Sabbatical, Revisit, And New Lens

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Roots of the Rise with me, Sarah Hope. As you may know, I have been taking a sabbatical this summer to rest, reflect, and prepare for a brand new season of the podcast this fall. I didn't want to leave you hanging during this time, so I'm revisiting some of my favorite old episodes and adding some new thoughts as well as materials for my Patreon members. When I first recorded this episode in particular, I was focused on the importance of not making assumptions about other people. And I still think that's true. That's still something we all need to work on and have, you know, in our toolbox.

How Certainty Creates Suffering

SPEAKER_00 0:42

But revisiting it now, I think there's a deeper truth underneath that we also need to remember. One of the greatest sources of suffering is not what's happening to us. It's the certainty we create around what we think happened. And there are so many quotes out there about this, right? It's not what happens to us, it's our thoughts about what happens to us that create the problem. You know, someone doesn't text us back and we're certain that they're upset with us. A friend seems distant, and we are certain that we have done something wrong. Someone gives us feedback and we're certain that they don't respect us. Our nervous system is incredibly good at filling in the blanks. It would rather have a story than uncertainty, because uncertainty feels unsafe. You know, the problem is that the stories we create often have various degrees of relationship with reality. You know, they are our perception of reality. And there is no such thing as immaculate perception. Everything we perceive is filtered through our past experiences, our conditioning, our limiting beliefs, you know, the stories that we've come to believe about ourselves and the world. One of the most important questions we can ask ourselves is simply what else could be true? You know, that one question has saved me from so many misunderstandings, unnecessary hurt feelings, you know, helped me rewrite the stories that existed only in my own mind. So as you listen today, I invite you to notice not just where you make assumptions about other people, but where you've become certain about something you couldn't possibly know. Curiosity creates possibility. Certainty often creates suffering.

The Three Alternative Explanations Practice

SPEAKER_00 2:54

So here's a simple practice that I find to be useful. Anytime you notice yourself feeling certain about something, especially if that certainty is creating hurt, frustration, or emotional distress, just stop and ask yourself can I come up with three other possible exclamations? Exclamations, explanations that could also be true. Are there three other possibilities here? You know, maybe they didn't text you back because they got, you know, pulled into a deadline at work. Maybe your friend seems distant because they're quietly struggling with something they haven't shared with you yet. Maybe someone is giving you feedback because they genuinely see your potential and want to help you grow. Looking for other explanations helps soften how attached we are to whatever we're believing. And sometimes doing just that, just that one thing, can dramatically shift how we are experiencing something.

Observation Versus Interpretation

SPEAKER_00 3:56

One other thing I hesitate to mention because I talk about it so often, but I'm gonna do it anyway. It's it's nonviolent communication. Not because this episode is about communication per se, but because Marshall Rosenberg brilliantly distinguishes between observation and interpretation. You know, an observation is something a video camera could record. It is just the facts. An interpretation is the meaning we assign to it. You know, most of our suffering happens when we mistake our interpretations, our perceptions, for observations. So if you've listened to my episode on nonviolent communication, or if you plan to, you'll notice that these ideas fit together beautifully. So it might be something you want to revisit if you're thinking to yourself, well, I don't know if I know how to determine the difference between observation and interpretation.

Three Questions To Reality Check

SPEAKER_00 4:56

Uh okay, so moving on, there are three questions you can ask yourself right now to get you in the right mindset for this episode. One, what story am I telling myself right now that I haven't actually verified? Especially if it's creating a sense of pain or suffering within you. Two, what evidence do I actually have for the conclusion I've reached? Because let's be honest, sometimes we reach conclusions, uh, you know, um interpretations of a situation based on perhaps many, many occurrences of something happening. You know, there might be hard evidence that backs up what you are thinking is going on. So it's not that there always is another explanation. Sometimes we're right the first time. But we do want to make sure that we're double-checking ourselves and that we're curious and that we're looking for the evidence. And number three, where in my life am I asking people to read my mind instead of clearly expressing my needs? So often we expect the people in our lives, especially the ones we're close to, especially the ones that have been in our lives for a long time, to be telepathic and to know. And so as you go into this episode, just stop for a second and double check yourself. Have you been clear, not making assumptions, not being passive aggressive, but have you clearly said, This is what I'm feeling, this is what I'm needing, this is what I'm wanting? Again, nonviolent communication. So, with all that said, I hope you enjoy revisiting this old episode as much as I did.

Returning To The Original Recording

SPEAKER_00 6:56

Hello and welcome to Roots of the Rise with me, Sarah Hope. Today we are talking about assumptions and why they can be such a big challenge and create so many problems in our lives. So let's get into it and start talking about assumptions.

Phones In Class And A Lesson

SPEAKER_00 7:19

Last week I was teaching a workshop and I got struck by how many people were on their phone while I was teaching. And when I first started, this used to really bother me because I'd look out, you know, I'd be teaching a group of 20 people, and it would seem like at least half of them were on their phones while I was talking. And in that moment, I could make the assumption that these people were bored and not enjoying the talk and didn't think it was worthwhile and were, you know, playing a game or whatever. And that could lead me to be really uncomfortable and very self-conscious and think that I wasn't doing a really good job. One day after class, I had a woman come up to me and say, you know, oh, I'm so sorry I was on my phone today. I just forgot to bring a notebook, so I was taking notes. And I remembered that moment so clearly because it it gave me this different perspective, this moment of realizing, oh, wait a minute, all these people who are on their phones, they might be actually really engaged and really enjoying what I'm saying and getting a lot out of it. And they're just taking notes. Or maybe they're putting the book that I just recommended into their Amazon cart. And I'm so grateful for that moment because it was right when I had first started doing a lot of workshops. So we're talking like eight years ago. I was still really new in it and had all of this self-consciousness. And having her come up and just, you know, kind of offhand apologizing for this thing that had really been making me nervous, it changed everything. Because I was able to stop making the assumption that people being on their phones meant that I was doing a poor job. And that one little change made teaching so much more enjoyable for me.

When Assumptions Turn Into Drama

SPEAKER_00 9:19

And, you know, this is the thing about assumptions. They can be so harmful. And we have a tendency to make them all the time, about everything, without even realizing that we're making them. You know, that guy who cut us off is a jerk. Our spouse doesn't care about us because they can't remember our schedule, even though we told them five minutes ago. Our kid is ungrateful because honestly, when was the last time they said thank you? Our friend doesn't really care about us because they haven't texted in over a month. The problem is that we make these assumptions, but we believe they are truth. We could swear that they're real. We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking, we take it personally, then we begin to blame them, and we can create a whole big drama over nothing, over a misunderstanding. So often we are afraid to ask for clarification. Now, of course, we're not going to pull over the guy who cut us off and ask, you know, what the deal is, but with our loved ones, it's possible. We can ask what's actually going on. But it's also really vulnerable and scary to do that. Moreover, sometimes we can ask the person and they might not even know what's going on with them to have created such a big reaction. But regardless, what we risk is worse because we're afraid to ask for clarification. We make assumptions, we believe we're right about the assumptions, then we defend our assumptions and try to make someone else wrong. And as I said before, that can create a whole slew of issues that maybe don't even need to be there. Maybe the foundation of those issues isn't sturdy. You know, it's always better to ask the question than to make an assumption because assumptions set us up for suffering, for believing the worst. We tell ourselves stories about who we are, who other people are, the way life is all the time. We only see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear. We don't necessarily perceive the way things actually are. We have a habit of dreaming with no basis in reality. We literally dream things up in our imaginations. Because we don't understand something, because we don't really see it. We make an assumption about the meaning, and when the truth comes out, everything pops and we realize, oh, this wasn't what I thought it was at all.

Relationships And Expecting Mind Reading

SPEAKER_00 11:54

Take relationships. Often we make the assumption that our partners know what we think and that we don't have to say what we want. We assume that they are going to do what we want because they know us so well, especially the longer you've been in a relationship. If they don't do what we want, we can make all sorts of assumptions about why not. They don't know us as well as they should. They don't care enough to make an effort. They are purposefully trying to be hurtful. They should have known, right? We can also make the assumption that everyone sees life, at least in some respect, the way that we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, abuse the way we abuse. And furthermore, we assume that we're right. And anyone who doesn't feel or believe this way is wrong. This is often unconscious, and it's one of the biggest assumptions that humans make. And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others, because we think everyone else will judge us or victimize us or abuse us or blame us.

Holding Beliefs Loosely In Public Life

SPEAKER_00 13:01

In radical forgiveness, Colin Tipping writes that he prefers to use the word assumption rather than belief or even principle, because simply classifying an idea as an assumption allows for the possibility of a greater truth emerging in the future. I am more likely to be open to seeing the deeper meaning in something if I am not ego-invested in a belief system I feel obliged to defend. I thought that was so beautiful and so important, especially in today's cancel culture. Too often we're so attached to what we believe that we have a hard time pivoting even when we get new information. Everyone is just so convinced of their own BS belief system.

The Assumptions You Make About You

SPEAKER_00 13:51

This is especially true when it comes to making assumptions about ourselves. And this can create so much inner conflict. You think, oh, I can totally do this. You make this assumption that you can do it, and then you discover you can't. Or the reverse. You think there's no way I can do that. And then you make an attempt and you surprise yourself by achieving that which you thought you could not do. You either overestimate or underestimate yourself because maybe you haven't taken the time to ask yourself questions and to really answer them. Perhaps you need to gather more facts about a situation, or maybe you need to stop lying to yourself about what you truly want and what you are truly capable of. Maybe you just need to pull your pants up and put the parachute on and take a leap of faith.

Ask Better Questions And State Needs

SPEAKER_00 14:43

The best way to keep yourself from making assumptions is to ask questions. Make sure the communication is clear. If you don't understand, ask. Ask in order to understand, not just to reply. And have the courage to ask until you are so clear that you can reiterate it back to the person in a way that is irrefutable, and they say, Yes, you've got it. And even then, don't assume that you know all there is to know about a given situation. So much of us are operating from a place of unconscious beliefs and patterns and thoughts. So even though you might ask someone to clarify and they do absolutely the best they can, there still might be something underneath that even they can't enumerate. The best thing you can do is just keep asking questions until you feel like you have gotten as close to the whole truth as possible. And also find your voice to ask for what you want. Remember, people are not telepathic. You can't assume that they know what you want. So you have to be able to ask for it. And everybody has the right to tell you no, but you always have the right to ask. The day you stop making assumptions will be the day that you really begin to communicate cleanly and clearly.

Reflection, Email, And Farewell

SPEAKER_00 16:15

So what I'd like you to kind of ponder today, if you're so inclined, is where are you making assumptions in your life? Are there any situations in which you think you know all there is to know, but you haven't actually fact-checked yourself about? Are there any issues that you have with certain people in your lives that may have a foundation of misunderstanding and assumptions? Play around with thinking about this today and let me know what you discover. You can email me at roots of the rise at gmail.com. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day, and I'll be back tomorrow morning. Until then, know who you are, love who you've been, and be willing to do the work to become who you want to be.

Educational Disclaimer

SPEAKER_00 17:13

Just a quick reminder this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist, and nothing shared here is meant to replace the guidance of a physician, therapist, or any other qualified provider. That said, I hope it inspires you to grow, heal, and seek the support you need to thrive.