Speaker 1 0:13

Welcome to Roots Over Eyes with me, sarah Hope. Father's Day is this weekend and it can be a complicated, maybe even painful day, especially if your relationship with your dad is marked by distance, hurt or unmet needs. In this episode, we will gently explore why those feelings are valid, how to honor your experience, and I will give you some journal prompts to help support healing and clarity, whether you are navigating grief, confusion or simply want space to reflect on your relationship with your father. This Sunday in the States it's Father's Day, and this day always brings up a lot for me, and it's all conflicting. I feel so grateful for my husband. He is truly the best dad to our son. My father-in-law is awesome but I also feel sad because both of my dads are gone now. I feel regret that I didn't get to know my biological dad better, a little bit of melancholy over the complicated nature of my relationship with my adopted dad and honestly it makes me think of my mom's too, because my adopted mom passed away on Father's Day, june 15th 2008,. And my biological mom passed just two days later, on June 17th. So to say this particular time of year brings up a lot is kind of an understatement. Just yesterday, my husband asked me if I was okay. I guess I held onto a hug a little longer than I usually do and in that pause, before I answered, he was like that's a no, what's going on? And I just said the truth, which is it's the being an orphan thing. Father day just reminds me and I'm going to rephrase my husband's response because I can't remember his exact words, but this is what I took from it.

Speaker 1 2:06

Sometimes we get caught up in remembering what's hard. We focus on what we've lost, what we've missed, what we wish had been different, and we spend so long in that place that we forget to notice or appreciate what we found, what we've caught, what we've loved about, what's here and what's now, and I think that's why this day feels so layered to me. It is this intense mix of sorrow and sweetness. I've known the ache of fatherlessness and I've also witnessed the incredible power of fatherhood up close and personal in the man I married. He is so present, so loving, so completely devoted to our son. Watching him parent has been healing in ways I did not expect for myself. And while I've lost both of my dads and both of my moms, I've also found my family, my home, my people, my community, and for those of you out there who are navigating complicated feelings this weekend maybe grief, maybe resentment, confusion I want to say it's okay. It's okay to feel all of it all at once. We don't have to pick one narrative. You can miss your dad and feel grateful for your partner. You can wish things had been different in your childhood and still appreciate the good. You can feel love and anger, sorrow and joy and not be broken. That's just part of the human experience.

Speaker 1 3:48

So often my clients diminish their pain. They say things like it wasn't that bad, or they'll say something like I'm a bad daughter for not wanting to talk to my father. First of all, don't do that. Don't make it out to be less awful than it was, whether you experienced outright abuse, abandonment or neglect or more subtle but just as damaging forms of hurt, like never feeling good enough, being the art kid with the jock dad who didn't understand, or simply not being the child he wanted. That's hard. Don't pretend it's not.

Speaker 1 4:25

We all strive for our parents' love. It's biological. We need them to care for us and when we sense that we're falling short of earning that love and I mean, let's be clear you shouldn't have to do anything to earn the love. But I know I am not the only one who felt like they had to perform, that they had to do something in order to deserve their parents' love. So if we feel like we're falling short, it creates this deep-rooted fear, the kind that whispers you won't be taken care of if you keep going like this, if you don't fix what's wrong with you. And if that fear actually plays out if we are neglected or hurt. Well, that's the recipe for all the lifelong issues people joke about on Instagram. But they're still very, very real, no matter how much we try to make light of them.

Speaker 1 5:20

And secondly, you are human. I know I say that all the time, but like I think we forget, we start trying to hold ourselves up to some unrealistic standard, especially if we are on the inner growth, spiritual development path. Then we have all these sorts of expectations about how we're supposed to feel or how we're supposed to handle a situation. Just stop it. You're human. No one wants to be in close contact with someone who's hurt them, even if that person is their father, or their mother, for that matter.

Speaker 1 5:51

Remember episode 67? Two things can be true. You can see your dad through the lens of the divine, as a fallible human who was likely doing the best he could with the tools he had. More on that Monday. You can feel compassion, even love, for this person and you can still be hurt, you can still wish he had done things differently, you can still crave an apology or the kind of affection you may never get.

Speaker 1 6:23

It's confusing and this comes up all the time in my sessions people wrestling with how to handle a painful parental relationship. Do I cut them out completely? Do I keep seeing them, even though it drains me? Is there some kind of in-between that doesn't feel like a betrayal to them or to myself? It can be complicated. No one can or should tell you what to do. But what I can offer is this you will make the most aligned decision when you've done some serious inner inquiry first.

Speaker 1 6:57

So I want to give you some journaling prompts today to help guide that process. If you decide you want to follow any of these prompts, make sure that you set aside some quiet time to do it. If you're a meditator, answer these prompts after you meditate or after you pray, or just sit in stillness for a few moments, if you really want to get something of that, something out of this. You've got to create the space for the wisdom and the intuition to come through. So just set yourself up for success and give yourself some quiet time where you won't be interrupted before you pull out your journal and try to do these. So, number one if you could say one thing to your father whether he's alive or not, and know that it would land exactly as you intended, what would you say? Go back and listen to episode 11. If this is the prompt you choose, that's the one where I talk about how to write a letter to give yourself an apology that you never received. It might help.

Speaker 1 8:02

Number two, prompt two how can you honor what you needed growing up, even if you didn't get it? So I want you to think about what you felt like was missing in your relationship with your dad, and is there any way that you can give some of that to yourself this week, or especially this weekend? So say, you really felt like he did not support you pursuing the things that mattered to you. Well, can you go out and do some of that for yourself this weekend? Can you share it with a friend or a spouse, or your kid, maybe? Give yourself what you always wish you'd had. And if you happen to have a child, if you are a parent, maybe think about paying it forward. Is there a way you can support your child with something they really need? Question three combine the first two prompts. Consider writing two short letters one to your father the truth you never got to say, and one to your younger self, what you wish your father had said to you. You don't have to send them, but you might be surprised what comes through in writing things out.

Speaker 1 9:16

Prompt four you can use one of the questions from my last episode, like what story am I telling myself about my relationship with my dad? What am I believing to be true? What's belief? What's fact? Byron Katie's Loving what Is is a really useful framework for this one. I'll link it in the show notes.

Speaker 1 9:37

Prompt five last one what are the gifts, even if they came wrapped in pain?

Speaker 1 9:43

What can I learn from my relationship with my father? What strength or clarity did this relationship bring me? The last thing I want to say today is that if this day, if father's day, brings up a lot for you, whether it's grief, anger or even gratitude or some combination thereof, let it Ask yourself one of my favorite questions, dear heart, what do you need today? And then try to actually give it to yourself. Take care of you, nourish, nurture, love yourself, especially if Father's Day is hard for any reason and if you're, like me, trying to balance feeling grief and sadness over the loss of my dad's while also feeling joy and gratitude for how wonderful a father my husband is to our son.

Speaker 1 10:38

Well, make space for that. Give yourself some time to be alone and feel all the difficult feelings and then get back into celebration mode of what you have now, of the life you've built now. And if you're parenting now, especially if you're doing the sacred work of breaking cycles, I see you You're already doing something powerful just by showing up with intention. So, to all the dads out there showing up with love, thank you To my husband, thank you for being the father you are to our son, to my father-in-law, thank you for being the fun present grandpa you are. And to anyone listening who has a complex relationship with your father, I get it. I'm with you. You're not alone. That's all for today.

Speaker 1 11:25

If you have any thoughts or reflections, I would love to hear from you. You could message me directly on Spotify or email me at rootsoftherise at gmailcom, and if this episode helped you in any way, please pass it along to someone else who might need it. Next week on Monday, we'll dive into the question what if our parents really were doing the best they could? It's one of my favorite conversations and I can't wait to share it with you. Until then, know who you are, love who you've been and be willing to do the work to become who you want to be. Just a quick reminder this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist, and nothing shared here educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist and nothing shared here is meant to replace the guidance of a physician, therapist or any other qualified provider. That said, I hope it inspires you to grow, heal and seek the support you need to thrive.