another week. We could have gone next weekend or later in the day after something fun. We also could have offered fewer choices. We were trying to do that thing that they tell you to do, where you offer your kid, you know, options, but in reality the options didn't exist. We had already decided the gear run was happening today, so why on earth did we pretend like there was a different choice when there wasn't? Why didn't we just announce we're going instead of saying do you want to? Parent fail? We all have them. So what do you do?

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The fastest way out of frustration is to pause and follow these three steps. First name it just like with overwhelm. Literally say I'm feeling frustrated. Naming the emotion helps move it from the reactive part of your brain into the thinking part, which gives you more control over your next move. Don't forget that so often, part of the problem is that you're trying to ignore or disregard what either you or the other person is feeling. We need to acknowledge what's going on, and also part of what's going on is how this frustration is impacting you physically. What is it doing to your body? Where are you feeling it? Tightness in the gut or tightness in the throat, shoulder tension? Just be aware of how your physical body is being impacted too.

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Second step get regulated. Take a breath, shake your arms, step outside for fresh air, walk away from the situation, meditate. Anything that downshifts your nervous system will make it easier for you to think clearly If you try to fix something while dysregulated whether it's frustration or overwhelm, like we talked about last episode, you will probably make worse decisions or escalate. Regulating first gets you back to clear thinking. So remember, regulate first, solve second and finally step three, shift the framework. Ask yourself, okay, what is still in my control? Or what's the next smallest helpful action? What are the alternatives here? What am I really wanting? Even if you can't change like the overall picture, you can still move toward calm or progress in a small way.

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With my son we actually did the naming part. Well, we both said I'm really frustrated, but we did not regulate for long enough before taking action. If we'd paused, I suspect we could have come to better terms before he drove off with his dad, him leaving really upset and me feeling like I'd handled it poorly. Of course kids bounce back fast, usually feeling like I'd handled it poorly. Of course kids bounce back fast, usually. You know, my husband texted a few minutes later saying the tears had dried up and they were happily picking out soccer gear. So there is that.

Speaker 1: 8:10

But as an important side note, when frustration escalates between you and someone else, it is crucial to go back and repair. When my son came home after excitedly showing me his new cleats and all his other stuff, I said hey, you know we didn't handle this morning very well, did we? We all got frustrated and I don't think any of us really listened to what the other one was feeling and I suggested you know, next time let's slow down and try to understand each other better. And he said yeah, I got frustrated because you made me do something I didn't want to do, because he's six right. And so I told him well, honey, that's going to happen sometimes, but remember when mom and dad push something, it's because we think it's the right thing for you. But, that said, I'm sorry we didn't slow down enough and take time to make sure you really felt heard.

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Now, look, there are limits to this. I am not on board with the whole gentle parenting idea where your kid dictates their own lives, but I do think it's important especially when it's not that big of a deal where we could have shifted our plans to recognize that so that he knows that I see him and I understand where he's coming from and that my goal is always to work with him, not to mention modeling for him that process of coming back to someone and saying, hey, I messed up, I overreacted, I didn't handle that well. Here's what I did wrong. Here's how I want to fix it in the future. How does that land with you?

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So I say all of this to say that, if frustration is part of a dynamic you have with someone in your life, make sure that, after you've had some sort of explosive experience with them, you go back and you apologize, you say I'm sorry, let's talk about what happened while we're both feeling a little more rational and a little less crazy. Will that work with everyone? No, of course, there are extenuating circumstances. Not all relationships or dynamics, you know, are capable of having that kind of conversation, but it's worth a shot to try it out Truthfully. You know these kinds of interactions. They don't have to happen. The heartache is avoidable. Frustration, though, is not. But when you understand why it happens and you have tools to interrupt it, it doesn't have to ruin your day, your relationships or your peace of mind. That is all for today, short and sweet.

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If this episode spoke to you, share it with someone who might need a reminder that frustration does not have to take the wheel. And if you're enjoying this podcast, the best way to support it is by leaving a quick review or sharing it with a friend. I really do appreciate when you do. If you have any questions or comments, you can always email me at rootsoftherise at gmailcom. I love hearing from you. Until next time, remember, know who you are, love who you've been and be willing to do the work to become who you want to be. Just a quick reminder this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist and nothing shared here is meant to replace the guidance of a physician, therapist or any other qualified provider. That said, I hope it inspires you to grow, heal and seek the support you need to thrive.