Summer Reset And Re-Release Setup

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Welcome to Roots of the Rise with me, Sarah Hope. As you may know, I have taken the summer to rest, honestly, to rest and recharge and reflect and help prepare for brand new episodes and everything else I want to offer this fall. And it has been wonderful. I hope your summer has been as rejuvenating and restful and as big of a reset as mine has been. That said, I didn't want to leave you hanging for the whole summer and just not post episodes. So I've used it as an opportunity to revisit some of my old episodes so that I can add some new thoughts and also create some materials for my Patreon members. When I first recorded this episode, I framed it around something I call having a state of the union, specifically in marriage, but in any relationship. Listening back now, I realized, though, that I don't know that I emphasized enough that the practice itself is so much bigger than marriage, which is what I kind of focused on the first time around. Really, this is about creating intentional spaces where the important conversations happen before resentment has had a chance to grow. We all know that preventative maintenance is important. I mean, we understand intellectually that it's easier to handle something before it's really had a chance to take root than it is to try to backtrack. But so many of us wait until a relationship is in crisis before we finally sit down and really ask, how are we doing? One of the biggest lessons and hardest to implement lessons I've learned over the years is that difficult conversations aren't usually what damage relationships. Now, granted, of course, there's caveats there. It depends on how you communicate during those difficult conversations. But more often than not, it's avoiding the conversations that slowly creates the distance. Another thing I've learned is that these conversations are far more productive when everyone involved is regulated. If you are exhausted, overwhelmed, hungry, emotionally flooded, you are much less likely to hear the other person well. If you can, choose a time when you both have the energy and the emotional capacity to be curious instead of defensive. And while this episode focuses largely on marriage, I think the principles apply to just about every meaningful relationship we have: close friendships, family members, business partners, clients, you know, even our relationship with ourselves. In fact, one of my favorite ideas from this episode is something I only touched on briefly near the end. You know, having a regular State of the Union with yourself. Taking time each week to pause and ask, how am I really doing? What's working for me right now? What's draining me? What support do I need? What didn't I get this past week that I can build into this upcoming week? The goal isn't to solve every problem in one conversation. The goal is simply to create relationships where it's safe to talk about problems before they become much bigger ones. So as you listen today, consider whether there may be a conversation you've been avoiding. I mean, personally, even as I say that, one comes to mind for me, you know, not because you're trying to create conflict, but because you're hoping to preserve peace. And ironically, those are often the conversations that create the deepest peace, the deepest sense of relief once we finally have them.

Why Avoidance Creates Distance

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One last thing before we jump in. I am currently reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman. And I have to tell you, it is excellent. I'm only partway through it as I'm recording this, so I'll probably do a full book review once I've finished and have digested it a bit because there are so many insights I would love to share. And he talks a lot about obviously the things and the conversations and the ways in which we need to have those conversations in order for relationships to succeed and to thrive. But even though I'm not done with the book yet, I feel very comfortable wholeheartedly recommending it. You know, whether your marriage is thriving and you simply want to keep investing in it, or you're feeling like there's room to grow, this book is just packed with practical exercises, thoughtful questions, you know, research-backed tools for building stronger relationships. In many ways, I think it expands beautifully on the idea of having regular state of the union conversations. It gives you the framework to how to do that in a much more expansive way. So if this episode resonates with you and you're looking for a place to go deeper, I would definitely put the seven principles for making marriage work on your reading list. Now, let's dive into today's re-release. Welcome to Roots of the Rise with me, Sarah Hope. Today is the 20th episode, so I thought I would take a quick minute to touch base and share how things are going on my end, ask for some input, and talk about the very useful practice of State of the Union. So here we go. Every so often, my husband and I have what I call a State of the Union. Sometimes it's planned. We know we have to hash out our summer plans or how we're going to handle a situation with our son or something like that. And other times it's unplanned. If I'm being honest, it's usually when I have been stuffing my feelings, getting resentful or frustrated or stressed about something and not sharing it with him. And then it comes out, usually not in a very pretty way. And we have to sit down at 8:30 at night when we're both tired, but at least the kiddos in bed, uh, and you know, talk through whatever it is. And while this is hard, it's also essential because we have got to share what's going on in our lives with our partners or friends or family, whatever support system you've got going on right now. I mean, this is the foundation for deep relationship. Like what we were talking about last week with social care. We have to take time to open up about what is actually going on with us and give the other person an opportunity to either support us or work together with us to fix any problems. You have to be aware of what's going on in order to make any changes. And that is what the State of the Union is all about. Now, if you have great communication with your significant other, you're not going to need

Book Recommendation From Gottman

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to have a State of the Union all that often because you're going to know. Even with that, though, I still think they're valuable because sometimes there is hidden stuff, small stuff that you might not take the time to mention during your day-to-day, but giving the opportunity to really talk it through, you might realize there's actually some good to be done, a shift that's necessary. Or your partner might have really good advice. So even with good communication lines, there's value in setting aside specific time to just ask some questions. I'll go over a few in a moment. And maybe you only have to do this once a month or even once a quarter. Now, if you do not have great communication, you might want to schedule this once a week. And it might feel really awkward in the beginning. But if you do it regularly, the better and easier it will become. So here are some basic suggestions. Make sure you won't be disturbed. If you've got littles, that might be difficult, but do try. Make sure you have enough energy for it. Speaking from a place of often having these at the end of the day when we're both just exhausted, it makes it a lot harder. So if you can schedule it at a time that you both are like, you know, wide awake, much better. Also, make sure you have enough time for it. You don't want to schedule this when you know that, you know, you have to leave the house in 15 minutes or your parents are coming over, you know, in 30 minutes. Like you want to make sure that you schedule this at a time that there's going to be some spaciousness and no additional extra unnecessary pressure. You can use the team practice, which stands for touch, educate, appreciate, and metrics. So T for touch, literally touch the person. You'd be surprised how much that helps. E is educate, tell them one thing that got you interested or excited this week. And this is about letting them into your world. This is not about educating in the sense of you don't understand me or what I'm going through. Like, no, this is about inviting them in

What A State Of The Union Is

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so that they see what's lighting you up, what's got you happy, what's making you tick recently. Appreciate. So that's the A. Tell them one thing that you love about them. Tell them something that they did really well this week. Like, hun, you knocked it out of the park when you saw that I was stressed and offered to go, you know, pick the kid up from school today. That's always like Christmas for me because I get all this extra unexpected time. You know, or Han, thank you so much for making my favorite dinner. I really needed some comfort food, and that just really filled me up. Thank you. So make sure that they know you appreciate them. And lastly, M is for metrics. Now, here's where you get to say one thing you wish they would work on. And you do this now, during the State of the Union, instead of nagging them all day or talking about something when you guys are already escalated in an argument. You know, this gives you a set time you know you will be able to talk about with them once a week, if, you know, kind of that's the schedule that works for you guys. And then you want to move into asking some questions, which again, you know, if you've been married for a decade, this might feel a little weird. But, you know, this is about creating the marriage you've always wanted or the relationship you've always wanted. Uh, you know, whether it is, you know, trying to repair a relationship with a parent. Um, again, you might not do like the touch part of this. Uh, but if you're trying to, you know, re-establish a connection with someone that you haven't had one with, well, like doing this can be really useful. So yeah, I'm talking about it more specifically with marriage, but it could work in different in other scenarios. Okay, so back to the questions. Here are some questions you might want to ask. Where could we have done better in our relationship this week? What's going on next week? What do we need to be aware of? Will there be a day that you need extra support where I can be of assistance? I'm just gonna do a tangent here. Brene Brown talks about how,

How To Set Up The Talk

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you know, everyone says marriage is 50-50. And really that's BS because on any given day, the the percentages are gonna change. I mean, I have some days where I'm operating at like, you know, max capacity, where if you asked me how much energy do you have left right now at five o'clock in the afternoon, I would be like, I'm I'm at a 5%. My battery is at 5%. Well, in a marriage, the ask then is to see, well, does my husband have 95%? My guess is going to be no. And so what's gonna make up the difference? If he's only operating at 45%, well, then combined we're at 50%. There's still 50% left that needs to get taken care of. So you need to provide an opportunity both for you to express where you're at. This is how much battery I have left today, so that both of you know kind of what's going on. And that all that also gives you the opportunity to say, okay, the problem is the problem. And the problem is that combined we're at 50% and we still need to get dinner done. We need to entertain the kid. How are we going to make that up? And then together you can decide, all right, we're gonna eat out for dinner tonight. And we're gonna have an impromptu family movie night so that everyone can just chill. You know, you get to tackle it together instead of someone, you know, being utterly exhausted and feeling like they need to somehow find, you know, energy that they just don't have. So anyway, you know, it's good to know in advance if you're gonna have a super busy day. That way you can say, you know what, this night, it might be a night for takeout. I'm gonna be pretty much toast after that day, uh, you know, or not, or if everything's gonna be kind of easy. Either way, it gives you kind of a foundation. Uh, so and that leads you to, okay, if you need extra support this week, how can I best be there for you? What can I do to support you? Maybe it's, well, could you drop the kid at school that morning? That would really kind of, you know, alleviate some

TEAM Method For Better Connection

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stress. You know, you gotta sometimes tell people how you want to be loved. And that's the next question. How can I make you feel loved? What is it that's going to make you feel loved and supported this week? Conversely, you also want to know how did I hurt you this week? What did I do that, you know, in terms of love languages, he talks about the love. Is it a bucket? I think it's a bucket. How we all have, you know, this love um bank. Why can't I remember what the reference is? Anyway, Gary Chapman is the author and he wrote the five love languages. Uh, and he talks about how, you know, we have this, you know, love meter. There we go. We'll go with that uh in us. And things happen that fill that meter, you know, that send it up through the roof. Gas tank, it's a love tank. There we go. I got there. All right, so it's a love tank. So we have things that we do for our partners that fills their love tank. And then we also have things that, you know, kind of take gas out of the love tank. So, you know, intentionally doing things that'll make people feel loved, that's, you know, putting some some credit in the tank. But hurting someone, well, that's gonna remove, that's gonna take away. So we want to know what we're doing that might unintentionally be hurting our partners. Uh, similar, similarly to how can I uh be there for you? Is how can I encourage you this week? What's a goal you have this week, and how can I help you accomplish it? All of these are about encouraging open, vulnerable, honest communication that is geared toward both of you becoming the best partners and individuals that you can be. Help each other. So those are some basic suggestions for having a State of the Union. And, you know, by the way, you can do this just for yourself. Those questions, you can ask them of yourself. Okay, what's going on next week? Do I have any days that are going to be particularly challenging? If so, what can I do to make my life easier? Do I have any particular goals that I want to meet? What can I do to set myself up for success? Have your own little State of the Union once a week and see what happens. Speaking of which, this is mine with this podcast. 20 episodes in and over 200 downloads. I'm a little blown away, actually. I've gotten emails and texts from friends and clients, all being super supportive. And I wanted to take a

Weekly Questions And The Battery Problem

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moment now to acknowledge that support publicly. It means a lot. My dominant love language is words of appreciation. And the psychology is, you know, pretty simple. I spent my childhood being verbally accosted, told over and over again how worthless I was. So it's no surprise that hearing the opposite of that provides me with deep healing. I don't need it anymore. I did for a long time, but just because I don't need to hear it doesn't mean I don't love to hear that this podcast is useful and helpful and something you look forward to. So thank you to those of you who have taken the time to reach out. I'm still figuring this thing out. You may have noticed that I've messed around with the sound, with how I'm doing the intro. Um, you know, I switched my personal creds to the end instead of the start, because if you're listening to this every day, you don't need to hear that every day. You know, and on the back side of things, I've been experimenting with how to even get this done every day. Work in progress. But the truth is, I'm still loving it. It feels exactly like I thought I would. So even though I've been late posting the episode a couple times and I've had to get up really early a couple days to get caught up, I am getting there. I have committed to myself, I will do at least 100 episodes, and then we will see where we're at. What I could really use from you are any thoughts you have about how I could make this better. If I really need to keep it under 15 minutes, or if there's a topic you want to hear more about sooner rather than later, you know, et cetera. I just want to know if you have any thoughts to make this that much better for you. One of my people suggested maybe creating a community forum so that there was a place for you guys to chat and write comments, or maybe do a once-a-week Zoom call where you can actually meet with me to ask your questions. What do you think? So please shoot me an email at roots of the rise at

Self Check-Ins And Listener Feedback Request

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gmail.com to let me know your thoughts. I hope you have a great day. And remember, know who you are, love who you've been, and be willing to do the work to become who you are meant to be. Just a quick reminder this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist, and nothing shared here is meant to replace the guidance of a physician, therapist, or any other qualified provider. That said, I hope it inspires you to grow, heal, and seek the support you need to thrive.