Re-Release, Grief, And Resources

Hello everyone. This week's episode is a re-release, an oldie but goody from the very beginning of the podcast. My grandfather has passed away. And instead of pushing myself to create something new, I decided to give myself permission to take the time I need to grieve and process and be with family. And honestly, with so many new listeners joining recently, this feels like the perfect episode to bring back since nonviolent communication has been coming up everywhere lately with my private clients at the chakra retreat I led last weekend in the gratitude class I'm currently teaching. It is such a foundational tool for connection, both with ourselves and with others. So it feels good to bring it back front and center. I've also added some extra support for members over in Patreon, including a list of feelings and needs to help you begin practicing the NVC framework, learning how to clearly express what you're feeling, what you're needing, and what you're wanting. Keep listening to hear why this framework is so powerful. Or if you already feel like you understand the basics, check out episode 69, when please becomes pressure, understanding request versus demands and why it matters, or episode 60, the fifth chakra about unlocking authentic communication and self-expression. I'll link those in the show notes so you can find them easily. I'll be back next week with something new. Without further ado, the basics of nonviolent communication. Nonviolent communication has been around since the 60s, but it's recently having a little bit of a resurgence, likely because of the time we're living in and the desperate need for a way to talk about hard things in a productive way. So let's go over some nonviolent communication basics. So let's start with the why. Why would you want to learn about NBC? Do you ever feel misunderstood that what you say somehow doesn't reflect what you mean, especially when you're in conflict? Do you feel like you aren't getting your needs met in a personal or a professional relationship? Are you quick to anger, prone to outbursts that somehow fail to convey what's actually going on with you? Maybe you don't even know what's going on with you. Do you wish you had a way of communicating during an argument that actually helped you get what you're really wanting? The goal of nonviolent communication is that instead of like habitual automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on an awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. NVC was created in the 60s by this guy, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. He was a clinical psychologist, and it kind of originated with school integration projects, but developed into something much larger that Dr. Rosenberg shared worldwide. I mean, he worked with all sorts of people in conflict, everything from educators to mental health professionals to lawyers, the military, police and prison officials. I mean, his goal was to provide a powerful, useful, practical tool to help any opposing factions, whether it's like professional or personal, uh, global, military, any of it, to find peace. He said, What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart. So today I thought we should begin by just kind of doing a general overview. We could do an entire episode on each of the four foundational components of nonviolent communication, uh, because there's a lot to them. But today we're just gonna do broad strokes to get us started. Okay, so the first foundational element is observation, learning how to observe without judgment. This is so hard. You know, we want to be able to detail the concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being. What are we observing others saying or doing that's either enriching or not enriching our life? But the trick, the really tricky part of this is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation, just the facts. This is super hard. So often we don't even recognize that what we're saying is an evaluation or a judgment. I mean, sometimes we know, sometimes that's kind of clear, right? But so often we think we're saying an observation when really there is judgment kind of laced into it. So this practice, in and of itself, of just being able to make an observation without kind of coloring it with judgment, like that's a big ask. That's a big starting point. It's a big task just in and of itself. But there are three more parts, so let's keep going. The next is to be able to articulate our feelings, how we feel in relation to what we observe. I mean, this is part of the tricky part of observation. Sometimes we start kind of layering in how we feel as opposed to just keeping it a blanket observation. You know, we might feel scared, hurt, amused, irritated. Um, you know, detailing what we're feeling, it sounds simple, but it really isn't. Uh Brene Brown's research says that there are, I think it's something like 87 emotions or experiences that define what it is to be human, but most people can only name three: glad, sad, mad. So you may need to start with simply being able to identify more than just a handful of emotions. Google feelings wheel, and you'll have a great resource to help you get started on pinning down what you might be feeling. The third component of NVC is being able to recognize the needs that create our feelings. What needs of ours are connected to the feelings we've identified? Because if we express our needs, we have a better chance of them being met. I know that sounds like kind of a duh statement, but so often we don't express our needs. We expect our partners, our friends, the people in our world to just know telepathically what we need. Uh, but that's not true. And so we need to be able to express what our needs are. That said, we also need to understand that the person we are expressing them to may or may not be able to meet the need. But before we go down that rabbit hole, just know that there are lots of different ways that you can categorize needs. I tend to like using the framework of the chakras because I work with them all the time. But again, you can just Google like NVC universal needs and they'll pop up. You'll get a list of them. And I mean, you know them in a basic way, right? We have a need for safety and security. We have a need for fun, for play, for sex. We have a need for love. We have a need for knowledge, a need to connect to something bigger than ourselves. I mean, the there's a whole bunch of needs out there. Um, so it would be useful for you to look them up and kind of see, you know, which ones of these am I familiar with? Which ones, do I not really, you know, kind of think about all that often? It's a good place for you to play. You know, the important thing both with the needs and the emotions list is that you come up with words or categories that really resonate for you. So that when you're in the middle of it and like in the middle of a conflict, I mean, and you're trying to figure out what to say, you're trying to think and communicate in this kind of new framework of NVC, that, you know, it's easier for you to connect to the words. Uh Rosenberg talks about clients of his literally putting post-it notes like all around the house to remind them of the different emotions they tend to have because they don't process well in the moment, along with the underlying needs that tend to create those emotions so that when they escalated, they had the words right there to look at. I'm feeling angry because I'm needing appreciation. Can you please give me a hug and reassure me that I'm doing a good job? Uh, and that example gives us the last bit, the fourth component, which is cultivating our ability to request the concrete action we desire in order to better the situation or enrich our lives. You know, please hug me and give me reassurance. The big distinction here is between a request and a demand. This is another thing, another element that we could get in the weeds with right now, um, which would take way too long. So for the moment, all you need to know is that whether something is a request or demand is only known based on how the requester responds if the requestee says no. In my example, if I asked for a hug and reassurance and my husband said no, and I fly off the hand double about like what a jerky is, well, then it wasn't a request. It was a demand. It was a demand that he do those things for me. You know, when people comply with what we want because they feel they have to, no one wins. We will experience diminished goodwill for them and they pay emotionally. There's resentment and decreased self-esteem. Um, and you know, this is not really what we want from our loved ones. We don't want them to do things for us out of obligation. It's that line from that movie, um, the breakup with Jennifer Aniston and is it Vince Vaughn? But the movie The Breakup, she says, you know, I want you to want to do the dishes. And it's not that she's saying that, like, she expects him to really actually want to do the dishes, because no one really like gets excited about doing the dishes. That's not what she's saying. She's saying she wants him to want to help her, to want to take care of her, to want to participate, to want to be her partner. And in this particular instance, that could be demonstrated by him doing the dishes. One of the things I love about the book, Nonviolent Communication by Dr. Rosenberg, which I'll link in the show notes, is that he gives so many examples like this to help you really understand what he's trying to get you to do. You know, one of these examples that he gives that I loved was that of like a the staff and the principal at an elementary school not working well together. And one of the biggest gripes was how staff meetings tended to go. When asked what the problem was, a staffer said the principal, quote unquote, had a big mouth. So that's clearly a judgment. Uh doesn't actually say what the principal was doing. You know, follow-up, okay, say more. Like, what do you mean? The principal talks too much, still evaluating. Uh again, you know, okay, he thinks only he has anything worth saying. Again, this is an evaluation. Uh, he wants to be the center of attention, evaluation. You know, what it ended up boiling down to is that the principal liked to tell stories that would run the meeting over. So what Dr. Rosenberg did was help the staff be able to articulate the actual observation, how it made them feel, what need was being ignored, and the actual request they had. So what they actually needed to say was not judgments like you've got a big mouth, but saying, when you tell a lot of stories that make the meeting run 20 minutes late, we feel annoyed because we need to get home to our families. Can you please find a way to end on time? You know, one quick note it's important to be specific when you're making an observation. If you're using the words always or never, you tend to be exaggerating because it's almost never a real never. You know, when we say words like that, we provoke defensiveness when what we're looking to do is explain the need we have that isn't getting met. You know, people are far more likely to want to do what you're requesting if they feel like they're helping you versus defending themselves. And by the way, they are helping you. This isn't lip service, that's not manipulation. You know, nonviolent communication gives you the mechanism by which you are far more likely to get your needs actually met, not through passive aggressiveness or even outright aggression, but by giving you language to be vulnerable and honest about what you're needing and wanting. I mean, there's a difference, and that example with the um principal and the staff, there's a difference between saying, man, you are so egotistical, you never shut up, you know, I'm so annoyed, I'm so frustrated, you know, because you just can't seem to um, you know, respect my time. There's a difference between wording it that way and saying simply it's really tough for me when the meetings run over because I feel this pull, this tension between being present for the meeting, but knowing that my family had an expectation for me to get home at a certain time and they really need me to get home then. I mean, what do you think? Who which one is that principle going to be more likely to want to change for? So, you know, when we express needs through evaluations or interpretations, they're almost always heard as criticism, which is self-defeating because self-defense and counterattack is the natural response. So we need to just try, just try to be able to connect to the needs and the emotions and express those in order to get what we want. So maybe you're thinking this sounds like a lot and that it's complicated. And you know what? You're right, it is. We don't talk this way, we don't pause easily, especially when we're in conflict, to, you know, in the moment try to suss out what we're observing, what we're feeling, what we're needing, what we're actually wanting. It's a lot. So I have two recommendations. Um, the first is to just read the book. It's great, so many examples, it's really well done. Uh, just start there. Secondly, you can start putting it into action by learning how to express appreciation the nonviolent communication way. So here's how you say thank you. Number one, this is what you did. Bring to the other person's attention exactly what they did that made your life so much better. Step two, this is what I feel. Say how you feel because of what they did. And step three, this is the need of mine that was met. Express what need of yours was fulfilled. Now, are you going to do this when someone like opens the door for you? Of course not. But truly look for any excuse. You know, the example I always give is of the time my husband bought me plants. Um, I know it sounds silly, but I had moved from living on a lake in rural New England to living in an apartment complex behind a Whole Foods in suburban Sprawl, South Carolina. It was a big adjustment for me, to say the least. And the first time I went back home, I called my husband, uh boyfriend at the time, crying my eyes out, saying that when I got back, we just had to get some plants. The concrete jungle was killing me. Well, imagine my surprise when I walked in after my trip, only to find plants all over our apartment. Big, beautiful green plants. It's still one of my most treasured memories because, you know, he took the time to go to a nice nursery to talk with a nice lady who helped him pick out the perfect things for, you know, our apartment. Uh, you know, he bought them for me, he set them up so that I would have them the moment I got home. It made me feel so loved that he would go to all that effort. My need for security was met because it helped solidify this trust that if I expressed unhappiness, even over something little, he would go out of his way to make sure the situation was rectified. You know, this is a small thing. I could have just said, like, oh, thanks, and left it at that. But taking the time to think about it, to articulate why it was so meaningful, it isn't just about making sure someone knows you appreciate them. It's also about growing the gratitude within yourself. Gratitude is the gateway to joy and abundance. So any chance you have to augment it within yourself and to make it a little stronger, a little more vivid for someone else, do it. All right, that is more than enough for now. This was a long episode. Uh, play with Giving Thanks, the NVC way, get the book, start to investigate your awareness of needs and emotions. You know, we all need to be the best communicators we can be, capable of speaking from and listening with the heart. This is a great place to start. If you enjoyed today's episode, make sure you hit follow. I hope you have a great rest of your day, and remember, know who you are, love who you've been, and be willing to do the work to become who you want to be. Just a quick reminder this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist, and nothing shared here is meant to replace the guidance of a physician, therapist, or any other qualified provider. That said, I hope it inspires you to grow, heal, and seek the support you need to thrive.