The Four Steps Of NVC

When “Honesty” Is Actually Harm

Timing, Tone, And Self Regulation

Repair After You Miss The Mark

Worksheet, Membership, And Closing

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Welcome to the prize with me. We're the bearish with the ice eye. In last week's episode, we talked about why feedback can feel so threatening, why some people become defensive, and how shame and perfectionism can distort perception. We explored how feedback so often feels like criticism, the key distinction being that criticism tends to focus on the person, on what they did wrong, while feedback focuses on actionable, useful ways someone can grow or do something differently. So today I want to build on that conversation by exploring the other side of the equation. If feedback is this vulnerable and difficult for humans to receive, how do we actually communicate honestly without immediately activating someone's nervous system? And what do we need to keep in mind as we try to give someone kind, useful, honest feedback? Because so often when we give feedback, people get upset, they get triggered, and usually they're not reacting only to the content of what's being said in that moment. They're reacting to shame, perceived rejection, fears of being bad were not enough. Maybe they're just having a knee-jerk reaction to feeling controlled, misunderstood, unsafe, powerless, or exposed. We talked about all of this last week. You know, remember that this isn't just emotional, it's physiological too. The nervous system shifts into defense. The body tightens, the thinking parts of the brain start going offline. We stop listening in order to protect ourselves. So if feedback often feels like a threat for so many of us, then the way feedback is delivered matters enormously. Effective feedback isn't just about being nice, it's about being mindful enough to help the other person's nervous system stay regulated enough to remain open. So, of course, I am returning to nonviolent communication because this framework gives us such a clear direction for how to communicate things in a way they actually have the greatest likelihood of being received. You know, NVC, it is not about being passive or avoiding honesty or suppressing your feelings. And it is definitely not about never upsetting anyone when you share something difficult. Because let's be real, even those of us who have done an incredible amount of work still get triggered and hurt sometimes. I think there's a bit of toxic positivity out there that suggests healthy communication means never making anyone uncomfortable. But honest communication is sometimes uncomfortable, both for the person giving it and the person receiving it. I still have an incredibly hard time telling someone they've hurt me or that I'm unhappy about something that's happened or some aspect of the relationship. I get tongue-tied, petrified that I am going to say the wrong thing and they're going to leave me. I mean, it's it's much better now than it was a few years ago, but that still exists. That's still a fear. And I know that I am not alone in this. A lot of people aren't poor communicators because they don't care. They struggle because somewhere buried underneath, there's fear. There's fear of conflict, fear of abandonment, fear that honesty is going to cost them connection. I mean, for me, it used to be that I just wouldn't say anything or I would lie until eventually the truth would come out in ways that were wholly unproductive and hurtful. And then I learned to at least start sharing. But I mean, I still have to gear myself up to do it. I still think it through, you know, one to a million times first beforehand, because I I, especially with the people I care about the most, the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt them. But it's inevitable sometimes. So I bumble through it as best I can. I try to use nonviolent communication because I know it's going to give me the best chance of actually achieving my goal, which is being honest without attacking or, you know, becoming passive aggressive, keeping my boundaries strong without punishing or shaming the other person. It's to be clear and not cruel. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. So how do you do that? Let's review the NVC framework. The first part is learning how to make observations without evaluations, which is hard. We are hardwired to judge it's a safety thing. But when feedback sounds judgmental, what happens? I mean, take you, just think about it. When someone gives you a piece of feedback that sounds really judgy, what happens? You get defensive. So we have to practice stating what we are observing, not our interpretation of what we're observing. So we don't say you're inconsiderate. We say, when you interrupted me several times during dinner, you're talking about the same situation. But when you mix observation with interpretation and accusations, communication tends to break down and people naturally become defensive. So let's run through a few examples. Not you never listen, but when I was sharing earlier and you looked at your phone while I was talking, I felt disconnected. Not you're selfish, but I've noticed lately that I've been carrying most of the household responsibilities and I'm starting to feel really overwhelmed. Not you're manipulative, but when the conversation shifts toward guilt or threats of leaving whenever conflict comes up, I feel anxious and shut down. Not you don't care, but when you didn't remember our anniversary, I felt hurt and unimportant. Bottom line, the the more judgmental our language becomes, the harder it is for the recipient's nervous system to stay regulated. The second part of NVC is feelings. This one's hard too. I mean, how many times have you said, you made me feel hurt? You made me feel angry. Now, look, as much as this may not feel real or feel honest or true, no one can make you feel anything. There's an Eleanor Roosevelt quote: uh, no one can make you feel inferior without your permission. Now, when I first heard that quote, it made my skin crawl, and I got honestly kind of angry because what BS. Uh, at the time, my mother was still alive. I hadn't done nearly as much of the work as I've done now. I mean, we're talking 20 years ago. More than that, anyway, the point is I remember thinking in the moment, my mom makes me feel awful all the time. Now, it's a whole other podcast episode about how no one can actually do this, can make us feel anything. But for the purpose of talking about giving feedback, what we want to emphasize is that you can express your feelings without turning them into accusations. So instead of saying something like, you made me feel, you can just state your experience. I felt hurt, I felt dismissed, I felt overwhelmed. Feelings themselves are not accusations, they are statements of your lived experience. And often underneath those feelings is an unmet need, which brings us to step three in NVC: it's needs. This is where you explain why the feeling exists. Maybe the need is respect, partnership, honesty, reliability, support, autonomy, rest, clarity. You know, most conflict actually isn't about who's done the dishes or someone's tone of voice or texting back or interruptions. You know, those are usually surface-level expressions of deeper unmet needs. And then step four is what really transforms all of this from criticism into feedback, because here is where you make a request for change. Not a demand, a request. Go back and listen to episode 69 if you want to deeper dive on this. But the basic difference between a request and a demand is how you respond if the other person says no. If you explode, shame them, threaten them, punish them for declining. It wasn't really a request. It was a demand. You know, requests leave room for dialogue, understanding, and choice. That doesn't mean weak boundaries. It means allowing another person dignity and autonomy. So your requests, they need to be clear, actionable, and specific. So you don't say just be better, communicate more, care more, love me better. Instead, you say, would you be willing to text me if you're running late? Or would you be open to checking in with me before making plans that affect both of us? Or can we agree to pause the conversation if either of us start escalating? So let's just bring all four parts together so that you get an example of what it might sound like. When you arrived 45 minutes late and I didn't hear from you, I felt hurt and unimportant because reliability and consideration matter a lot to me. Would you be willing to text me if you're running behind? Now, just because someone uses nonviolent communication language doesn't automatically mean the communication is healthy. Not all feedback is constructive. Some people absolutely use quote-unquote honesty as a disguise for superiority or control, cruelty, emotional dumping. Some feedback genuinely is criticism. Some people are unsafe communicators. Nonviolent communication does not mean staying endlessly open to harmful behavior or over-explaining yourself to people committed to misunderstanding you. Sometimes discernment matters. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is recognize someone isn't actually trying to build connection. They are trying to win or punish or control. So now that we've gone through the four parts of how we communicate feedback honestly and with care, let's talk about some other factors we want to keep in mind. First of all, timing. This is really important and often ignored. And sometimes it's just really hard to keep it in mind when you're in the moment. But think about it. How well do you receive feedback or criticism when you are exhausted, hungry, already upset, if it's in public, after you've had a terrible day? If you're like, I mean, most of us, probably not very well. So we have to be mindful of when we give feedback. You know, take time to read the room. If the whole point is to have the other person actually be able to receive and act differently, if the point is to make your connection stronger for things to work better, well, then you want to give yourself the best chance of that conversation being successful. And doing it when someone is clearly not in a receptive mood is not going to help you. Okay. We also need to uh ask ourselves, okay, is this actually mine to give? Like, is this feedback necessary? Is it helpful? Is it wanted? You don't get to walk around telling everyone and anyone how they fail to meet your personal standards. I mean, I know not everybody agrees with this. That's why there's the whole Karen meme world. But, you know, sometimes feedback is appropriate and necessary, and sometimes it's unsolicited and self-serving. I actually just did this the other day. I was hanging out with one of my girlfriends whom I love dearly, and am incredibly proud of because she is publishing her first book, like with an actual publisher, the real deal. She wrote this thing while juggling three kids, which is honestly just mind-boggling to me. And I'm just so proud and happy for her. Anyway, she asked me if I wanted to read the blurb for the back of the book. And of course I said yes, like super excited to support her. And then I did the right thing. I asked if she wanted my thoughts, which technically was, you know, what you want to do. But I asked it in such a way that I'm it didn't really give her space to say no comfortably. Uh and also, you know, I didn't pause to really stop and think, like, well, does this even make sense? Because is this blurb done? Is there anything she can do about it? I mean, what's the point in me offering thoughts if this is already a complete and kind of finished product, which is what she shared with me after I gave her the feedback. And, you know, that's where I should have taken some time. You know, my feedback, it might have served my need to contribute more than it served her actual needs in the moment. What is the point of me giving her two tiny suggestions if it's already set, other than potentially creating stress for her? Like I've honestly felt bad about it ever since because that was not what the moment called for. The moment just called for celebration and, like, oh my goodness, this is amazing. So, you know, we all make mistakes. We're all learning as we do this. We'll talk about that in a second. Okay, the other thing we need to be aware of is tone. It does not matter how perfectly worded your sentence is, if your tone communicates contempt, superiority, resentment, blame. People hear tone long before they hear content. We all know the difference between it's fine and it's fine. I mean, we know the difference. That's tone. There's also a huge difference between feedback and emotional dumping. Sometimes we think we're being honest when really we're just unloading on someone. We're escalating or blaming or discharging our emotions onto them. Some glaring red flags, whenever you hear, I'm just being honest, or no offense, but or you always do this, that over-generalizing that is always a red flag. And this is connected to the fact that you, the person giving feedback, need to be regulated too. Because if you are dysregulated, there is a very good chance that your communication is going to become unintentionally or maybe intentionally aggressive. Another piece of this is curiosity. I'm always talking about how curiosity is a superpower and how getting curious helps us understand and grow. But there is a big difference between genuine curiosity and interrogation, a difference between saying to someone, why would you do that? And can you help me understand what was happening there? Notice how the second one isn't attacking the person or implying they are wrong, irrational, or bad. It's taking ownership of your lack of understanding and inviting clarity. You're signaling to that person, I'm trying to understand you, not defeat you, not win. Lastly, let's talk about repair because nobody communicates perfectly. Nobody. Like I gave the example of myself earlier. I live and breathe this stuff, and I still don't do it really well all the time. We all get activated. We all escalate, we all say things we later wish we'd said differently or not at all. And especially when we're trying to learn a new way of communicating, we stumble. Sometimes we literally have to stop ourselves mid-sentence and say, wait a minute, I'm not, I'm not doing this the way that I want to. Let me try again. Healthy communication is not about perfection. A good bit of it is about our ability to repair, our ability to pause before things get really destructive and say, ooh, I'm that came out harsher than I intended. Or, oh, I am realizing that I am way more activated than I thought. Or I do not want to attack you. I want us to understand each other. No one is going to get this right all the time. There is no magic phrase that automatically makes someone receptive or compliant. And let's also not completely remove personal responsibility from the receiver. I think there were at least three separate times this past weekend that my husband said something, and I paused, laughed, and said, I'm going to choose not to take that personally. And we both laughed because you know what? I absolutely do have the tendency to move things around the house without telling him so that he can no longer find them. And it's really frustrating. Totally valid feedback, like not intended to shame me, but on a different day, depending on my stress levels, my perfectionism for that particular day, my am I doing enough spiral? It totally could have triggered me. So don't forget, you can't control whether someone receives feedback well. You just, you can't. You can be thoughtful, regulated, kind, clear, intentional, and you can still trigger someone. All you can really do is your best to create conditions that make safety, understanding, growth, and connection more likely. Because communication ultimately isn't about controlling outcomes. It's about learning how to stay honest without becoming cruel and open without abandoning yourself. And that takes practice. We are all going to fumble this sometimes. We're all going to get activated. We're all going to say things imperfectly. But if we can stay willing to repair, willing to listen, and willing to try again, that's where real connection starts to happen. That's all for today. Thank you so much for listening. I hope this helped you think about how you're giving feedback and what you might want to change so that what you have to say is better received. Members, I've got a worksheet waiting for you in Patreon to help you game plan how to give constructive, useful, loving feedback using nonviolent communication like we talked about today. If you're curious about membership, I offer one through Patreon that includes show notes, reflective prompts, guided meditations, and other resources like today's worksheet to help you integrate the episode on a deeper, more embodied level. You can learn more by clicking the link in the show notes and get seven days to check things out for free. I hope you have a wonderful week and remember, know who you are, love who you've been, and be willing to do the work to become who you are meant to be. Just a quick reminder this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist, and nothing shared here is meant to replace the guidance of a physician, therapist, or any other qualified provider. That said, I hope it inspires you to grow, heal, and seek the support you need to thrive.