Nervous System And Survival Patterns

Step One: Regulate Before Responding

Control Versus Boundaries

Step Two: Restate With Clarity

Step Three: Clarify Impact With NVC

Step Four: Adjust Access If Needed

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Have you ever had a boundary somewhat and watched we disregard it? If you're using the answer, it's so what do we do when we do not win a battery? Welcome to Roots of the Rise with me. These are tasks, not deep dives, meant to spark curiosity, help you root deeply, rise freely, and remember who you truly are. Today we are talking about boundaries, a little bit about what they are, and then getting into what to do when someone ignores a boundary you set. Because that is the moment that really matters. A boundary isn't tested when you set it, it's tested when it's crossed. And in that moment, you learn something really important about the person you set the boundary with, about yourself, about the relationship. So let's start with the moment itself. You tell your kid, please don't raise your voice at me. They raise it anyway. You tell your mother-in-law, please don't drop by unannounced. They show up the next morning without texting or calling. You tell your boss, please don't schedule me on Wednesdays anymore. And the very next week you're on the schedule for Wednesday. And something happens inside you. You have a response. It might feel like anger, shock, disappointment, self-doubt. You might even question yourself. Was I too sensitive? Was I unclear? Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I should just let it go. I mean, how many of you have had those thoughts? I know I have. It's so very common for us to question ourselves when a line has been crossed. And you know what? It's not just a mental game, it's also physiological. When a boundary is crossed, your nervous system reads that as information. Information that tells you not safe, not respected, not seen. And depending on your history, your body may go into the normal responses, you know, fight, flight, freeze, fawn. So you might attack back, you might escalate, maybe you withdraw and you just shut down. Maybe you go blank, disassociate, lose words, or you smooth it over, you minimize it, you people please your way out of the discomfort. And this is why so many self-aware people say, I know what I should say. Why can't I say it in the moment? Or my mind just goes blank, I don't know how to respond. And then two hours later, I know exactly what I should have said. And it's because boundaries are not just intellectual, they are also felt. And if your body does not feel safe, you're naturally going to default to whatever survival pattern was created in your childhood. Before I go any further, I also want to acknowledge that the way we respond to boundaries being violated changes dramatically based on the nature of the relationship we're in, whether it's healthy or not, whether we're dealing with family, friends, or a boss. So while what I'm about to share is not a one size fits all, it does at least give you some place to start. So the first thing I want to say is this before you do anything else when a boundary has been violated, regulate. I always want to burst into Warren G's uh regulator's song whenever I say that word, which is not appropriate and I'm totally dating myself. But anyway, it's important here. We need to regulate the physiology. And you can do that by pausing, by using your breath. You can do that, you know, uh, when life gets too much, two sniffs in then flush. So the two inhales through the nose and then a long exhale through the mouth. That's something you can do that will um help. I'm not saying it's gonna stop your anger or your frustration or whatever it is in its tract, but it will help bring you back to a regulated state if you can do it a few times. And usually you can kind of sneak it in under the radar, and the person you're talking to might notice that you're doing it. So doing some sort of breathing pattern when you take the pause is one way, but also just using the pause, you know, letting the initial surge settle. Like we talked about a few episodes ago, you're going to get hit with a surge of emotion, and physiologically you might even feel it. You need to give yourself time for that to settle, not to suppress yourself, not to uh reject the experience or try to push it away, but to make sure that the version of you responding is the grounded one, not the wounded one, that you are responding, not reacting. Because when someone crosses a boundary, it's very tempting to shift into control. And control sounds like, you know, don't talk to me like that. You need to stop. You can't do that. Control is an attempt to dictate someone else's behavior. A boundary defines your own. Control says, like, you must be different so I can be okay. But a boundary says, if that continues, I will make a different choice. And that distinction matters most after a boundary has been violated. Because if you escalate into control, you are very likely going to escalate the conflict. But if you come back to yourself, you regain alignment. So step one, as I've already said, is to regulate before you respond. So it might mean waiting a few moments. It might mean waiting a few hours. It might mean waiting a day. It means taking time to check in with yourself. Like, am I feeling out of control or overrun by emotion? Am I responding from an activated place? Because usually, if you are, it's going to either be explosive or self-abandoning. So you want to wait so that you can speak calmly. And calm doesn't mean passive, it means steady. So after you've done that, once you're coming from a place of steadiness and be feeling grounded, the next step is to restate the boundary clearly. Sometimes people genuinely didn't understand. I mean, sometimes they did, but they want to see if you meant it. You know, we know kids do this all the time. They test boundaries. But regardless, you don't want to make assumptions here. You want to restate the boundary clearly. You don't need to be louder the second time. You need to be more clear. I'm not willing to stay in a conversation where you are yelling at me. Let's talk again in an hour or two. You know, notice what's missing. No character assassination, no history lesson, no dramatic ultimatum. There's just clarity. I'm not going to have this conversation when you are yelling at me. The next piece is clarifying the impact. So this is the part that keeps boundaries relational instead of rigid. It's also where nonviolent communication can come into play, which I've talked about way too much. Um, but it's just that useful. So you can go back and listen to the other episodes on it. Um, but in nonviolent communication, where you state what you are feeling, what you are needing, and what you are wanting very clearly and specifically. So it might sound something like, I'm feeling hurt that you continue to drop by unannounced when I've asked you not to. I'm needing you to respect my wishes, and I'm wanting you to simply give me a call or text to let me know you're on your way. Is this possible? Is there a reason why you don't want to do this? Impact invites empathy. Blame invites defense. You're not accusing, you are informing. And I think importantly, you are seeking understanding about why they violated your boundary, not to excuse it, but because understanding can often shine light on what can fix the situation. Maybe your mother-in-law doesn't text because she's afraid you'll say no. Maybe it's insecurity. Maybe she's worried about losing access to her grandkids. Knowing this, maybe you just set up a standing date so she knows she's going to get to see them once a week. Now, this does require a certain amount of self-awareness on everybody's part because it might not be that your mother-in-law is able to explain that that's what's going on. She might not have the awareness to know that her actions are kind of being created out of this insecurity that she feels. Andor she might not feel safe enough to be that vulnerable to share it with you. But you can at least kind of give her the space to do that. And sometimes the way that they respond can give you the insight. So if you are more aware, and I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that you are because you're listening to a podcast like this. If you are more aware, well, then it gives you the ability to step back and kind of try to read the lean between the lines to understand what might be motivating somebody else's actions. No, it's not your responsibility to do this. It's incumbent upon all of us to understand our own inner workings. However, the truth of it is some of us, we're doing the work a lot more than some of the other people. And if we care about the relationship, if our intention is to be more kind and loving while also being kind and loving to ourselves, well, then taking that moment to try to understand is kind of par for the course. It's kind of what we're here to do. These kinds of conversations, this ability to be clear about what you really want in a relationship, what your boundaries are, and the other person's ability to either respect or reveal that they're not willing to respect that boundary. Well, that's all information. That's helping you see just how healthy or not healthy the relationship is. And that's important. And you might already know this. You might be thinking about someone who repeatedly uh crosses boundaries with you, and you're thinking, well, yeah, I know that this relationship is unhealthy. How do I handle this? What do I do with this? How do I manage it? Because sometimes that's what we end up figuring out. What we end up realizing is painful and that the dynamic of the relationship isn't tenable. And that's what leads us to the fourth step, which is adjusting access if necessary, which is the really hard part. If the behavior continues despite clarity, despite regulation, despite trying to seek understanding, well, then you have to adjust access. And this doesn't have to mean dramatic endings. You know, likely you're not just gonna quit your job because your boss can't schedule you when you ask him to. But it can mean getting clarification about why he keeps scheduling you when you ask him not to, and using that to decide whether you can be okay with it or if a visit to HR is warranted. Uh, in you know, personal relationships, it can mean less sharing, less vulnerability with that person, shorter conversations, changing topics, creating distance. And sometimes it really does mean walking away. Not to teach someone a lesson, but because you learned yours. Somewhere I read, I would rather adjust my life to someone's absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate their disrespect. And that's not cold or uncaring. That's about being fully aligned and grounded within yourself. Often it's hard though. When a boundary is crossed, most of us swing. We either become over-accommodating, you know, it's fine. I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I'll just deal with it. Or we go rigid. That's it. I'm done. You know, walls up, no explanation, no repair. Healthy boundaries, they sit in the middle. It's an openness, a willingness to repair while also being clear about limits, you know, willing to leave if repair fails, but not eager to. And, you know, you might notice that you kind of fall in one of those categories differently depending on the relationship. Maybe you are overaccommodating at work, but rigid in romance, healthy with friends, but walls up with family. You know, that's normal. The goal isn't necessarily to have the same standards or metrics for all situations, all relationships. The goal is awareness. What are you willing to allow in this dynamic? And the other thing you want to be aware of is how holding a boundary can create difficult change. Because if you start to shift the way you interact with people, many times they're not gonna like it. You might lose closeness, you might be labeled mean, you may feel lonely, you may grieve who you thought someone was. And if you don't normalize that grief, you'll panic when it shows up. You'll start to think I must have done something wrong. But discomfort after growth is not proof you were wrong. It's often proof that what you changed mattered. Sometimes the most aligned thing you can do will feel like loss. And that doesn't mean you collapse back into misalignment just to feel comfortable again, although it will be incredibly tempting at times. You've got to remember you do not have to sacrifice yourself to maintain connection. That is not love, that is self-abandonment. The people who are capable of loving you well will adjust. And the people who aren't, again, that just gives you information. And with that information, you get to decide where to go, how to respond, to stay, to leave, to be more vulnerable or less so. I want to make one more point about boundaries, which is uh kind of a duh statement. But let's remember they are not easy. Finding that balance between holding the line, not being too rigid, figuring out how many chances to give someone before you greatly change the relationship dynamic, that can be a struggle. And if there's any sort of abuse going on where you are worried for your safety if you try to hold a boundary, well, that complicates things even more. If that's you, if the idea of holding a boundary makes you afraid for your safety, please don't handle that alone. Reach out for support. That's not a communication issue, that's a safety issue. That is a clear red flag that the relationship isn't healthy. And having support when you go to establish a new dynamic is really important. So to recap, if a boundary of yours has been crossed recently, pause. Take the pause, use that time to regulate yourself. Then you want to restate the boundary clearly. Clarify the impact using nonviolent communication, highlighting what you're feeling, what you're needing, and what you're wanting. And if necessary, adjust access. Not to control, not to punish, but to remain in integrity with yourself. Because at the end of the day, boundaries are not about controlling others. They are about how aligned you stay with who you want to be and what you want out of your relationships. Alignment isn't proven when everything is easy. It's proven when you stay true to yourself, especially when someone else makes it hard. So if all of this resonated, you might take a few minutes today and gently reflect on these questions. Where have I been too accommodating? Where have I been too rigid? Where am I being invited into something healthier? And what would responding instead of reacting look like? If you have a relationship with someone who repeatedly crosses your boundaries, take that situation and start to game plan it. Start to think about what you will do the next time they inevitably cross that boundary. How are you going to regulate yourself? What are you feeling, needing, and specifically wanting? How are you going to phrase that to them in a way that they clearly understand the impact of what they are doing? Do you want to ask them questions to help you understand why they continuously breach this boundary? Take time to think about it now when you can calmly plan your response instead of instinctively falling into a reaction. Thanks so much for listening. I hope this gave you a little bit of structure for how to approach maintaining boundaries. Members, the notes and some extra prompts are waiting for you in Patreon. Have a wonderful week and remember, know who you are, love who you've been, and be willing to do the work to become who you are meant to be. Just a quick reminder this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist, and nothing shared here is meant to replace the guidance of a physician, therapist, or any other qualified provider. That said, I hope it inspires you to grow, heal, and seek the support you need to thrive.