Speaker 1 0:13

Welcome back to Roots of the Rise with me , sarah Hope . We ended last week talking about Father's Day and the complex emotions it can bring up . Today , I want to expand on that conversation because this time of year also gets me thinking about what it really means to do your best and the stories we tell ourselves , not just about fathers and men , but about effort , capacity and what doing your best actually looks like . Even though I'm going to be highlighting men at the beginning of this episode , don't check out just yet if you don't really have any like father figure or male related problems . Well , what brought me to this topic was thinking about Father's Day and how much hate men are getting recently . The meat of this conversation is actually about what it means to do your best . You can easily insert mother or spouse or friend , depending on your situation , so hang in , even if this first part doesn't feel super applicable Right now .

Speaker 1 1:13

We're pretty down on men in this country . There's a lot of talk about toxic masculinity , about what men are doing wrong , how they are the root of so many problems and sure , let's be clear misogyny and sexism exist . This is a real problem , but not all men are abusive , checked out or toxic . A client of mine recently told me she was just done with men . She said like essentially they are all pigs . Every guy I've ever dated has treated me poorly . My friend's husbands are cheaters , liars , abusive . You found a unicorn with your husband and I get it . That's been her experience . And men like that do exist and they do inflict incredible pain and suffering and damage on others . But my experience has been different on others , but my experience has been different . Most of the husbands and fathers I know they are good , solid men doing their best to provide for their families , teach their children well and love their partners . What I want to focus on today is that phrase doing their best because I know that can feel like a cop out when you've been hurt and I've had to wrestle with that myself . My biological parents their best meant giving me away . My adopted dad's best meant being mostly absent , turning a blind eye to my mother's emotional abuse , gaslighting me into thinking I was the unstable one , not her . My mom wasn't much better . Her best was very conditional love and extreme emotional instability . So I get it . Sometimes someone's best doesn't feel like it was enough .

The Energy Percentage Metaphor Explained

Speaker 1 3:02

But I want you to consider this what if what felt to you like barely any effort at all was actually the most effort they could possibly give . What if their 40% effort was actually their ? 100% when it came to you , because that's all they had left . Percent when it came to you because that's all they had left .

Speaker 1 3:29

Let me explain this with the energy percentage metaphor I like to use . Imagine that you have a hundred units of energy on any given day and that energy needs to be allocated to the different aspects of life we all have to deal with . I'm going to give you an example from my life , just so you can see how things kind of pan out for me . When things are pretty good , what percentage goes where ? When I'm feeling pretty balanced , work is pretty smooth , it's running well , but I'm also planning a bunch of upcoming retreats , my courses for the fall . So I'd say I'm putting about 20% of my overall energy into work . My marriage rock steady , I feel loved , supported in true partnership . We're on the same page . So , even though of course , I'm putting some energy in , it's not a ton because it's kind of running on autopilot right now . So I'd say 10% .

Speaker 1 4:20

My kid is young , so while he is wonderful and brings so much joy , it's also exhausting . You know , setting up play dates , running him around to activities , all of that . So we're going to give him about 30% . Running the house , so that's like bills , groceries , cleaning , appointments , even listing all of it . I'm thinking about my to-do list and like yeah , it's a lot . So I'm going to give that 20% . Friends and family , because I need playdates too and I want to keep in touch with the people that matter . It's probably about 10% for that and that means I have about 10% left over for the rest of self-care meaning exercise , meditation , journaling , like the rest of self-care meaning exercise , meditation , journaling , the me time . So that all adds up to 100% . Work 20% . Marriage 10% . Kid 30% . Household administration 20% . Friends and family 10% . Self-care 10% . Okay , so that's my breakdown right now , because I'm feeling pretty balanced and good .

Speaker 1 5:23

But what if life isn't balanced ? Like I said , right now things are pretty good , so that I've got a good percentage breakdown , but sometimes they're not . If work wasn't going well , if I was super stressed trying to get something brand new off the ground , like if I go back to February trying to start this podcast , well , maybe work needs like 40% of my energy every day . What if my marriage was a mess ? If I was really struggling if we weren't connecting . If I wanted to actually fix it you know , make the marriage back to a place where I was comfortable and happy well then I'd probably need to be putting in more like 40 or 50% of my energy every day . And I'm not just talking about actions , I'm also talking about the kind of mental , emotional toll , the stress , the amount of energy that simply the stress of the marriage not being in a good place would create .

Speaker 1 6:19

What if I was one of those people who gets really stressed out by politics ? Well goodness , I can't even imagine how much energy I might be expending on stressing about that . But I still have , you know , my son . So , gosh , he goes down to like 10 or 20% because that's all that's left . But wait a minute , what about all the household stuff ? I still need to do that , keeping up with friends , the me time Well , that's like non-existent in this scenario . I don't have the energy for it . And what do we know about not taking care of ourselves , not getting the sleep , not getting the alone time , the time for our friends and our hobbies ? We didn't even talk about financial stability in this . What if that's part of the work ? Stress , wondering , well , how am I going to even pay for all of the activities my kid wants to do ? Can I make that next credit card payment ? But there's nothing left for all of that If all I take care of is work and marriage and a little bit left over for the kid , because that's all I've got in my percentages .

Speaker 1 7:22

Well then , what happens when your demands exceed your capacity ? How do you show up ? What kind of person are you when you're at a 20% battery and your kid wants to play , when your partner needs something from you , when your boss is breathing down your neck , probably not showing up as your best self , right ? So what if that's where your dad was while you were growing up ? Or your mom ? What if that's where your spouse is right now ? What if they are only giving you 20 or even 10% of their energy , because that is all they have ? I am not excusing abuse , never but I am asking what if their 20% they were putting into you really was their 100% effort ? What if they were giving every last morsel of their battery percentage to being the best parent they could be with what they had ? What if they were battling their own inner demons , their own crippling anxiety or pain , which we all know can be exhausting , and they only had that 10 or 20% left for you . I mean goodness , I consider myself to be a really good parent . I'm not perfect no one is but in the scenario I just laid out , where I'm feeling pretty balanced , my son's only getting 30% of my daily energy . So what's realistic ?

Speaker 1 8:49

There's a quote I saw recently that said as a daughter , I forgive you , but as a parent I could never understand . And , man , I feel that you look at your child and you cannot even put into words how much you love this little person and you think there is no way I could ever do to them what was done to me . And maybe you couldn't , maybe you wouldn't . But here's why You're not your parents and you've done the work . You have healed in ways they didn't or maybe couldn't . You've learned how to name your triggers , how to self-regulate , how to ask for help , how to show up differently . That quote is powerful because it's emotionally true , but it also risks holding our parents to a standard that they might not have had the capacity to meet .

Speaker 1 9:40

If I'm being really honest , I would be a completely different parent if I had had my son , even two years before I did , I would not have had the capacity to be as good a parent as I am now , because I hadn't done all the work that I did in those two years , let alone the 10 , 15 years prior . And this is not about excusing anything your parents did either . They might've caused real harm , but you right now are seeing the whole thing through a completely different lens . You're not them . You've made different choices . If you're listening to this episode , it's because you're someone who is trying , someone who has struggled and strived to be better , who's still working to become the most conscious , grounded , loving version of yourself that you can be . So , of course , it's hard to understand how your parents could act the way they did , because you're not carrying what they were carrying .

Speaker 1 10:38

Our society has changed so much since our parents were doing the work that we are doing now . Mental health is acknowledged , there is support everywhere . I'm not saying it's accessible to everyone , because I know it's not , unfortunately , but at least it's not taboo . The way it was back then , like it or not . The rules were different , society was different , the economy was different . We can't judge them to the same degree or to the same standards , rather that we judge ourselves , because it's a completely different scenario with totally different variables .

Speaker 1 11:21

Not only are you not functioning at the same battery percentage as your parents were , you're not even in the same game , and that's where compassion and boundaries can coexist . When we recognize this , that's when we can begin to reconcile the difference between what we needed and what they had to give , and maybe what they still have to give . My parents are no longer alive for me to try to sort this out with them , but maybe yours are . Maybe yours are still hurting you , maybe you are still coming up against them not showing up for you the way that you wish they would , and that is so painful . It's so hard to desperately want your parent to be there for you in the way that you want them to be . But please recognize that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and potentially , their simple incapacity to do the work that you've done , their inability to move forward , to change , to be better . They might not have the tools that you've developed . You've changed , but maybe they haven't and maybe they won't , but I'm willing to bet that most of them did do the best that they were capable of .

Speaker 1 12:46

There's a country song by Luke Combs , called Front Door Famous , and it hits me in the gut every time the chorus goes Soon . As I get home seems like I'm gone again . Walking out the driveway I see his face pressed against the screen door , teddy bear in a juice pack saying Daddy , please come back . It tears me up every time and I can't wait till I'm walking through the front door hearing Daddy at the top of his lungs , feet on the wood floor , running up to give me a hug . Yeah , that's what it's all for . And I think how many dads out there are front door famous , even if they're not like Luke Combs kind of famous ? Maybe they can't get to every recital or bedtime story because they are working so hard just to keep the lights on . Maybe they're not the most supportive partner doing everything all the time that their spouse wishes they would , because they just don't have the energy . Maybe they don't always say the right thing or do the right thing , but they keep showing up .

Speaker 1 13:45

My own adopted dad . He worked two hours away for like the first decade or so of my life . He left early , got home late , but he always kissed me on the forehead before he left and when he got back , even if I was asleep , which I was most of the time . The smell of coffee is one of my clearest memories of him might be part of my coffee addiction . He made a choice . He made a choice to work that far away , to be gone that much , and frankly I'm willing to bet it had at least a little bit to do with my mother and I can't really blame him . I mean , I could , I could resent it , I could be angry , but I choose to believe he was doing the best he could , and I really do think most dads are , most moms are , most of us are

Check Your Battery Percentage Allocations

Speaker 1 14:28

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Speaker 1 14:29

So what I want you to think about is what your energy breakdown looks like right now . Are you stretched too thin ? Are you paying attention to the right things ? If you're not sure , go back to your priorities list from episode 30 . Revisit what really matters . Check in on where your energy is going it might explain a lot and also think about it in relationship to the people in your life . Are you expecting others your partner , your parent to give more than they actually have in the tank ?

Speaker 1 15:05

Brene Brown talks about how marriage is never truly 50-50 . She and her husband check in with each other and ask how much do you have today ? Where are you at If one of them says 60 and the other says 20% ? Well then they figure out together how to make up that missing 20 . So no one ends up completely depleted . Maybe that means ordering takeout or skipping the party or reworking the to-do list . My husband and I do this too . We normally split bedtime he does the bath , I do books . But some nights one of us takes it all so the other can catch their breath if they're feeling super stressed , or finish up a podcast episode or a presentation for work .

Speaker 1 15:41

Partnership doesn't mean everything is split evenly . It means being aware of each other's battery percentage and adjusting with love and care . And if you can do that now , if you can do that in your current relationship , if you can recognize it in yourself , if you can look at yourself and realize , yeah , man , some days when I am super stressed , when I'm worried about paying that bill , when I had a really kind of difficult conversation with my boss and then I came home and my spouse lit into me about some ball I dropped on their to-do list and then my kid looks at me and wants something from me . Well , how do I show up ? Am I the best parent ? Do I respond with patience and with understanding or do I snap ?

Speaker 1 16:37

If I have a day where I am facing you know my hard stuff , where I've just had a therapy session that brought up a whole bunch from my childhood and I'm feeling sad and overwhelmed and full of the pain I had when I was a kid , and then I walk in the door and my kid is having a whiny day . Well , how do you respond ? Maybe you respond with more care and compassion , because you were just reminded of how difficult it is when that's not what you're greeted with . But maybe you don't have it . Maybe you respond by snapping or by wanting to zone out , numb out and doom scroll . Are you doing the best you can In that moment ? You might be , and we've got to learn how to offer some compassion to ourselves , which may then allow you to look back at your own childhood and offer some compassion and understanding to your parents , even if they didn't give you everything you needed .

Speaker 1 17:34

That is all for today . If you have questions or something came up for you while listening , click the message me button if you're listening on Spotify , or feel free to email me at rootsoftherise at gmailcom . I love hearing from you and if you found this helpful , hit , follow or subscribe or leave a review . I really appreciate your support . I'll be back on Wednesday . Until then , remember , know who you are , love who you've been and be willing to do the work to become who you want to be . Just a quick reminder this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only . I am not a licensed therapist and nothing shared here is meant to replace the guidance of a physician , therapist or any other qualified provider . That said , I hope it inspires you to grow , heal and seek the support you need to thrive .