A Loss That Triggers Regret

These are tasters, not deep dives meant to spark curiosity, help you read deeply, rise freely, and remember, we truly are. I'm going to start with a little backstory here. Bear with me. You know how some people joke about having a work wife or a work husband? About 10 years ago, I had a work brother. Before I had my son, in a different stage of life, I loved to quilt. I was lucky enough to have one of the best quilt stores in the country right down the street, and I worked there for about, I don't know, five years. The whole time there was this guy, 10 years younger, same age as my actual brother, and we spent hours together organizing fabric, helping clients, baking out fabrics for projects he wanted me to make. We talked about everything from big philosophical questions to music to what was good on TV. We tried to figure out what it meant to live a good life, and we agreed on so much despite the age gap. I was determined to expose him to more culture. So I took him to the theater, plays, and musicals. He was determined for me to have a quote unquote real concert experience. So he got us these amazing tickets to see Eric Church in Boston. I moved about 10 years ago, and as often happens, we lost touch. But I thought of him often. You know, he was actually just on my mind because I just went to another Eric Church concert and I almost texted him. But then I thought maybe it would be weird after all this time. So I didn't. About a week after the concert, I was randomly scrolling Facebook and I saw a post on his page. R.I.P. And I mean, really, it just knocked the breath out of my lungs. You know, I immediately started scrolling, looking for any sign that it wasn't real, that it wasn't a joke. I started to like question maybe this isn't, maybe this isn't the right person. But all I found was confirmation that he had passed. And it just completely took me by surprise. And it made me think a lot about regret. Yeah, I teach at a continuing education center, uh, this really wonderful place. I mean, it it is filled with uh retirees who are so engaged and curious. And when I look at them, you know, I see people who are still very much in the prime of their lives. You know, they aren't wasting away, their lives aren't over or boring. They're out, they're learning, they're still so present with themselves in their lives. I just, I love teaching there. And I teach on all the topics this podcast is about, you know, things like how to forgive, how to grow, how to live our most authentic and meaningful life. And in these classes, I mean, I learn as much from them as hopefully they do from me. You know, we talk a lot about life, about what's gone wrong, what's gone right. And regrets come up fairly often. I think it's a natural part of being human to look back and to try to make meaning, to understand why we've acted in ways we wish we hadn't, to understand why other people have treated us the way they have. We are meaning makers, and to do that, we typically have to look back. And regret is often part of that. All the the shoulds. And having this little brother of mine pass has made me think about that even more. You know, and it reminded me of something I came across a few years ago. It's a book called The Power of Regret by Daniel Pink. Now, I didn't actually read the book, but I heard him talk about it on an armchair expert uh podcast, which I'll link in the show notes. And it still stuck with me these years later because he challenged this idea that no regrets should be the goal. That regret is actually a necessary part of life. It's not a problem, it's feedback. Just like I always talk about with emotions, like our emotions, it's kind of a reverse blueprint of what matters most to us. So he surveyed over 15,000 people across more than 100 countries and identified four what he called core regrets. And that's what I want to share with you today. First up, we have connection regrets, losing touch, relationships that drift or break. This is exactly what I've been experiencing, this deep regret that I fell out of touch with my work, little brother. And actually, another friend just popped into my mind while I was uh prepping this and I stopped and I immediately texted him. Because one of the things I remember Daniel Pink talking about is how we hold back from reaching out because it feels vulnerable. Is this person going to be upset that I haven't reached out sooner? What if they don't respond? Will I feel rejected? What if it's awkward? I mean, there's a lot of understandable reasons why we hesitate. But think about it from the other side, from being the recipient of that branch being extended. Think about how you would feel if someone you lost touch with, say from college, reached out to you out of the blue. What would your reaction be? Would you be mad, upset, annoyed, or would a smile cross your face? Would it feel good to be thought of? Now, of course, there are extenuating circumstances. I mean, how the relationship ended matters. If it ended in conflict, that is very different from it just quietly drifting apart. But most of the time, when it's that gradual fade, I think many of us would simply love to hear from that person. It doesn't mean you're going to become best friends again or even that you'll do more than have a quick catch-up, but still, does someone come to mind right now, someone you wish you hadn't lost touch with? Ask yourself, where have I let distance grow? And what might it look like to reach toward connection now? What might there be to gain? Next, we've got moral regrets, the immoral choices we've made. Ugh, these are hard. You know, in relationships, this could be everything from speaking harshly to someone you love and never fully repairing it all the way to cheating on someone. My moral regret falls in this category, unfortunately. There's this one particular instance from high school. I was dating this really sweet guy senior year. He treated me so well. I don't think we had really stated that we were exclusive, but it was pretty implied. And right at the end of the year, I fooled around with someone else because not doing so sooner had been a regret of mine. Like this was one of those endless crush, finely fulfilled moments. But in doing that, I really hurt someone who did not deserve it. And I knew it at the time, but God, I was a teenager. I just couldn't help myself. I could have handled it so much better. And I still sometimes wish I could like bump into him and just apologize profusely for being such a jerk. I avoided one regret only to give myself another. The mistakes we make when we're young, right? Let's see. Moral regrets could also be self-betrayal, saying yes when you meant no, or staying silent when something didn't feel right. From a responsibility perspective, it might look like taking credit for something you didn't do, cutting corners, or not giving your full effort when it mattered, prioritizing success, money, or image over what felt right. Maybe it's failing to show up for someone who needed you, or judging someone harshly without really understanding their situation. You know, moral regrets, though, they're not about being a bad person. They're about moments when we went against our own inner compass. And the reason they stay with us is because they point so clearly to our values. Guilt as an emotion is often just highlighting when we've acted out of alignment, and we can judge ourselves pretty harshly for that. So ask yourself, where did I act out of alignment with my values? And what does that show me about who I want to be? Next up, we have boldness regrets, the chances we didn't take. I feel like these sting. Mine is actually one of the most common. I didn't study abroad in college. I stayed back because of a boy. You know, looking back now, I kind of want to smack myself for that one, but you know what you're gonna do? We do this all the time. We say later for so long that the opportunity passes. And as we get older, it can get harder and harder to step out of our comfort zones. The fear of the unknown keeps us rooted in the familiar. Other examples might look like staying in a safe but unfulfilling job instead of exploring something more aligned, not starting the business, the project, or the creative idea you keep thinking about, choosing the practical path over the one that actually lights you up. In relationships, it's so common. You know, not telling someone how you feel, not taking a chance on love because of fear of rejection. Which brings us to authenticity. You know, it takes courage to be fully yourself. How often do we play small to avoid judgment or criticism or hide parts of who we are to fit in or be accepted? We wait for confidence instead of acting with uncertainty. We overthink to the point of inaction. We choose the familiar hell over the unfamiliar heaven, both consciously and unconsciously, again and again. Boldness regrets aren't usually about what we did wrong. They're about what we didn't allow ourselves to do. The moments where something in us wanted to move forward and fear said no. So you can ask yourself, where did I hold back? And what might have been possible if I had trusted myself? What did I need in that moment to feel safe enough to say yes? And lastly, according to Daniel Pink, are what he calls foundation regrets. These are the failures of responsibility or stability, the things we didn't build early on. Finish the sentence, if only I had just fill in the blank sooner. Or why did I wait so long to whatever? From a practical standpoint, maybe it's not saving money when you had it or accumulating debt without really paying attention. Often it's about our health, ignoring your body's signals for too long, letting stress spill to the point of a breakdown, putting off checkups, not creating supportive daily or weekly routines. Or maybe it's about career, you know, like not finishing a degree or a certification you started, or not developing skills that would have opened doors for you. Anytime you chose short-term ease over long-term development. This can apply to relationships too, you know, not showing up reliably for the people who matter, not doing the work to heal patterns that slowly erode connection. Anytime you've told yourself, I'll deal with it later repeatedly, and then one day the person walks away and you realize you missed your chance. You didn't lay the foundation, you didn't consistently put in the effort. And over time, things just fell apart. This happens more often than we'd like to admit, especially in marriage. Foundation regrets are rarely about one big moment. They're about the small choices that compound over time, typically not because we didn't care, but often because we didn't see yet how much it would matter. When I had my fitness business, I used to give out Christmas gifts. And I think the very first year, it was a coffee mug that said, Do one thing today your future self will thank you for. This is such a good concept to keep in mind, especially in regards to foundation regrets. So, what could you add in today that your future self will thank you for? And you can also look back and ask, where in my life did I avoid laying a foundation? And what is that asking me to do now moving forward? What have I learned? For me, I'm gonna go with fitness routines. You know, for so long in my youth, I didn't have to create one because I was teaching it. You know, my fitness healthcare routine was built into my work. But when I had my son and stopped teaching, it just disappeared. And that's a regret. But it's also something I can change. And speaking of change, speaking of fixing things, what do we do about regret? Well, Daniel Pink suggests a three-step process for transforming regret into growth. One, practice self-compassion, two, disclose and reflect on regrets to gain perspective, and three, extract lessons to guide future decisions. I don't have much to add to that. It's pretty straightforward, but that doesn't make it easy. I'll have to do an episode on self-compassion soon, I think, because of those three, self-compassion, I think, can sometimes be the hardest part. What I do want to pull out as we finish up is this these regrets map almost exactly to deeper human needs. Foundation regrets, all about safety and stability. Boldness connects to our need for growth and meaning. Moral regrets are about integrity and authenticity, and they often overlap with connection regrets, which speak to our need for love and belonging. So I want you to ask yourself: which of these four areas does your current regret point toward? And what does that reveal about what your life is asking for now? Members, I have a guided contemplation waiting for you on Patreon to help you more deeply explore regret as guidance. I've got one last little bonus point to make, definitely not as important as the others, but worth mentioning because it's connected to joy. The regret of not using the nice things. I know this sounds a little silly, but how often do you not wear your favorite shirt or use the china or light the nice candle? There's always a reason. You know, it might break, what if I lose an earring, some other excuse. But using these things brings joy. And we all need more joy in our lives. When I first started dating my husband and going over to his parents' house, I noticed his mom used this really beautiful uh China sugar bowl. And she mentioned that it had been her grandmother's. And I had this little flash like I have my mother's china. It's a pattern I love. And I never used it. Now, using china for everyday plates doesn't make a whole lot of sense because you have to hand wash it. But a sugar bowl, why not use the sugar bowl? And ever since I have, every day, and it still brings me joy. So this is my little add-on suggestion to you. Don't wait. Use the china and create some joy for yourself. Do the thing that scares you. It is never too late to start the fitness routine or begin acting with more integrity. And send the text. Reach out to that person you've been thinking of. You know how when I started this, I said as I was writing it and preparing, I thought of a friend and I and I shot them a text because this lesson is so fresh in my mind. Uh well, as I was finishing up prep for this episode, they texted me back and we've got a catch-up call scheduled for later this week. Do that. Gift yourself that. Learn from the things you regret now so that maybe you prevent yourself from creating more regret in the future. Thanks so much for listening today. I hope this helps you think about regret in a different light and maybe give you some clarity on what you want to do now that your future self will thank you for. In this episode, I mentioned a guided contemplation for members. If you're curious what that means, I offer a membership through Patreon that includes show notes, reflective prompts, guided meditations, and other resources to help you integrate the episode on a deeper, more embodied level. You can learn more by clicking the link in the show notes and get seven days to check things out for free. Also, I wanted to mention that I'm going to switch to releasing new episodes on Wednesdays. Turns out that's when most of you tune in anyway, and it's way easier on my schedule. So that change will go into effect next week. I hope you have a wonderful week. And remember, know who you are, love who you've been, and be willing to do the work to become who you are meant. Just a quick reminder this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist, and nothing shared here is meant to replace the guidance of a physician, therapist, or any other qualified provider. That said, I hope it inspires you to grow, heal, and seek the support you need to thrive.