In the last episode, we talked about how unconditional love does not equate to unconditional connection. If you've ever worried that setting boundaries makes you unclear, this episode is really good. Today we're diving into what that actually looks like in practice. How to set boundaries like you aligned with your truth and connected to the people you love. Welcome to Roots of Surprise with me, Sarah Hope, where spiritual wisdom meets practical tools in short episodes. Each one is a taster, not a deep dive, meant to spark curiosity and guide you toward authentic alignment. In the last episode, we explored a powerful truth. Unconditional love does not equate to unconditional permission. Real love includes boundaries, truth, and self-respect. We talked about how people pleasing and self-sacrifice often come from old conditioning, the belief that being good means never disappointing others, and how that pattern slowly disconnects us from our inner voice. Love without boundaries is not sustainable. It leads to resentment, exhaustion, and disconnection from our truth. So today we're taking that understanding and turning it into a practice. We're talking about how to set boundaries that honor your truth and deepen your relationships. Jaya John says, your boundary need not be an angry electric fence that shocks those who touch it. It can be a consistent light around you that announces I will be treated sacredly. That's what true loving boundaries are. Not angry, not defensive, but luminous and clear. Unconditional love is full of all the facets of the heart, acceptance, presence, gratitude, forgiveness, compassion. But all of those qualities are strongest when they are aligned with your truth. Love can remain steady even when behavior has consequences. You know, when my kid throws his shoes on the floor and storms away because I said no to a popsicle, the love doesn't go away when I insist he comes back and put the shoes away. You know, it's just setting limits. It's not withdrawing love. Love can also be present when ending or redefining a relationship. It's possible to walk away from someone you love very deeply simply because they are unwilling or unable to honor your boundaries. Boundaries are not a withdrawal of love, they're a form of truth-telling, of being honest about who you are, what you want, and what's acceptable to you. You get to do that. Only you have the right to determine what is okay for you and what's not. That said, you do need to communicate those boundaries clearly to the people in your life. As Brene Brown reminds us, clear is kind, unclear is unkind. You can't hold someone to a standard you have not clearly communicated. On the flip side, it's equally important to honor others' boundaries, learning to not take them personally, to accept what someone is capable of giving, and to decide whether that's enough for you. I mean, that's just part of healthy relating. It's that person giving you clear guidelines as to what actually being a good friend, spouse, coworker is for them. As Stephen Sherba says, if someone communicates their boundaries, that's them trying to keep you in their life, not push you away. And once they've communicated it to you, you get to decide whether it works for you or not. You know, one of the most loving things anyone can do in a relationship, any type of relationship, is clearly define their boundaries so that everyone is on the same page and everyone understands what might constitute a misstep. Now, it's not like you have to go through some sort of relationship disclosure boundary contract at the beginning of every friendship. You know, this is something that typically just kind of comes up as it comes up. You may have some friends that never cross your boundaries. I've got, I mean, one of my best friends, she never has. You know, we've we've known each other for what, six years now, and she has yet to ever cross a boundary of mine. Whereas I have other uh, you know, new friendships or in a relationship, I've had experiences where a boundary has been crossed. And the point here is to respond in the moment when things happen, not to let it fester, not to keep your mouth shut, but to be clear about what need of yours wasn't met or what boundary was crossed. Sure, sometimes you might need a little bit of time to think that through and figure out how you want to approach it, but something needs to be said. So, how do we actually do that? How do we communicate boundaries in a healthy way? One of the best tools I found, which I talk about all the time, is nonviolent communication because it helps you share your feelings and needs as a request, not a demand. The only difference between requests and demands is how you act when the other person says no. And the difference between a demand and a boundary, well, a boundary is about what you will or won't do to honor your well-being. A demand is about what you want someone else to do to make you feel okay. Boundaries come from self-responsibility, demands come from control or attachment to outcome. For example, a boundary. If you raise your voice, I'll step away until we can both speak calmly. Demand. You need to stop yelling at me. Another example. Boundary. I'm not available to text after 9 p.m. Demand. You have to stop texting me so late. Do you feel the energetic difference? Boundaries feel clear, calm, grounded, self-contained. They protect your energy without attacking or blaming. Demands feel charged, anxious, or rigid. They try to control another person's behavior to reduce your own discomfort. Here are a few more examples of loving boundary language. I care about you, and I also need some space right now to process. That doesn't work for me, but thank you for understanding. I'd love to support you, but I don't have the capacity to take that on right now. I'm not available for that, but here's what I can do. Each of these communicates with both truth and care. It's love without self-abandonment. Boundaries keep you in your power. You are responsible for your own choices. Demands keep you dependent. Your peace hinges on someone else's compliance. When you express a true boundary, you're saying, I am in charge of how I participate. When you make a demand, you're saying, I need you to change. Boundaries are an act of authenticity. They're how we live in alignment with our values and energy. Demands, even when well-intentioned, they come from fear often, trying to control others or circumstances to feel safe. And it's important to notice your own reaction when someone else sets a boundary with you. Do you feel rejected, defensive, angry? Those moments are invitations to explore your own comfort with limits and self-responsibility. Healthy boundaries, they don't create distance. They create clarity. They're like bumpers on a bowling lane. They keep things flowing in the right direction. Doesn't mean you're always going to get a strike. Things can still go astray, but at least you're not going in the gutter. Perhaps a better analogy and one that I hear all the time is that one that likens boundaries to walls, that boundaries are walls that we put up. But they shouldn't be. Walls, you know, they they shut people out, they keep you isolated, they avoid connection. But boundaries, boundaries, they provide safety, but at the same time, they create the conditions for deeper connection. They're smart. That's what I like to think of them as like a smart house. You know, they adapt, they evolve with relationships and circumstances. Whereas walls, once they're built, they're rigid, they don't change. Boundaries are empowering, they create that sense of safety, they help with inner alignment. But walls, because of that rigidity, they limit you. You're stuck with them. So if you're not sure kind of where you're at in this process, or if you've got boundaries or walls or what, if you want to just start thinking about it, well, here are a couple practices for you to experiment with. Some might resonate more than others, depending on what your particular challenge is or not. Okay, so first one, pause before saying yes to anything, adding something to your schedule, going somewhere, doing a chore, taking something else on, whatever it is, and repeat to yourself the affirmation that just because something is in my capacity does not make it my responsibility. Just say that again for yourself if you are a people pleaser. Just because something is in my capacity does not make it my responsibility. All right. Second one, if you are one of those people who you say no, but you have this like underlying need to just over-explain why, remember, no is a complete sentence. So for you, the practice might be to let go of that need to explain why you are saying no. Just try to say no, end story. See how that feels. Another way you might want to work on boundaries is by choosing rest, stopping altogether, listening to yourself even when you could keep going. So maybe this looks like not responding to text, emails, phone calls right away. What's that expression? Bad planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on mine, right? Really recognizing that you are not at the universe's back and call. You do not need to respond to everyone. Uh, Taylor Swift just said in an interview that you should think of your energy as if it's expensive, as if it's a luxury item. Not everyone can afford it. So double check yourself. You know, if you're staying up late clearing out your inbox, is that really necessary? Or are you just doing it because you've got some sort of uh lack of boundary with work, for instance? Okay, here's another one. And this is more of a recognition than a practice. Just ask yourself, notice, are you someone who is constantly trying to fix, rescue, or manage other people's comfort? Are you constantly on the lookout, making sure that everybody else's needs are taken care of, but are neglecting your own? So notice how often you do that. Maybe keep track of how many times you do it over the course of a week. And just one more thing, you know, kind of on track with that, but with all of these things, also notice, you know, what it feels like in your body when you recognize that maybe your actions are either upsetting or disappointing someone else. Disappointing is a big one. So notice that it's okay. It's okay for others to feel disappointed or upset. I mean, that is part of healthy differentiation. It's another, you know, aspect of this whole not taking responsibility for other people's uh emotional or mental well-being. Now, I'm not saying we want to go out and obviously purposefully do or say anything that's going to upset someone, but recognize that, you know, sometimes it's going to happen. Other people are not going to be happy with the fact that we have a certain boundary or are actually holding a boundary. And so we want to see how we feel about that, investigate that. You know, when you start holding boundaries, it is likely going to feel uncomfortable. And that's okay. It's not a sign you're doing it wrong. It's a sign you're doing something new. I mean, if you are used to people pleasing, setting a boundary can feel like guilt, anxiety, or even a bit of panic, like you're letting someone down, or that, you know, the fear is that the love might be withdrawn. But what's really happening is that you are rewiring your nervous system, actually, your whole system as a your system as a whole, to recognize safety in truth instead of safety in approval. You know, at first, this can feel really tense or awkward in relationship if you're not usually someone who does that, does this. But when these boundaries are aligned, when they are true to your values and your energy, they start to feel peaceful, clean, and clear. Like you can literally feel it in your body. The tightness in your chest will soften, your breathing will deepen, there'll be a sense of grounded spaciousness, like you've come home to yourself, because that is the energy of alignment. That is the energy that creates the space where love and respect can actually coexist. So here are some more questions to ask yourself, some more things to think about. Where in your life do you confuse control with care? How does your body feel when you're honoring a boundary versus when you're breaking one? What relationships feel lighter when you get clear about your limits? Or maybe more easy to access? What relationships feel strained right now because you are not clear about your limits? What's one boundary that would bring more peace into your week? And lastly, where do you need to remind yourself it's not my job to make everyone comfortable? Healthy boundaries are not barriers, they are bridges to more authentic connection. The more you honor them, the more freely love can flow. If this episode resonated with you, take a few minutes this week to journal, reflect, or practice saying no with compassion and clarity. Thanks so much for joining me today. If you have any questions or want to suggest a topic, please email me at Sarah at risingwithsarah.com, and that's Sarah with the H. I hope you have a wonderful weekend, and remember, know who you are, love who you've been, and be willing to do the work to become who you're meant to be. Just a quick reminder this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist, and nothing shared here is meant to replace the guidance of a physician, therapist, or any other qualified provider. That said, I hope it inspires you to grow, heal, and seek the support you need to thrive.