Do you say I should to yourself an awful lot? Are you someone who feels stuck, drained, or constantly pulled in a million directions by all those shoulds? If so, this episode is for you. We're going to explore why that little voice in your head, the one that keeps saying I should, is holding you back and what you can do to reclaim your energy, your choices, and your joy. Welcome to Roots of the Rise with me, Sarah Hope, where spiritual wisdom meets practical tools in short, bite-sized episodes. These are tasters, not deep dives, meant to spark curiosity, help you root deeply, rise freely, and remember who you truly are. Hi everyone, welcome back. Today I want to talk about something we all do, especially around the holidays. Something that quietly drains our energy, creates intertention, and sometimes even keeps us stuck. I'm talking about shoulding ourselves. You know the phrases. I should, I must, I have to, I ought to. These words are small, but they carry a lot of weight. They push us to do things that are not truly aligned with who we are, not what brings us joy, fulfillment, or a sense of purpose. Shoulds are the things that keep us stuck in negativity, resentment, anger, burnout. And yet most of us have that little voice in our heads that never stops, the one that keeps whispering, I should. Here are some of the most common ones people tell themselves, I hear them all the time. I should have achieved more by now. I should exercise more. I should eat healthier. I should get more sleep. I should be a better partner, parent, friend. I should be more outgoing or social. I should be more disciplined. I should have overcome this by now. I should know exactly what I want in life. I shouldn't feel this way. I should be happier. I should let go of the past. Any of those sound familiar? I'm willing to bet at least one of them, if not multiple, resonated with you. If not now, then maybe in the past. Or maybe it's a friend or family member who says it all the time. Speaking of, let's talk about where those shoulds come from. When we say we should do something, most often we are internalizing someone else's rules. Rules from our parents, teachers, society, even our peers. For example, I really should bake the Christmas cookies for my kids' class from scratch instead of picking them up at the grocery store. That's one one of my clients brought in. When we live by these internalized rules, we undermine our own deeper knowledge. We are setting ourselves up for all sorts of pressure that maybe we don't need to have. It can create conflict, anger, rebellion, frustration, resentment. It also undermines personal responsibility. I did what I should do, so we can deceive ourselves into not being responsible for our actions. There's a lack of empowerment here. So should is tricky. It can feel like motivation, but it often comes from a place of fear, judgment, or guilt. To understand this better, let's look at three different ways we're motivated. The first one is something I've heard called a dog's life, driven by pleasure and pain. We act out of impulse. I want this, I don't want that. This can keep us safe and alive, but it is reactive and short term. This is where like children live. They are pretty decisive in knowing the do and don't want for themselves. You know, it's pretty much a heaven or hell scenario. Things are either great or they're awful. The second is what I call push energy. Here we push ourselves to do something. There's a feeling of I must do this, I need to do this, I have to do this. It can work in the short term, but it is exhausting. The energy comes from force, not joy. Over time, it often leads to burnout, procrastination, inner tension, especially when the push is coming from those internalized rules that are actually someone else's values or priorities, not your own. And the last one is what I call pull energy. This is loving self-discipline motivated by love and free will. This is the one we want to operate from. Here, our actions come from a place of choice and alignment with what we truly value. Energy flows naturally. And the result is fulfillment, freedom, a greater sense of self-worth. There's joy here because we're acting in true alignment with our own inner guidance system. And when we act from this place, we begin to experience it as a desire to be fully present to our lives. We begin to trust ourselves to create the life we actually want to be living. Now, why is this so important? It may sound like a dumb question, but it's important because a lot of the reason why we rely on painful motivators is that we don't fully trust ourselves. This is what I was talking about in the last episode. We don't trust our inner guidance. We don't trust that it's gonna take good care of us, that we're gonna follow through on things. We fear our own impulses more than we trust our capacity to follow through with what truly matters. We worry that we're gonna drop balls, that we're gonna disappoint someone, that if we don't consistently prove our worth, we're going to be abandoned, that we're not quite lovable enough just for who we are. We have to meet other people's needs and priorities and expectations in order to be accepted. Does this sound at all familiar to you? It is very familiar to me. Let me give you some examples that my clients have brought in in the past. I have to stay for all of Christmas dinner, even though it's incredibly stressful and painful to listen to how much of a disappointment I am to my father. I need to stay late at work, even though it means I'm going to miss my kid's piano recital. I really should have gotten over that divorce by now, even though I was married for 20 years and he cheated on me with my best friend, and the divorce was only finalized two months ago. Or here's my own personal brand of should. I should work myself to death and burnout so that I prove I am a worthy and useful partner. I still battle this one sometimes. It gets complicated because I actually love what I do. So there's a lot of pull energy. But it's really easy for me to slip into push energy because I spent the first, you know, three quarters of my life trying endlessly to prove my worth to my parents and then to my previous partners. That's a piece of my programming that's going to take some time to fully resolve. But that's okay because I have the awareness now to see it when it's happening, to be able to name it, and most of the time step away when I realize I'm falling into it. I'm getting there. Work in progress. So, what do we do about the shoulds? How do we begin to operate based on our terms, our values, instead of others or fear? First, don't just tell yourself you're going to stop shoulding yourself. It's like next to impossible. The shoulds are going to happen. So instead of trying to subtract them, try adding awareness with these four steps. The next time you catch yourself saying I should, follow it up with, because if I don't, it would mean and who says? Ask yourself, what do I think? And then empower yourself by reframing it as I'm going to choose to. So let me give you a scenario one of my clients shared. For her, it was I should only do home-baked cookies for my kids' Christmas party, because if I don't, it means I'm a bad mom. And I think that because I grew up listening to my mother go on and on about how lazy those moms are who don't bake the Christmas cookies themselves. What I really think when I sit with it is that I disagree. My mom was a stay-at-home mom taking care of me. Her only child was her only job. I'm juggling a full-time job and three kids. Why am I holding myself to the same standard? And the grocery store cookies are delicious. I'm going to choose to buy the cookies because that frees up three hours I can spend actually getting to watch my kids recital and enjoy it instead of dreading staying up until one o'clock in the morning afterwards to get those cookies baked. Now, I want you to note that this awareness does not mean you need to actually change what you do. Maybe you sit with it and you realize, no, buying the cookies would not make you a bad mom. But you actually really want to make them. It brings you joy to make them and you want to make them with your kid. So you say, I choose to take the afternoon off so that I can make them with my kid, not stay up late and actually have fun, or some other scenario. Here's another example from earlier, another one of my clients. I tell myself I have to stay for the entire holiday dinner because if I don't, it must mean I'm a bad daughter. And I believe that because I already feel like a bad daughter. My father has been telling me I don't prioritize the family for as long as I can remember. So leaving early feels like more proof. But what do I actually think? I think he's going to see me as a bad daughter, whether I stay or not. So I'm going to choose the version of hard that hurts the least. I can stay, be miserable, and sit through the comments about how disappointing I am. Or I can leave before dessert, save myself an hour of criticism, and end the night with friends who actually love me for who I am. That option still comes with the guilt of disappointing him, but at least I don't have to sit there and absorb it. Now, both of those are big drawn-out examples. And sometimes it's it's not that complicated. It's pretty simple. There isn't some big underlying pain point. It's just a habit or a practice you're trying to institute to take better care of yourself. Like instead of I should exercise today, which is pressure filled, that's push energy, you can switch to saying, I choose to move my body because it nourishes me and gives me energy. Instead of I should finish this project, switch to I choose to work on this because it brings me closer to the financial freedom I want. This simple shift turns a negative, guilt-based motivator into one grounded in love, self-trust, and alignment with your true priorities. And if you really want to challenge yourself, you can even go so far as to say, I choose to enjoy. I choose to enjoy moving my body today. I choose to enjoy drinking all this water. I choose to enjoy going to this holiday dinner. Some say if you can't say that in truth, maybe you shouldn't do it. Marshall Rosenberg says you should only agree to something if it gives you the joy of a child feeding ducks, which I love. But I also don't know that I go that far because we all do things that we don't necessarily want to do. You know, I should clean the bathroom. Can I change that to saying I'm really going to enjoy scrubbing the toilet? Probably not. But I do think it's an interesting add-on that in some cases might be telling, especially if you are a people pleaser. The truth is we all have places where we don't fully trust ourselves, where we are driven by push energy, not pull, and that's okay. But the more we practice loving self-discipline, gain understanding over our deeper motivations, and make conscious choices, the freer we become. So today, notice where you are shoulding yourself. Ask, what would happen if I didn't? Who says I should? And what do I truly choose? When we choose from love and joy instead of fear or guilt, discipline becomes freedom. And freedom is the place where we can finally thrive. Thanks so much for listening today. If this resonated, I'd love for you to share it with someone who might be shitting it themselves too. And if this is the work you want more of, or if you want to support in applying it into your life, that is exactly what we are doing inside my membership that opens January 1st. I will be sharing the details next episode. Have a wonderful weekend and remember, know who you are, love who you've been, and be willing to do the work to become who you're meant to be. Just a quick reminder this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist, and nothing shared here is meant to replace the guidance of a physician, therapist, or any other qualified provider. That said, I hope it inspires you to grow, heal, and seek the support you need to thrive.