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Welcome to Roots of the Rise with me , sarah Hokey . Emotions are an essential part of being alive , but are you comfortable with them ? Do you allow yourself to feel ? Not at all , way too much . Today will be the first of likely many episodes dealing with this most fundamental part of our human experience , so let's lay some groundwork . No one goes through life without feeling something . We may hope that it is joy , peace , hope , itself , other pleasant emotions , but no life exists without sorrow , fear , anger . The crazy thing is that while we all experience a range of positive to negative emotions , the majority of us are never taught what to do with those sometimes really intense feelings . Our emotions have tremendous pull . They can hijack us when we're least expecting it . Sometimes we aren't even aware of the emotion we're feeling , let alone what triggered it . But many of us don't have that basic understanding . According to Brene Brown's research in Atlas of the Heart , most adults can only name three emotions happy , sad , angry . Yet she went on to identify and map out 87 distinct emotions . This highlights one of the main ways emotions can become problematic a lack of awareness . If we can't even name what we're feeling , how can we begin to process it ? Emotions can also become a problem when we over-identify with them or when we block their natural flow . These three challenges lack of awareness , over-identification and emotional suppression are each worth exploring more deeply , but that's a conversation for another day . For now , consider this how do you tend to handle difficult emotions ? How many emotions can you name ? Does 87 sound absolutely ridiculous ? It does , even to me , who thinks about and talks about emotions and emotional regulation all the time .

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Much of who we are and how we relate to the world is shaped by our early childhood . Of course , we all know this . So a really powerful question to start with is what kind of emotional education did you get ? We begin forming our relationship with emotions almost from the very start . As soon as we begin to recognize ourselves as separate from others , especially from our mothers , with whom our identity is fused , until around six months , we start to develop preferences and desires . We reach for a toy we like , we push away strawberries and grab for more blueberries . Before we even have language , emotions become our primary form of communication and , let's be honest , most infants and toddlers and even young kids aren't exactly subtle . They express themselves with everything they've got . Emotions show up big If our caregivers aren't equipped to hold space for those big feelings if we're shamed , ignored or dismissed . When we emote , it starts to shape our internal world in ways that can create some major challenges later on . As our sense of self grows , we naturally want to go after what we desire , but at the same time we're deeply wired to maintain connection and preserve the love and approval of our caregivers , the people we depend on . That tension between authenticity and attachment can shape how we learn to deal with emotions for the rest of our lives

Sarah's Personal Emotional Journey

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I grew up in a household with mixed messages . On one hand , my mother was an emotional roller coaster that went from the depths of deep depression to manic highs of childlike glee , to intense rages that would shake the walls . I witnessed firsthand the vast array of emotions . One might feel how intense , how volatile , how changeable they can be . On the other hand , if I expressed anything other than effusive joy over every aspect of my life , there was hell to pay . Either the rage would become directed at me or I would be reminded once again that I was the root of all evil .

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The first way that I tried to cope with it was to become hypervigilant , to be able to read the room really quickly so that I knew the quote unquote right way to act , whether it was to say nothing at all , to avoid notice , or put on a big smile and happy face , or just be as quiet and polite as possible . Unfortunately , that didn't work , because what she wanted would change at the drop of a hat . A smile could be read as fake she wasn't wrong there , it usually was the politeness could be read as condescending , the avoidance could be read as disregard , instead of what it was , which was just a child trying to fly under the radar to avoid pain . There was no right answer , and so my best bet and what eventually I did was to just become numb and shut down entirely . If I had no emotion at all , I couldn't have the wrong one right . That didn't work either , but I found that I preferred to be hated for something I wasn't than to be hated for something I was . Not that I understood that that's what I was doing at the time , but looking back and lots of therapy later , it's so clear that I chose to never let the truth of what I was feeling slip out , because I knew it could be used against me Later in life .

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I found it next to impossible to even recognize my own emotions because I had stuffed them so deeply inside of me . It was like learning a whole new language and I had no example of how to deal with it , how to deal with the depths of what I felt . Allowing joy was next to impossible because of my certainty that it would be ripped away from me , that it couldn't be trusted . Always on the other side of a good day with my mom was a day of hell , and retribution for some imagined slight . Allowing sadness was definitely not going to happen . That was a black pit I was certain I could never climb out of . I was already in a depression 99% of the time .

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I say all of this to just give one example of how a parent's emotional intelligence , or lack thereof , can have long lasting consequences for a child

Emotions as Energy in Motion

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. We need to remember , especially when we're overwhelmed by intense emotions , that emotions are simply energy in motion . The word itself comes from the Latin I don't know if I'm going to pronounce this right , even though I took Latin for years and years but it's emovere e , meaning out , and movere we'll say it that way meaning to move . So when we emote , we literally are moving energy out out of the unconscious , through the body and into conscious awareness .

Childhood Emotional Reflection

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Now think about a pre-verbal child . They may babble or make sounds , but they're not yet forming words or having conversations . Emotion is their first language . It's how they communicate with their caregivers , how they express hunger , discomfort , joy , fear .

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When those emotional expressions are properly mirrored by present and attuned adults , through tone , touch , facial expressions and , eventually , language , the child begins to form a healthy emotional identity . A parent might say you don't look happy , what's wrong ? Or I see you're excited . Or are you feeling angry ? Even if the child doesn't yet understand the words , this mirroring helps form an essential neural connection my feelings have a name . I am not my feelings , but here's the catch . What we need as we begin to navigate our emotional world is love , understanding and support , and too often what we receive instead is ridicule , anger or the demand to get over it , long before we're cognitively or developmentally capable of doing so on our own .

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If a child's emotional outbursts are seen as something to be punished instead of understood as a call for connection , a subtle but powerful message takes root Emotion leads to abandonment , rejection or conflict . We begin to fear our own emotions . We may even begin to doubt our inner experience . We certainly

Emotions as Feedback

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don't learn that all emotions , even the uncomfortable ones , like fear , anger or sadness , are natural , necessary and purposeful . Emotions are complex , instinctual responses to pleasure and pain . There are no bad emotions , but because some are painful , we learn to label them as wrong or undesirable . In reality , that pain is a message . It's part of an intelligent feedback system designed to bring us back into balance , back into alignment with ourselves and our lives . But sadly , most of us were never taught how to truly feel , process or move through these signals . So we turn to unconscious coping strategies suppression , distraction , numbing , escape . But avoidance doesn't make the emotion disappear . It only intensifies it over time , and so it can create bad responses where we inflect pain on others or on ourselves . And so the cycle continues .

Problems Created by Lack of Emotional Awareness or Understanding

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When we run from emotion , we're actually running from essential inner guidance .

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Blocking emotion blocks movement in our bodies , our relationships , our growth . And repression isn't passive . It takes tremendous energy . Just because a feeling isn't't expressed doesn't mean it vanishes . It gets stored in the body . You can feel it when you are stopping yourself from expressing how angry you are . Your jaw tightens , the neck stiffens , your shoulders tense up , the breath becomes shallow , we contract . But when we allow emotion to move , when we make space for it , when we accept it , tension releases too . Sometimes the path to emotional release begins with a physical release . That's why people often cry in yoga . Yoga helps open the energetic channels of the body and as energy begins to flow , long-held emotions can surface and , while it may feel sudden , what's really happening is a beautiful , long overdue return to wholeness .

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Now I just want to point out once again with feeling that if emotions are difficult for you , especially if you suffer from extremes like deep depression or rage , I highly encourage you to work with a professional to help you figure it out . We are not meant to do deep inner healing work by ourselves . I mean , look , the reality is that whether or not you have professional support , you're still doing it by yourself . No one can heal your stuff for you . You have to do it . All you're doing when you have a mentor or counselor or therapist is having someone there to teach you the best tools to help you heal yourself better and faster . And we want this because if you don't , if you don't heal your connection with your emotions , it can cause a lot of problems in your personal life .

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You may tend to feel overwhelmed or numb , maybe you have an inability to feel joy or have a hard time calming down or getting over the smallest of slights or setbacks . Lack of awareness might mean that you don't even understand why you're feeling what you're feeling and therefore acting the way you are . Obviously , that can then cause relationship problems . We can have poor communication . It's hard to communicate what you want and need . If you aren't able to articulate what you're feeling , go back and listen to Nonviolent Communications . I'll link it below . It's necessary to know what you're feeling , needing and wanting . You also might have a hard time with empathy , not understanding or picking up on the other person's feelings or needs . Often people who struggle with emotional intelligence have a hard time with conflict and trust . It's hard to connect with someone who seems like a robot and of course , these issues can spill over into professional problems and can create mental and physical health issues Like there can be this cascade effect of lack of emotional intelligence , creating turmoil on every plane of life , creating stress , anxiety , burnout , fatigue , headaches , not to mention all the coping mechanisms that can be harmful , like addiction .

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But sometimes we can learn to channel our emotions into something positive . How many people do you know who will say oh , when I get like really upset , I just have to clean , I just have to clean . I just have to clean , and part of that is taking the energy and pushing it into a positive place . Part of it is asserting control , which we talked about last week , and that's great too . You know , we just want to be able to channel the emotions into something that feels healthy and supportive for us . Maybe you translate grief into writing , longing into creative activities , anger into cleaning . Now , look , you can take anything too far , of course , but in moderation . Some of this can be very healthy and very helpful .

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So , speaking of helpful , I wanted to give you

Questions for Self-Reflection

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some questions today to help you at least begin investigating your relationship with emotions . So here we go . How many emotions can you identify ? Do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you ? Do you struggle with any particular emotion ? It could be something quote unquote negative , like fear or anxiety , but it could also be joy . What would it mean for your life if you were able to experience difficult emotions without difficulty ? Examples experiencing anger without lashing out , shame without spiraling into self hatred . Profound joy without foreboding . What is your baseline emotion as in , what do you feel throughout most of your day ? That's all for today .

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Obviously , this is barely touching the surface of what there is to know and understand about emotions , but you gotta start somewhere If you want to dig deeper . Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown is excellent . I will link it below . Tomorrow we're talking about guilt Always a fun topic . If you have any questions or comments , please feel free to click the message me button if you're listening on Spotify , or email me at rootsoftherise at gmailcom . I love hearing from you . I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day and remember , know who you are , love who you've been and be willing to do the work to become who you want to be .