Ever catch yourself having the same painful thought over and over, wishing someone acted differently or that life were more fair? This episode is for you. We're diving into Viring Katie's loving what is, a simple but powerful process that helps you question the thoughts that cause suffering. By the end, you'll understand the four questions of the work and how to use them to find more peace, clarity, and compassion in your everyday life. Welcome to Roots of the Rise with me, Sarah Hope, where spiritual wisdom needs practical tools in short, bite-sized episodes. These are tasters, not deep dives designed to spark curiosity and guide you toward authentic alignment so you can discover who you truly are. So today I want to share some highlights about why I think this book is truly exceptional. First of all, who should read it? Who is this for? Really, it's anyone who feels stuck trying to figure out how to accept or forgive, whether it's a person or a life circumstance. And honestly, I mean, who among us doesn't fit that description? The big problem is that most of us are simply telling ourselves a story, a story that makes sense to us. And the even bigger problem: stories are 95% BS, our belief system. The story we tell ourselves is where the pain lives. So take a moment right now and think about this in your own life. What's a story you've been telling yourself lately about a situation that is giving you some difficulty, that you're having trouble accepting, or that has to do with someone that you're having a difficult time forgiving? Let's see. Okay, a friend takes four days to respond to a text. Well, it only hurts because we believe it means she doesn't care about us. Our spouse forgets our anniversary. It only hurts because we believe it means they don't love us as much as they used to. Our boss passes us over for a promotion. It only stings because we believe it means they don't value our contributions. Often this pain is wrapped up in all the shoulds we carry around. My friend should respond promptly. My husband should remember our anniversary. My boss should promote me because I'd be great at that job. Or one I am intimately familiar with, my mother should love me unconditionally. Can we really know that it's true? I mean, it all sounds very reasonable, moral, understandable. But Byron Cady suggests that the truth is it should be exactly the way it is. Why? Because that's reality. She writes, life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don't have to like it. It's just easier if you do. The deeper truth is that we only think we know what's best in any given situation. Remember that movie Signs with Mel Gibson? Uh, one of the kids keeps leaving half-drunk glasses of water all around the house, which was like so annoying, and uh, you know, he got bent out of shape about it. But then, of course, it turns out that the water is what kills the alien. So when it attacks, they have all these glasses of water around, and the brother is a, you know, failed baseball star, if I'm remembering correctly, and he like slams the glasses of water with the baseball bat, swing away, right? Was the last thing that the wife said before she died. Oh my goodness, that took me down a rabbit hole. Anyway, not a very relatable example, but it does illustrate the point here. Uh, let's think about um something a little bit more reasonable. Okay, the couple that can't sleep together because the husband snores, and it creates all this tension, this distance. They both feel, you know, kind of anger and resentment about the fact that they don't sleep in the same bed. But then it's because of that separation that the wife is downstairs and closer to the kitchen when the house catches fire in the middle of the night, and because of that, she wakes up in time to get them both out safely. Or, I mean, how many stories have you heard of people saying, Wow, you know, I forgot to grab my wallet and so I went back inside. So I was, you know, five minutes late getting to work, and that's what made me avoid that big accident. There are tons of stories from 9-11 that are like this. You know, we just don't know the divine plan. So, how can we judge how things are? They are what they are, and being okay with that, trusting that there might be a reason we just can't see yet. That's loving what is. That is true acceptance. Maybe you've had a moment like that, something painful or frustrating that later turned out to have some sort of hidden grace inside it. Pause for a moment to think about that. It's like a silver uh linings exercise where you can look back and say, at the time, I thought this was horrible, but now I see. Now I see why this was actually good. That said, we can't force ourselves to believe anything or to want to do something or to not feel some way about something. You know, reality is what it is in all ways. So we have to change how we think about reality because so often we just get caught in the story, in our thoughts about the event. One of the things I love most about this book is how many examples she includes. Real people, real situations. It's almost impossible not to find yourself in at least one of the examples she gives. One, admittedly, hopefully not so relatable for most of us, story that she talks about as a little boy caught in a bombing. His house falls down around him. Now, was he okay? Yes. In that moment, he was okay. His suffering came later through his thoughts, the fears, the what-ifs, the imagined outcomes. It wasn't the event itself that hurt him, it was the story that followed. Another example she gives is someone getting a bad stock tip from an uncle and losing everything. He blames his uncle and expects the uncle to make things right. But who actually made the choice? Not the uncle. Who's the one who actually bought the stocks? Not the uncle. Even if the uncle did know it was a bad tip, it was still the investor's choice to act on it. And the beauty of Byron Cady's work is that it's all about asking the right questions. As Michael Beckwith says, he says, when circumstances come crashing down on us, the only way we can truly survive and thrive is to go within and to ask empowering questions. The divine will answer with dreams, nudges, synchronicities, or intuitive hits. But if we ask disempowering questions, the divine will answer those two, and it will feed our disempowerment. Asking the right questions can be the difference between accepting the past and resisting it. Disempowering questions sound like, why me? Who's to blame? What am I supposed to do? And those lead to answers like, I grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, this is my mother's fault, there's nothing I can do. I'm stuck. Empowering questions, on the other hand, sound like, what is this calling forth within me? What facet of love can I cultivate? What is this trying to teach me? How might this actually be helping me? And how does that help us? Well, what is this calling forth within me? Oh, it's calling forth courage. What facet of love can I cultivate? Compassion. What is this trying to teach me? How to stand up for myself? How might this actually be helping me? Oh, it's helping me realize what is in actual alignment for me moving forward. Just pause for a moment and think. What's one question that would move you toward growth rather than blame? Do you think you tend to ask yourself empowering questions or disempowering ones? Another key element here is learning how to distinguish between observation and judgment. I talked about this a little in episode 93 on forgiveness, but it's worth repeating. Observations are simply facts, what actually happened. Judgments are our interpretations about what happened. And sometimes it's surprisingly hard to tell the difference. This book gives us a structure for exploring things. Because as Byron Cady says, all the suffering that goes on inside our minds is not reality. It's just a story we torture ourselves with. So she offers this really simple, repeatable process to help you free yourself from the thoughts that make you suffer. So here's the general overview. Let's be clear, this is not a how-to episode because the book is, well, it's just that good. And there are a lot of nuances and opportunities to get stuck in this process. But I want to outline the basics so you at least have kind of broad strokes understanding of what this looks like. The first step is to take the situation you're struggling with and write it down. All your judgments, your thoughts, your feelings, just get it out on paper in short, simple sentences. It's best to start with someone you haven't quite forgiven yet. Don't start with yourself. That comes later. Just trust the process. You want to get kind of used to it before you do something like investigate something you haven't forgiven yourself for, even though we all know deep down that it always circles back to you. But we want to start easier. And the other thing is you must write it down. Don't do this in your head. It's fine if you want to type it out on a computer or whatever, but don't just do it in your head and think about it. The ego takes over way too quickly. So slow it down and either type or write. In the book, she offers lots of questions to help get you started. Things like in this situation, who angers confuses, sadness disappoints you, and why? What is it about this person or situation that most upsets you? Lots of questions to help you flesh this part out. Byron Katie always makes me laugh here because she actually instructs you to be as harsh, critical, and childish as possible. I mean, it's called the judge your neighbor worksheet. You get full permission to do what we all do secretly, but often feel guilty about admitting you are supposed to be catty and petty and say everything you're thinking. Once you've written everything down, you identify the key statement, the one that really gets to the heart of your complaint. You might write pages and pages and then realize the core of it is something like, My husband doesn't listen to me. And that is the statement you then take into the four questions. So the first of the four questions is simply, is it true? Yes or no? If you answer no, you move on to question three. But many of us get stuck here for a little bit. You know, this question, it can really change your life. You want to be still and gentle with yourself and ask if the thought you wrote down is true. Keep it simple, just yes or no. If there are buts or ands attached, you're not really doing the work. So let's take the statement, my husband doesn't listen to me. Is it true? It feels like it is, but is it actually true? Or my wife doesn't respect me? Is that true? Just sit with it and let the question land. What are the reasons you believe this? And you know, this often leads to the second question, which is can you absolutely know it's true? Again, yes or no. But this question invites you to go deeper, to open your mind beyond what you think you know. So that first example, my husband doesn't listen to me. Can you absolutely know it's true? Once you think about it, maybe you realize, well, no, I mean he listens. He just doesn't always do what I say, or he forgets things, which doesn't mean he isn't listening. Or with my wife doesn't respect me. Maybe it's not that she doesn't respect you. Maybe she's incredibly sad or angry and doesn't know how to express it. She may not even understand why she's acting in a way you see as disrespectful. If you get stuck in either of these first two questions, Byron Katie offers ways to dig deeper, like things like adding, and it means that to your statement. So, for example, my husband doesn't listen to me, and it means that. And these steps help you uncover what's truly driving the thought. Again, there are lots of other ways to kind of dig deeper in this part. But before we move on to the third question, I want you to pause and just really let the first two questions sink in. They're not meant to be rushed. Sometimes this alone can bring a wave of insight or even relief. So just asking yourself about whatever you're, you know, struggling with right now, first of all, the belief you have about it, is it true? And can you absolutely know it's true? The third question is how do you react? What happens when you believe that thought? And this is where you begin to notice internal cause and effect. You know, when you believe that thought, what happens inside? You might feel anything from, you know, mild discomfort to fear or even panic. You know, how do you treat that person or the situation you wrote about when you believe this thought? How do you treat yourself when you believe that thought? Be specific. Maybe it looks like I feel unloved and disrespected when I believe my husband doesn't listen to me. I get angry, I lash out, I call him names. Or maybe with the other example, I feel small when I believe my wife doesn't respect me. My self-esteem plummets. I worry about what our kids are learning about partnership. Byron Katie also suggests a few follow-up questions here, like can you see a reason to drop that thought? Remember, you're not being asked to drop the thought just to see if there's a reason to. Often, the emotions you listed in this step, anger, sadness, hurt, are good enough reasons to let it go. The fourth question has a two-part, it's a it's a two-parter. So the first part is who would you be without the thought? Just imagine yourself in the presence of that person or in that situation without believing the thought. How would life feel different if you couldn't even think that thought? Which feels kinder? Life with the thought or life without it? You might find I'd be more patient with my husband. Maybe I'd make sure I have his attention before I talk. Or I'd be more curious with my wife, asking why she says what she does or what's really behind her reactions. And then comes honestly my favorite part in this process, step two of the fourth question, is the turnaround. Turn the thought around. This gives you a chance to experience the opposite of what you believe. And then you want to ask yourself: is the new statement as true or even more true than the original? Okay, so let's do it with the example we're going through. The original statement, my husband doesn't listen to me. The turnarounds would be, I don't listen to myself, I don't listen to my husband, my husband does listen to me. Or with the other example, my wife doesn't respect me. The turnarounds would be, I don't respect myself, I don't respect my wife, my wife does respect me. Notice how this invites an aha moment, sometimes uncomfortable, but often freeing. It's here that we can finally see our situation in a completely new light. And we also want to notice how it feels. That's why I love this process. I return to it again and again because it helps unstick old patterns and create space for compassion and truth. Now you can absolutely explore this on your own. You just write down your judgments, your harsh thoughts, the inner rants that come up, and then ask yourself the four questions. Is it true? Can I absolutely know it's true? How do I react when I believe that thought? Who would I be without the thought? And then turn it around and see what you discover. And if you get stuck, you are not alone. Loving what is is full of examples and deeper prompts to help you uncover what you might not even realize you're believing. These four questions are not about forcing positivity. They're about gently meeting your thoughts with honesty and curiosity and openness. The more often you practice, the more you'll start to feel a kind of peace that doesn't depend on anyone else changing. So play with it. Don't get frustrated. Go to the book if you do. Thanks so much for listening. If you'd like to stay connected, visit risingwithsarah.com to sign up for my newsletter and be the first to know about new retreats and offerings to help you live with more joy and authenticity. And remember, know who you are, love who you've been, and be willing to do the work to become who you're meant to be. Just a quick reminder this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist, and nothing shared here is meant to replace the guidance of a physician, therapist, or any other qualified provider. That said, I hope it inspires you to grow, heal, and seek the support you need to thrive.