The Show Format And Intent

Attachment Theory Recommendation

Moving Toward Secure Attachment

Modern Wisdom Recommendation

Sex Is Declining In Adults

Masculinity Messages And Relationships

Polarity And Why Attraction Fades

Equality Progress And The Overshoot

Emotional Labor Burnout And Desire

The Vicious Cycle Of Disconnection

Co Created Dynamics And Resentment

Boundaries And Intentional Balance

Share Your Thoughts And Closing

Educational Disclaimer

SPEAKER_00 0:05

If you are a strong, capable woman ducking up full life and burned out dream relationship, this one's pretty good. I am sharing two podcasts today. One unattachment style comic I wish. And another unclean. That'll be my perspective on the hidden fullity of the relationship. And why? Welcome to the Rise with Me, where spiritual wisdom needs practical tools and short, bite-sized episodes. These are tasters, not deep dives, meant to spark curiosity, help you root deeply, ride freely, and remember who you truly are. Hello everyone. I haven't done a recommendations episode in a long time. And I recently drove to DC, which meant about 18 hours in the car all told, which finally gave me a chance to catch up on some podcasts I had bookmarked for myself to listen to. And I wanted to share a quick recommendation for two of them and then reflect on something that came up for me while listening. Next week, I'll share a third one that was super fun to listen to and gave me so many little nuggets that I can't wait to pass along. So for today, let's start with another armchair expert episode. I just love armchair. But this one was with Amir Levine, Levine, Levine, on attachment theory. And what I really loved about this conversation is how clearly it's discussing something that we all experience but don't necessarily pay attention to all that much, which is our patterns of attachment. You know, so when I say attachment, what I mean is the way we connect other people, especially in close relationships. You know, it's the lens through which we experience closeness, trust, intimacy, even conflict. You know, for some people, connection feels really natural and safe. But for others, it can bring up anxiety, like, you know, worrying about someone pulling away, rejection, abandonment, or the opposite, where, you know, closeness can feel overwhelming and can create a desire to shut down or actually create distance. And the thing is, these patterns, just like everything else, they aren't random. You know, they're shaped early on and they tend to play out in our adult relationships often without us realizing just how much they're impacting us. You know, our ability to attach in a healthy way is so essential. You know, good relationships are one of the biggest contributors to overall happiness and well-being. So understanding your own attachment style can be incredibly clarifying. It can help you make sense of patterns you've maybe been stuck in, you know, why you're drawn to certain people, why the same dynamics keep showing up, or why something that seems small can feel so big emotionally. So the guest on the podcast is this, you know, Dr. Amir Levine. And he's a psychiatrist, neuroscientist, and an author who uh like way back, I think in 2012 or so, wrote the book Attached, where he breaks down the main attachment styles in a really accessible way. But in this episode, he's talking about his new book, Secure, which is all about how to actually move toward feeling more secure in your relationships, which is, I think, you know, the part so many are really looking for. Because I mean, it's all great to know and understand your patterns of attachment, but really most of us want to move past the this is my pattern and into how do I shift it, which is where the real work and the freedom comes in. I have the book on order after listening to this podcast. I think it's gonna be really uh useful, but I'll report back after I read it whenever I eventually get to it. I've got a very large to be read pile, but it'll be there someday, and I'm sure I'll share with you when I get there. All right, moving on. The second episode I want to recommend is from Modern Wisdom, who which is hosted by Chris Williamson, who, believe it or not, originally got his start on Love Island, which, if you're not aware, is a pretty steamy reality TV show. Uh, he was a club promoter as well. Um, but I have to say, he is incredibly impressive. He is thoughtful, well informed. The conversations he brings onto his podcast are consistently interesting and insightful. It really feels like he's done the work to understand what he's talking about. And it shows in the depths of his interviews. So uh this is a perfect example of one of those like, don't judge a book by its first chapter. Uh so today I'm gonna share one episode and then actually the other episode I want to talk to you about next week, where there were so many good nuggets. Like, I can't wait to go through them with you. But today I want to talk about number, let's see, I think it was 1072 with Dr. Deborah Seau, why nobody is having sex anymore and why it matters. There were a lot of good nuggets in this conversation. So I do recommend you listen to it if you're curious about the current research. The stats she shares are eye-opening. You know, weekly partnered sex among adults has dropped from 55% in 1990 to about 37% now. And one in three men, one in five women report no sex at all in the past year. But the piece I want to pull out is how she touches on something I think about a lot, which is the impact of how we're talking about masculinity and femininity right now and what that's doing to our relationships. This is not the focus of the podcast she does on modern wisdom. So it's worthwhile to go and to check that out because there's a lot of just interesting facts about how society is now viewing sex and what is happening with intimacy, like in our culture. Uh, but it did really make me think about things, uh, especially as a parent raising a son and wondering about what messages he's absorbing about what it means to be a man. And underneath all of that, there's a deeper concept that feels really important to name. Not something that she talks about, but something I think about often, which is polarity. In this context, at its simplest, polarity is the idea that attraction, real, lasting attraction, comes from difference. You know, there needs to be some level of contrast between two people for there to be a spark. If everything becomes the same, something essential to intimacy can start to fade. And this isn't limited to just male, female, traditional heterosexual relationships. This shows up in all kinds of partnerships. Even in same-sex relationships, there's often a natural dynamic where one person leans more into a grounded, directive, traditionally masculine energy and the other into a more receptive, nurturing, you know, quote-unquote feminine energy. It's less about gender and more about the presence of complementary energies. What I see happening, I've experienced this in my own past relationships too. I hear about it all the time with clients and with friends, is that when we talk about kind of this masculine-feminine dynamic, about the man-woman dynamic, is that in a very well-intentioned effort to create equality, we've started to blur the differences in a way that isn't always serving connection. To be really clear, the progress we've made matters. Like women, we had to fight for the right to choose our lives, to work, to lead, to step outside traditional roles. And that absolutely needed to happen. I mean, I love owning my own business. I love the freedom, the impact, the way it lets me show up fully in the world. You know, being able to have a well-paying job completely shifted power dynamics. Women actually had the ability to begin walking away from abusive relationships, for instance, because they could support themselves. And also let's acknowledge that there is still work to do, you know, mansplaining, sexual harassment, equal pay, I mean, all still an issue. I'm not saying the work is done, nor am I saying that women need to get back in the kitchen. Okay. So that's not what's happening here. That's not what I'm pointing out. However, I do see a pattern that often happens when we step into something new. We tend to overshoot a bit before we find balance. And what I mean in these, this context is that instead of responsibilities being shared, what I see in a lot of relationships is that they've been stacked. Meaning, women are still carrying the majority of the emotional labor, the household management, the caregiving, the traditional, you know, female roles, as well as a full-time job on top, the more traditional male masculine role. You know, recent studies confirm this. Even in dual-income homes, women spend about twice as much time on housework and childcare, plus the invisible mental load of planning and worrying that research links straight to burnout and lower desire, which is the link here, this less desire for physical intimacy. Of course, there are exceptions, guys. I'm this is a generalization. But this pattern shows up enough that we all recognize it. This isn't news. This isn't like a surprise out of the blue concept. We all know that this exists. It's why there are so many jokes, memes, you know, not to mention the quiet conversations between women, talking to each other about how burnt out they feel, while men feel sidelined, physically ignored, you know, missing intimacy. There's a real disconnect here. You know, broadly speaking, many men tend to experience love, comfort, and reassurance through physical intimacy. Whereas many women need to feel emotionally supported, seen, and connected first before they can get to that physical intimacy, you know, desire. I actually did a full episode on this a while back, I think episode 51, uh, where I recommend another podcast, another armchair expert, I think, uh, that's talking about a book that goes much deeper into this dynamic. But for today, it's enough to just name the pattern we are all aware of, because you can see how quickly it becomes a vicious cycle. If the woman is exhausted, overwhelmed, carrying the weight of everything, feeling unseen, intimacy starts to feel like just one more thing on the to-do list. And as that happens, the man's needs for connection and reassurance aren't being met either. So in the end, no one is getting what they need. And both people walk away feeling unseen, just in different ways. And the root of all this is the part that's a little more uncomfortable to say. You know, in a lot of these dynamics, it's not just about what men are or aren't doing, which is what the emphasis seems to be on these days, right? It's all the man's fault, it's toxic masculinity. But what's true is that it's also about what we as women have taken on and what we haven't fully communicated? I catch myself in this too. I'm not pointing fingers, I am as guilty as anyone else. So let me ask you this how often have you caught yourself thinking, it's just easier if I do it myself? Or never mind, I'll just handle it on top of everything else? Or have you felt that quiet flicker of resentment when you both walked in the door at the same time after a long day, but you are the one who immediately shifts into, you know, making dinner, putting a load of wash in the laundry machine, starting your kid on his homework while you watch your partner take a seat on the couch and start scrolling on their phone. Here's where they get this gets interesting. Because if you are sitting there or walking, whatever, listening to this, and you're nodding your head thinking, that's me, that's me all the time. I so resonate with that. I would be very curious what your partner would say. There's a good chance they'd say, I never think that. What do you mean? That is the disconnect. And patterns like this are co-created. Dynamics like this, they don't just happen. It takes two to tango. It takes two people to create this kind of dynamic. So the part I really want us to sit with together is that, you know, we've been sold this narrative that men are the problem, that toxic masculinity is why everything feels off. But what if some of the tension we feel is also the natural result of us stepping so fully into provider energy, into masculine energy, out of strength, out of capabilities, yes, in some cases out of necessity. But what if we haven't fully recognized that it flattened some of the polarity that actually fuels lasting desire? You know, on a biological and psychological level, many of us are still wired to appreciate certain differences in one another, not in a way that limits us, but in a way that creates cohesion and symbiosis. You know, a lot of women, for example, deeply appreciate feeling safe and protected. Not because we're incapable of protecting ourselves, but because it allows us to soften. Because feminine energy enjoys being protected. You know, I can take self-defense classes and carry mace, but does that mean I would turn down a man walking me to my car in a dimly lit parking lot? Absolutely not. Pick up any romance novel, and even the ones with incredibly strong, capable, kick-ass women as the main character. Somehow her romantic interest is at least equally powerful, if not just a little more so. And a lot of men genuinely feel a sense of purpose in providing, protecting, or being needed in that way. It makes them feel good. It's their gift. And they often deeply appreciate being cared for in the way a nurturing feminine energy can offer. This should not be a bad thing to say. This should not be something to cause people to get up in arms against. It's an honoring of the wonderful gifts we have as individuals and as men, as women, as masculine and feminine energy. You know, and again, these are generalizations, but they resonate because there's some truth in them for many of us. You know, when those natural dynamics get flattened, like when we take on both the nurturing and the provider role, we can unintentionally lose some of the spark. So instead of trying to make everything perfectly equal in a way that makes us interchangeable, what if the goal was intentional balance? What if we got clearer about what we actually need, communicated it, and set better boundaries around what we are willing to carry? What if we honored the gifts of the masculine and feminine? Because here's the other uncomfortable truth. People tend to meet us at the level of what we allow and what we express. This is not about blaming men and it's not about shaming women. It's not about taking steps backward. It's about asking a more honest question in the spirit of authentic alignment and creating the kind of partnerships we really want. Just because we can do everything, does it actually serve us and our relationships to do so? I mean, I hate to call out one of my favorite all-time movies, Jurassic Park, but we have spent so much time figuring out if we could, we didn't stop to think if we should. So now that we're here, now that we as women have proved just how capable we are, just how much we can do, how do we move forward in partnerships that feel equal in value while still honoring and even treasuring our differences? I would love to hear your thoughts on this. This topic in particular makes me think of the um Robert Midman quote: unless you tell me what you're hearing, I cannot be certain of what I'm actually saying. So please, click the link in the show notes to message me and share your thoughts. I cannot wait to hear what you have to say. Have a great week, and remember, know who you are, love who you've been, and become who you are meant to be. Just a quick reminder this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist, and nothing shared here is meant to replace the guidance of a physician, therapist, or any other qualified provider. That said, I hope it inspires you to grow, heal, and seek the support you need to thrive.