Why Feedback Can Sting

Have you ever gotten a little bit starting to do that? We're talking about how to deep credit. Why some people struggle so deeply to receive feedback? And what to do about it. Next week, we'll talk about the other side of that. How to give feedback and the way people can actually receive. Welcome to Rives, we're spiritual, practical tools, short bike-sided episodes. Help you read deeply, rise freely, and then freely. I started thinking about criticism versus feedback last week because I was teaching a workshop and I had someone come up to me during the break and tell me I was talking way too fast, that it was difficult to keep up, and I needed to slow down. I joked about how it was my New England coming out, and I told her I would do my best to slow down in the second half. Now, I teach all the time, every week, at least one class, if not two. And I like to think I'm pretty good at it. I mean, people keep signing up, so I can't be horrible. But here was someone giving me this feedback. And as I got back to teaching, I very intentionally slowed myself down. After the class, I bumped into her and I asked her if it was better, and she said yes, which was good because the first half was torture. I laughed, but then I thought about it often on the rest of the day, mainly because I was surprised that it wasn't bothering me. I kept waiting for it too, because there was a time in my life I would have obsessed about this for days. Wondered if other people felt the same way, you know, started criticizing myself for not noticing it sooner. Sound familiar? You know, some of us only ever hear criticism, not feedback. So what's the difference? Criticism tends to focus on what is wrong with the person rather than what could be improved in the situation or the behavior. It often feels blaming, shaming, generalized, or emotionally charged. It usually attacks character or identity. It focuses on faults without offering support or direction. It uses absolutes like always or never. And it tends to create defensiveness, shame, or shutdown. It sounds like you are so disorganized, you never listen. That was terrible. You clearly don't care. The underlying message often feels like something is wrong with you. Whereas feedback is information. It's intended to help someone grow, improve, understand, or adjust their behavior. Healthy feedback is specific, it's actionable, and it's focused on behaviors rather than identity. It usually focuses on observable actions or outcomes. It is very specific. It comes with curiosity or care. It leaves room for change, for growth. Examples like, would you mind talking a little slower? You're going too fast for me to be able to interpret the information. Things like, I noticed the deadline was missed and it created stress for the team. I felt unheard when I was interrupted several times. The underlying message often feels like I believe improvement or understanding is possible. We can work through this. To put it more simply, criticism says, you are the problem. It tears us down. Feedback says this can be adjusted. It helps us grow. Now, that does not always mean that feedback feels good. Honest feedback can still be very uncomfortable. But constructive feedback tends to leave people feeling clearer and more empowered rather than diminished or attacked. Feedback is not proof that you are failing. Sometimes it's simply information that's there to help you become more aligned, aware, and connected, better at whatever it is you're doing. But here's the thing: technically, what I got from that student of mine was feedback. It was specific. It was actionable. It was said nicely. But whether or not I received it as feedback or criticism, well, that's all up to me. That's all up to how my mind, my emotions, my nervous system responded. So let's talk about why even good feedback sometimes feels like criticism. So, first of all, the way we interpret feedback has very little to do with words alone. You know, feedback is not just heard through the mind, it's heard through the nervous system, which is probably one of the most important points I want you to understand. You know, when someone receives feedback, they're not just intellectually processing words. Their body is also asking, am I safe? Am I accepted? Am I loved? Am I failing? Am I about to be rejected? All of that is happening on so many different levels. And for people with unresolved shame who experienced chronic criticism in childhood, uh, who are perfectionists, uh, have some sort of trauma in their past, grew up in emotionally unsafe environments, feedback can immediately trigger a sympathetic nervous system response. So we can have that fight, that arguing, that defensiveness. We can experience flight where we just want to avoid and shut down. We can freeze, go into overwhelm and have our minds go blank, or we can fawn, we can move into people-pleasing and kind of collapse into whatever the other person wants or is saying or is believing. So even neutral feedback can feel dangerous, especially if we spent our childhoods only ever being criticized. And that's my second point. You know, some people were only ever given feedback that was actually criticism. Many people grew up in environments where mistakes meant humiliation, love was conditional, correction only ever came with anger. Nothing was ever good enough where they were constantly being evaluated. So later in life, any suggestion for improvement automatically feels like reinforcement of an already instilled program that tells them, I'm bad. They don't hear this is a learning or a growth opportunity for me. They hear, I'm a failure, there's something wrong with me. And this is so important to understand, especially if you have someone in your life who tends to have a really hard time taking feedback from you, lovingly said feedback, they hear it as a personal attack. You need to understand they might not be overreacting randomly. Their nervous system learned that correction equals pain. They might not have ever learned that there's a distinction between I did something wrong and I am wrong. That difference may sound small, but psychologically it changes everything, which is my third point. Emotionally healthy people can separate behavior from identity, but shame collapses those together. We've talked about this before. Healthy processing that tells us, oh, that behavior didn't work out well. That's good. That's what we want to think. The shame-based processing says, oh, that behavior didn't work because I am a failure. I am inadequate. I am unlovable. This is why even tiny feedback can create disproportionate emotional reactions. Fourth point any perfectionists out there? Perfectionism makes feedback feel intolerable. For many people, disappointing others once led to pain, criticism, rejection, humiliation, or withdrawal or withholding of love. So the nervous system learned to brace against anything that might feel like you did something wrong. And often that shows up as defensiveness. Now we tend to read defensiveness as avoidance or manipulation, intentional cruelty, passive aggressiveness. And sure, sometimes it is those things. But often it's actually a nervous system trying to protect a fragile sense of worth. And here's the really important part: people who struggle the most with feedback are often already incredibly hard on themselves. Not everyone, but a lot of us. You know, that external comment simply lands on top of an inner critic that's already saying, you should be better. You mess that up. You are not enough. So the reaction usually isn't just about that one moment. It's cumulative. The goal isn't to become someone who never makes mistakes. The goal is to stop equating mistakes with worthlessness, to deeply understand that mistakes are part of being human and often the very thing that actually creates growth and self-awareness, humility and change. I'm going to read a Neil Gain quote that I remind myself at the start of every new year. I post it on my Facebook feed, Jan 1, every year, because that's when he wrote it however many years ago. And this is what he said. I hope that in this year to come you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before. And more importantly, you are doing something. So that's my wish for you and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make new mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough or it isn't perfect. Whatever it is, art or love or work or family or life. What it is you're scared of doing, you do it. Make your mistakes next year and forever. I just love that. I love all of his writing, really. But mistakes are how we grow. And often it's the work of a lifetime for us to learn how to love ourselves when we've made them. Perfectionism is often self-protection disguised as high standards. Somewhere along the way, many perfectionists unconsciously learned if I do everything right, I'll be safe, loved, accepted, worthy. So feedback doesn't just feel like information, it feels like evidence of failure. We could, and we probably will, do a whole episode on perfectionism some other time. But for now, just recognize this. If your entire identity is built around doing everything perfectly, think about how vulnerable that makes you. Because do you know anyone who is perfect a hundred percent of the time? I certainly don't. Okay, moving on. My fifth point is that while everything we've talked about already is true, it's also true that sometimes what you're getting really is criticism. Some people will tell you they are giving you feedback when really they are criticizing or judging. As I've said before, the key distinction here is whether or not they are seeking understanding or giving you very actionable ways to improve, or if they are trying to control, blame, or exert their superiority over you. Tone, timing, delivery, all these things still matter. People can be very hurtful when they use sarcasm, correct you in public, get passive aggressive. And my personal favorite, the brutal honesty tactic, the I'm only telling you this because I care about you, and then they proceed to like eviscerate you with their comments. Or what about the never-ending flow version, where they might be saying things nicely, but it just never ends. Every single thing you're doing could be done just a little bit better. Even in healthy people who are very confident and don't have self-esteem issues, that kind of constant nitpicking can make anyone snap and it can wear us down. You know, part of the reason why all of this is so tricky is that both feedback and criticism can make us uncomfortable, which is something we want to acknowledge. It doesn't really feel great to have someone tell you that you could be doing something better, even if it's done kindly and respectfully. You know, not many people enjoy getting feedback. I was talking about this with my husband, and he joked that he hears feedback and he tends to swat it away like a fly. Eventually it lands, but he kind of pushes it aside a few times first. Now, here's the invitation. If you are realizing that maybe you do tend to hear criticism even when people are offering you feedback, it's time to recognize a couple things. First of all, receiving feedback well does not mean never getting hurt or having no feelings about whatever the comment is. You're human. And it also doesn't mean you have to agree with every piece of feedback you receive. Sometimes the feedback simply isn't accurate. I actually used the example of talking too fast in a workshop I taught the following week. And it turned out someone there had attended that original class where I'd received that feedback, and they immediately said, Really? Your pace was completely fine. In retrospect, I probably was talking a little fast, but maybe not as much as I initially thought. And that's my point. Learning how to receive feedback means staying curious and using discernment to decide whether something useful exists inside that message. Learning how to pause before reacting, learning how to regulate the nervous system, especially when you realize you are starting to have a negative or overblown reaction. Learning how to separate intent from impact. Winning here is not never feeling defensive. It's learning not to let defensiveness drive the conversation. So receiving feedback well might sound like, ooh, part of me feels really defensive hearing that, but let me think about what you're saying. Can you explain more what you meant when you said fill in the blank? Or something like, I don't fully agree with all of it, but I can see the part of what you're saying that's true. Or even, I need a little time to process this before responding and giving yourself that pause. But this can be hard because sometimes we reject feedback because it threatens a story we have about ourselves. Meaning many of us have beliefs about the kind of person we are, that we are helpful, kind, intelligent, spiritual, competent, self-aware, a good presenter. Feedback that contradicts who we think we are can feel destabilizing. Like me, you know, I'm a good presenter, but wait, someone has told me now that I talk too fast. Am I really as good as I think I am? Or the person who sees themselves as deeply compassionate, being told that they were insensitive. Or the person who has spent years on the inner growth path who has someone tell them that they aren't as self-aware as they think they are. If you see yourself as deeply caring, hearing that you hurt someone may feel unbearable because it conflicts with who you believe you are. And what does that lead to? Defensiveness, overexplaining, minimizing, counter-attacking, victimizing ourselves. So what do you do? And as always, the answer is get curious. It is a superpower. I'll link my episode about that in the show notes. The next time someone gives you feedback or criticizes you and you feel yourself getting activated, I want you to ask yourself these questions. What part of this feels painful? Am I hearing attack where there may only be information? What specifically feels threatening? Is this touching or activating an older wound? Or can I separate discomfort from danger? What I want you to remember is that being able to receive feedback and even criticism in a healthy way does not mean endlessly fixing yourself, tolerating mistreatment, or abandoning discernment. It means developing enough internal safety that you can get curious, reflect, adjust, repair, and grow without collapsing into shame. Please remember that this is not something most people are born knowing how to do. It's something we develop as we build inner safety, self-worth, nervous system regulation, and compassion for ourselves. And sometimes the greatest shift is realizing that being corrected does not mean being rejected. And the more secure we become within ourselves, the less every moment of feedback has to feel like a threat to our worth. Thank you so much for listening. I hope this helped you get more clear on feedback versus criticism and helped you think about ways you can better receive either. If you're curious to take this deeper, I offer a membership through Patreon that includes show notes, reflective prompts, guided meditations, and other resources to help you integrate the episode on a deeper, more embodied level. You can learn more by clicking the link in the show notes and get seven days to check things out for free. I hope you have a wonderful week. And remember, know who you are, love who you've been, and be willing to do the work to become who you are meant to be. Just a quick reminder this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist, and nothing shared here is meant to replace the guidance of a physician, therapist, or any other qualified provider. That said, I hope it inspires you to grow, heal, and seek the support you need to thrive.