Retreat Fears And What To Know

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Have you ever wanted to attend a meditation retreat, but felt nervous about what might come up, whether you fit in, or whether you could trust the person leading it? In this episode, I'm sharing what I wish I had known before my first retreat, including how to choose the right one, prepare for intense or unexpected experiences, protect your boundaries, and give yourself the support you need before, during, and after. Welcome to It's of the Rise with me, Sarah Hope, where spiritual wisdom needs practical support for everyday life. In each short episode, we'll explore ideas and tools to help you create more peace, clarity, and self-trust. So you can know who you are, love who you fed, and become here today. In a couple of weeks, I get to facilitate a meditation retreat, which is one of my favorite things to do. Part of my preparation is always sitting back and thinking about what I wish I had known before my first retreat, as well as remembering all the retreats and trainings I've attended since then, what I've loved about them, and also what I really wish had been done differently. There is such a wide range of how facilitators prepare you for these experiences. Some of them give you almost too much information, others give you basically none and leave you feeling a little confused and anxious. You know, some welcome questions, others shut you down or answer in such a condescending way that you begin to question whether you should even go. So today I want to talk specifically about retreats that include meditation, journeying, guided visualization, you know, what you should consider before you register, what experiences you might have once you're there, and also how to take care of yourself before, during, and after. Because if you have not attended a retreat like this before, there are a lot of totally reasonable reasons to feel intimidated. You may not know what's going to happen or, you know, what that much meditation might bring up. You might wonder if you can actually do that much meditation, you know, depending on the structure of the retreat. I hear concerns all the time about doing it wrong, having an intense experience and not knowing whether it's normal, or the opposite, you know, having what I call meditation envy and worrying that everyone else is going to have some sort of profound transformative experience except you. Then there's all the normal social anxiety. Maybe you want the meditation piece, but aren't so excited about the group experience aspect. You may worry about feeling exposed, you know, being expected to share personal things or not fitting in, you know, spiritually, politically, socially, culturally. You know, maybe you suspect that a lot could come up for you and you're afraid you won't be able to leave or, you know, just take space when you need it. Or maybe you're concerned about absorbing or being affected by other people's energy. So let's just like normalize that. All of that is so normal and understandable and valid.

Picking The Right Retreat Leader

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So one of the first things you want to do is make sure you're choosing the right kind of retreat and facilitator for you. Going to a Tony Robbins experience is night and day compared with attending a beginner retreat capped at 10 people. You know, sure, many people have said wonderful things about Dr. Joe Dispendos conferences. I mean, they're on my to-do list. But are they right for everyone? No. You know, some people can jump straight into large, highly immersive experience, but for others, it can be totally overwhelming and a really bad place to begin. And the facilitator is key. You know, do you resonate with them, deeply resonate? You know, do they seem welcoming? Do you feel comfortable asking questions? And that's something you can test before you even register. You know, reach out and ask whether they would be willing to have a brief call with you. Many facilitators actually require a call before allowing you to register, which I think is great. You know, it gives you a chance to talk with them and notice whether you feel safe and supported. You can ask, what kind of support is available to me if I become overwhelmed? You know, are you allowed to modify a practice, step outside, opt out of a session? Do you have to share in those group shares? You know, how many retreats has the facilitator led? And I'll pause here because I think it's important to point out that just because this is someone's first time leading a retreat, it doesn't automatically mean you should say no. You know, ask what kinds of retreats they've attended or assisted with and how large that retreat will be. You know, all of that matters. Everybody has to start somewhere. But I didn't facilitate a retreat by myself until I had attended, oh goodness, I don't know, 15 or so, you know. And even when I did facilitate my first retreat, I had my mentor on standby. He knew I was facilitating my first one. We were actually co-facilitating. Um, I do this often where he leads online and I do an in-person element. So I knew he was right there. I knew I had backup if something came up that I didn't know what to do with. So I'm not saying don't go with a facilitator if it's their first time, but you can certainly ask what kind of experience they have attending retreats and if they have, you know, someone that they can go to, if they have backup of some sort. You know, and size really matters eight people versus 50 versus 5,000, that those are totally different kettles of fish, right? You also want to ask if there are clear expectations around confidentiality, touch, substances, silence, and group conduct. You know, if the retreat includes breath work, fasting, plant medicine, intense physical practices, or long periods of silence, what sort of preparation or health screening is required? Do they ask whether you've ever done anything like this before? And just as importantly, is this particular retreat appropriate for you? If a retreat uses sleep deprivation, fasting, that kind of intense breath work, psychedelics or plant medicine, or that prolonged silence, or if you have a history of psychosis or severe dissociation or panic attacks, it is worth speaking with an appropriate licensed healthcare professional before you sign up. Retreats can be beautiful and transformative. And they can also bring up a lot, especially when they include these more intense practices. You also want to look closely at the actual environment you're going to be in: food restrictions, physical accessibility, sleeping arrangements, medication storage, transportation. I mean, all of that can play a big role in how safe and comfortable you feel, which will ultimately contribute to how much you're able to enjoy the retreat and how much you get out of it. Like I personally am a hard no if I have to share a room with a stranger. I'm not saying it can't work out. In fact, I think about my yoga teacher training at Krapallu, and you know, that was a bunk room of like 20 women, uh, which was very intimidating and uncomfortable for me. Uh, but you know, my bunk bait turned out to be one of my dearest, dearest and best friends. So I'm not saying it can't work out. I'm just saying that I know for me, if I want to feel safe and actually rest, uh, then like I every other aspect of the retreat is gonna have to be ideal and perfect and something I really, really want because it's a big sticking point for me. Your sticking point may be completely different. The important thing is knowing what yours is before you get there, if at all possible. Sometimes we don't know until we have the experience. You can ask one or two genuine questions by email or phone and notice not only what the facilitator's answer is, but also how you feel while receiving the answer. And really important caveat sometimes you can do all of this and still end up having a not so great experience.

When A Container Fails You

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I went through this entire process before signing up for a shamanic workshop. I had the phone call, the facilitator was highly respected, very well trained, uh, had been doing this for many years. So I thought that I was going to have the experience of a lifetime. And instead, I got a such a poorly held container, meaning there were no clear rules upon arrival, no real guidelines, uh, no, you know, come to me if you have questions, no expectation setting about uncomfortable experiences and what to do with them. You know, I actually had a very uncomfortable experience. I went directly to the facilitator for help, something that's not, you know, it took me a long time to get to the point where I even felt comfortable going to a person in authority for help. So let's, you know, jump over that hurdle first. I actually did it and went and asked for help. And what did I get? I got completely dismissed and condescended to. I got a probably just something you ate response. Something I ate my butt. Like I know the difference between something deeply affecting me energetically and just like bad food. You know, I was deeply activated. Something very intense was moving through me, and I needed help stabilizing it. And instead, she left me hanging. Yeah, thank God I had other mentors. I could text and say, help, you know, what is this? What do I do about it? You know, the only reason I was okay during that entire experience was that it wasn't my first rodeo. And I already knew some ways to care for myself, and I had a good support system in place. My point is that even when you do the right thing while choosing a retreat or a workshop or a training, you know, you don't always get what you thought you signed up for. So let's talk about what else you can do to reduce the risk and support yourself regardless. Before

Prepare Your System Before You Go

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you arrive, understand that your starting point comes with you. I know that's somewhat of a duh statement, but ideally your retreat preparation begins a week or two beforehand because you are bringing your whole system and really your whole life with you. If you've been under a lot of stress, having difficult conversations, sleeping poorly, and drinking more alcohol than usual, uh, all of that is going to affect how you arrive. You know, what you've been carrying, maybe some of the first material you notice when everything gets quiet. Consequently, your retreat may be less about receiving some sort of dramatic, transformative insight and more about returning to equilibrium. I think most of us go to a retreat wanting it to feel magical, you know, full of bliss, rest, rejuvenation, some sort of obvious transformation. And that's just not always how it happens. You know, sometimes you have a pretty low-key, not too much to report experience. But two weeks later, the insight hits you like a ton of bricks. Or maybe it's two months later. Maybe it's never. That's why it's important not to judge the value of a retreat solely by how you feel while you're there. One of my mentors compares it to putting a letter in the mailbox. You know, you write the letter, you put it in, you walk away, and you trust that it will get where it needs to go. Sometimes retreat experiences are like that. You may not understand or fully see what you got out of it in the moment. Sometimes you just have to trust that you got what you needed.

Five Common Meditation Experiences

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Speaking of experiences, let's talk about some of the things that might happen on retreat. You know, some retreats may be very peaceful and others not so much. During my first retreat, we're talking over a decade ago, I had a number of meditations where I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I was so uncomfortable. But I had two important things going for me. One was a framework that helped me understand what I was experiencing and not be afraid of it. And two, I had a mentor I could approach for guidance. In my meditation tradition, we often use the word purification for experiences that come up or arise as the system processes and releases stress. Other traditions may explain these experiences differently, and not every uncomfortable response should automatically be labeled purification, but this was the framework I had been taught, and it helped me meet what was happening with less fear. So these five, you know, or rather, these meditation experiences that we can have that I categorize as purification tend to fall into five broad categories. So the first is emotions. Sometimes emotions come up when we meditate: anger, grief, sadness, joy, you know, these feelings that kind of bubble up unexpectedly. The second is visual images, you know, anything from pretty colors and light to imagery that feels a little like dreaming. We can also get three physical sensations tingling, itching, heat, pressure, uh even feeling like you're on a tilter whirl. All these things can happen. The fourth is movements, involuntary movements, things like twitches, jerks. Um, sometimes you can even feel rapid eye movement or have like muscle spasms. And the last one, number five, thoughts. Yes, thoughts. The thing you may have heard you aren't supposed to experience during meditation. Now, look, there are nuances here that I'm not gonna explore because they aren't the purpose of this episode. You know, some traditions teach you to quiet and release thoughts, others recognize them as part of the process. So this isn't a blanket statement that you're allowed to think a ton or that you're not allowed to think. It's just thoughts are something my tradition understands as part of the process. And I'm gonna leave it there before I go off on a very long tangent. But look, all five categories can be pleasant. You can see really pretty colors, you can have feelings of joy, you can experience like champagne bubbles on your skin. And all five can be unpleasant. You can get deep, overwhelming grief, frightening images, the urge to crawl out of your skin, racing thoughts. When I first began meditating, I frequently felt as though I had hives and I didn't get pretty colors. No, no, I got snakes, like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom snakes crawling all over me. It was awful. Uh and it became even more intense during my first meditation retreat. But, but I had a mentor who gave me ways to reduce the intensity of what I was processing, to slow it down and make it manageable and not scary. Sometimes just recognizing that an uncomfortable experience is part, a temporary part of your meditation practice may help reduce the fear around it. But sometimes a person gets overwhelmed. You know, there can be dissociation, panic, you know, you can have a trauma response. So those experiences should not be dismissed as spiritual progress or something you simply need to push through. Can your facilitator recognize that distinction? Do they know when to modify or stop a practice, help you orient back to the present, or recommend support beyond what they can responsibly provide? Do they know their limits? That matters.

Overwhelm, Trauma, And Real Support

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Some people also have a very real concern about meditating in a large group because they feel they may absorb other people's energy or even take on another person's karma. People understand and describe group energy in very different ways. What matters is that if this is a genuine concern for you, you don't need to shame yourself for it, simply hope it won't happen, or avoid retreats entirely because of this concern. What you can do is work on your boundaries, especially right before you go into some sort of immersive group environment. That might include becoming clear about what helps you feel grounded, knowing how to redirect your attention to your own body and experience, giving yourself permission to take space, uh, practicing whatever energetic boundary tools are consistent with your beliefs. A resource I like is Cindy Dale's book, Energetic Boundaries, which offers really practical tools for people who feel especially sensitive to others. And this is why you want to clarify whether you're going to be required to remain in every conversation, activity, or physical space. You want to have the ability to take care of yourself, to step outside, sit farther away, rest alone. And with all of that, important to be able to ask for help. A boundary is not a failure to participate. These retreats, they mean being part of a group with everything that brings. Will

Boundaries And Group Share Etiquette

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there be group sharing? Is it required? Can you opt out? Look, for a long time, group sharing was really uncomfortable for me. Like, please don't make me say my name and one unique thing about myself, like, let alone bear my soul and like all the skeletons in my closet. Please don't make me. But sharing can also become one of the most meaningful parts of a retreat when you feel safe enough. It can help us integrate. Hearing another person's experience can steady and support our own. We need to be mindful in these settings, though. We have to police ourselves a little. You know, before responding to someone, ask whether they want ideas or simply want to be heard. Actually, that's good practice in general in life, you know, unsolid unsolicited advice. Like, have you tried blah, blah, blah? Like that can shut people down. Confidentiality should also be part of the container so that people, including you, feel safe opening up. It's equally important not to assume that everyone shares your beliefs. I mean, yes, there is very likely there's a certain type of person who signs up for these experiences, and there are many through lines, but there is still a wide spectrum of spiritual, political, social, and cultural views in any room. Assumptions can be really harmful. We also need to remember that someone else may be having a deeper or less steady experience than we are. Communal downtime is not necessarily the place to unload highly activating material like politics onto the group or try to create connection through ideological ranting. You know, someone may tolerate a heated subject very differently than you. And on retreat, we don't always recognize how activated our own system has become. That doesn't mean a charged subject can never be discussed. If something comes up for you, facilitated group time may be exactly the place to bring it, where it can be held intentionally. But don't take it personally if someone else needs to excuse themselves because the conversation is dysregulating for them. Most spiritual retreats, by that I mean ones that are about meditation or journeying or visualization, you know, the deep inner growth practices, you know, they are designed to create conditions for greater settling and awareness. Repeatedly driving the group into fight or flight, it works against that intention. So taking care of yourself is not failing the retreat. There can be a fine line, though, between taking care of yourself and using self-care to avoid every uncomfortable part of the work. But you still have permission to skip a share. So make sure you ask questions, ask for help, modify a practice, leave an activating conversation, spend your free time alone, choose movement, choose stillness. You don't have to perform, I guess, is my point. You don't have to be any one way. You don't have to perform, you know, socially, spiritually, you know, or transformatively. You get to just be. And sometimes we need solitude to sort through what we're processing. But if you're deeply struggling, it's really important to have someone you can approach for support. Have I said that enough yet? You know, withdrawing, because you need a quiet. Is different from becoming overwhelmed and disappearing without anyone knowing you need help. I think it's important to point out, too, you might feel really different from how you normally do. So sleep and appetite may temporarily change. During my first retreat, I swear I ate my body weight at every meal. I was starving. I even snapped in between meditation sessions, which is normally a no-go, but I like had to. I was so hungry. And at the next retreat, I barely ate. You may need substantially more rest, or you may feel as though sleep is impossible. But intentionally staying up all night can make regulation and integration harder. My mentor always says: even if you are awake, be one with the bed. Rest matters. Rests usually should be part of the retreat. They're not wasted retreat time. The sleep is integration. You know, movement may help settle your body, but constant activity or excessive movement can also become a way to avoid what's coming up for you. So this is where curiosity matters. What do I genuinely need right now? Am I supporting myself or running from myself? Not the most fun question to ask ourselves, but still important. Okay,

Integration And A Gentle Return Home

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what about evaluating the retreat? You gotta be careful not to do that too quickly. You know, I've attended, I don't even know, 20 meditation retreats, 30, something like that, plus many other workshops and trainings in the same sphere. And I am telling you, your experience during a retreat is not always a reflection of its value. Even when you attend the same kind of retreat, like the countless heart-based meditation retreats I've done, your experience changes every single time. It changes because your practice changes and your level of awareness changes. You know, sometimes retreats are profound. Sometimes they're restful, sometimes they're restless. Sometimes nothing seems to happen until an insight arrives two weeks later. Sometimes the retreat's entire work was simply helping you return to baseline. No big aha moment, just back to good. You know, you participate, you place the experience in the mailbox, and you allow its meaning to arrive when it arrives. What people often forget is that the retreat experience doesn't stop when you walk out the door. And this is actually where a lot of people go wrong, not before or during, but after. You know, they reach this beautiful, relaxed, aware, open space within themselves, and then they dive back into daily life far too quickly without leaving any room for integration. If you spend three days away meditating, moving mindfully, eating nourishing food, you know, journaling, being at one with yourself in nature, around all these people who are like-minded. And then on Monday, you drop meditation entirely, grab McDonald's for lunch, and stay up half the night. How do you think your body is going to respond? Look, I recognize that not everyone can take an additional day off after already, you know, having taken time off for the retreat itself. But if you can give yourself a re-entry day, I strongly encourage it. Otherwise, you're asking your system to go from like a nice, smooth, stately five miles per hour to 160. Like that is a lot of transition for anybody's system. You know, you may find yourself exhausted, unusually cranky, or convinced the retreat was a waste because you're fully stressed again less than 48 hours later. You know, give yourself time to ease back in. Leave extra room for journaling, for meditation, water, nourishing meals, and rest. Reduce unnecessary commitments if you can. Do not schedule, you know, a board meeting the day you come back or, you know, three days later get together with the family that stresses you out. Avoid making major life decisions based solely on one intense retreat experience. Oi, I cannot emphasize that one enough. You have to give insights time to settle, and you want to recognize that sometimes the big aha moments that we have on retreat, they might not actually be practical. They might not be doable and they might not be real intuition coming through. That first retreat I went on, I'll never forget. I had this like huge aha moment. I wanted to close my successful Pilates studio, which I loved, uproot, me and my husband, move to the Berkshires and essentially devote my life to spiritual teaching, yoga, and inner development. I told my mentor, uh, you know, that I had had this big like, this is what I want to do with my life moment. And he just kind of looked at me and said, just wait. And I was so taken aback. Like, what? Like, I expected him to be fully supportive, right? And instead, he just had this like, just wait. And then two days later I woke up and I thought, whoa, no, no, no, no, no. Like, I don't want to do that. I don't, I don't wanna, I love my, I love my studio, I love my clients, I don't want to uproot my life. That's that's not aligned for me. So what was going on there? It was a mixture of insight and everything else that was moving through me. You know, seeking a true and lasting connection to my higher self, absolutely the right direction for me. Giving up everything that I had built in order to do so, not so much. And so

Questions To Ask Before You Commit

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I want to give you some questions to consider before your first retreat or your next retreat. If you are thinking about going on one, I want you to ask yourself the following. What would help me feel safe enough to be present? What expectations am I carrying about what my retreat should feel like? What questions do I want to ask the facilitator before I commit? What support will I have if something difficult comes up during or after the retreat? And lastly, how can I create a gentler transition home? A retreat does not have to be a blissful, dramatic, or visibly transformational experience in order to be meaningful. You don't have to produce some sort of profound insight. You don't have to match what everyone else is feeling. And you don't have to abandon your own boundaries to prove that you are open, spiritual, or committed to inner development. Just choose carefully, ask questions, participate honestly, take care of yourself, and then give the experience enough room to become whatever it is going to become. Thank you

Patreon Resource And Closing Disclaimer

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for listening today. I hope this gave you a practical approach for finding the perfect retreat for you. Patreon members, there is a quick cheat sheet waiting for you to use for exploring any retreat opportunities that come your way. I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your day. And remember, know who you are, love who you've been, and be willing to do the work to become busy. Just a quick reminder, this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist, and nothing shared here is meant to replace the guidance of a physician, therapist, or any other qualified provider. That said, I hope it inspires you to grow, heal, and seek the support you need to thrive.