Speaker 1 0:13

Welcome to Roots of the Rise with me , sarah Hogan . This week we're exploring our emotional programming , and we can't have that conversation without talking about guilt . So let's dive into this particularly challenging aspect of our emotional feedback system . I think it's pretty safe to say we've all felt it . We've all felt guilt at some point . We feel it for all sorts of things for little things , for small things , like sneaking that extra cookie right , having a guilty pleasure moment and we feel it for big things . We feel it when we have wronged someone , when we have done something that's hurt someone , or when we do something that's not really aligning with our own values

Understanding Guilt's Role

Speaker 1 0:57

. I mean , that's where guilt comes from . It arises when we fall short of our own expectations or values . It's this signal that we've done something wrong or something that doesn't match up with who we want to be , and often it brings with it a sense of responsibility or a call to repair , meaning to apologize or certainly to change the behavior . Now , whether or not we do that , whether or not we follow through on taking responsibility for the action or changing it well , that remains to be seen . But we need to understand that guilt is a very polarizing emotion . One day we feel good because we made a healthy choice , we ate well , we did not eat the extra cookie or have that cupcake , and the next day we're bad because we indulged . We did eat the Dorito bag , we skipped the gym . Have you ever told yourself that ? Have you ever heard that voice in your head saying , oh , I was bad yesterday because I ate that or , oh , look how good I'm being today . I got my workout in ? That kind of self-judgment is destabilizing . It ties our worth to our actions and teaches us that love and belonging and value are conditional . Over time , this pattern can cause guilt to morph into shame , and that's a key distinction . Guilt says I did something bad , shame says I am bad . Today we're focusing on guilt , not to demonize it , but to understand its purpose and its power .

Speaker 1 2:40

One of the books that I've recommended when it comes to chakral exploration is by Anadeya Judith Well , actually , two of the books that I've recommended when it comes to chakral exploration is by Anadeya Judith Well , actually , two of the books are and she reminds

Guilt as a Teacher

Speaker 1 2:51

us that guilt is a teacher when it guides us , but a demon when it binds us . Just think about that for a second . Take it in Guilt is a teacher when it guides us , but a demon when it binds us . What she means is guilt is an invitation to reflect on our actions , to grow and to course correct . It can motivate us to take accountability , avoid future harm , repair relationships . In that way it serves a positive function , a positive purpose , just as all emotions do , even the ones that we deem quote unquote negative .

Speaker 1 3:33

You know , sometimes guilt shows up to help us feel safe , connected or accepted , by driving us to please others or adhere to societal norms . It can be a way to belong , to feel in control or even to feel righteous . But let's be honest , it can also be a way to keep ourselves small , trapped and bound by old programming . The danger comes when guilt becomes chronic , internalized and toxic . It can start to distort our sense of self , block our joy and disconnect us from our inherent worth . It's the illusion that we've lost our divinity through our actions . But here's the truth we never lose the spark of the divine . We may lose our way , but we never lose our light .

Speaker 1 4:22

Healing guilt doesn't mean ignoring it . It doesn't mean that we disregard that we've done something wrong , something hurtful or harmful , whether it's to others or to ourselves . Healing guilt means cultivating an ability to listen to it with discernment , being able to recognize when it's guiding us and when it's binding us . You are not a better person because you feel guilt or because you fear guilt , or because you feel guilty all the time . No , you become a better person . You come back to wholeness when you learn how to be moved by guilt , how to allow your guilt to be infused with love and purpose and compassion , when you make guilt a useful emotion . We need to reframe guilt not as a punishment , but as a call back to alignment , as a tool , a feedback signal that helps us reestablish ourselves in the flow of truth , integrity and wholeness . So one of the ways we can work with guilt and learn from it is to examine the forces that influence our actions at the time we did the thing .

Speaker 1 5:42

So some examples let's say you were a child who did really poorly in school . You didn't get good grades , you were constantly in detention , that sort of thing , and you feel really guilty , even as an adult , for how kind of poorly you showed up for your education . Well , how volatile was your home life ? Was your home life a complete mess ? How did that influence your ability to show up for your education ?

Speaker 1 6:12

What if you are now a very needy person . Self-described , or your friends describe you as being a very needy person . You need a lot of attention , whatever . Well , what needs of yours weren't met in the past ? Right , have you been in a situation where you consistently find your needs not being met ? Is that driving the quote unquote neediness ? What if you are a person who is always the one who ends the relationship ? You've never been , you know , broken up with ? You're always the one doing the breaking up . Well , is it because there's a fear of being abandoned ? Bender to be the one to leave than to be the one left ? This is what we mean when we say that it's important to kind of examine what were the forces , what are the forces that influenced you to act the way you did or do ?

Speaker 1 7:08

So I want to give you some questions to examine something that you might feel guilty about . I always caution people whenever I lead this in like a group workshop or whatnot , that when you do something like this for the first time , do not use what I call a quote unquote Mount Everest moment . So , not the thing you feel most guilty about , your worst action ever . Don't use that . Pick something small , like feeling guilty that you missed one of your son's soccer practices or forgot to send a card for a friend's birthday , because that literally just happened . And later on that night I saw one of those speeches that an athlete was giving who won some sort of award . And of course they say and I'm so thankful for my mom , who never missed a single practice which automatically made me wince . So I'm going to use that . But you , you might want to pause here and just get whatever you want to think about firmly in mind and then hit play again as we go through the following questions . Okay , let's do this .

Seven Questions for Processing Guilt with example

Speaker 1 8:17

Question number one put the guilty behavior in context . So what were the forces acting on you at the time In the example of me , in the soccer practice that I missed , I was swamped , my day had gone completely sideways . I had a deadline . I wasn swamped . My day had gone completely sideways . I had a deadline I wasn't ready for , I had a brewing migraine and my allergies were absolutely killing me .

Speaker 1 8:40

Question number two examine the motives , drives and needs underlying your behavior . What were you trying to satisfy or accomplish ? Well , I was trying to get my work done so that I could both do the bedtime routine with the kid and get to bed at a reasonable time for myself . Plus , I wanted to give the migraine meds a moment to kick in so that I could do anything at all and I really wanted to avoid being outside because the allergies were so bad and I knew it was going to make them worse . So this is an interesting one for me because , honestly , it wasn't . I didn't do sports to know what I was bad at , what I needed to work on , so that she could get on my case to do things better . Interesting Okay , that just gave me an aha moment .

Speaker 1 9:57

I did go to soccer practice last night and my husband , who was an athlete who played soccer , he was giving my son some points during the water breaks , some suggestions , and I found myself getting , like progressively more agitated and I just realized why , like I have this worry that constructive feedback is going to shut my kid down , that , even though I intellectually understand that my husband is saying it very lovingly , my son is receiving the information very well and like ran back out onto the field and did the thing my husband suggested and it worked , and he looked back and gave my husband like two thumbs up , so like , clearly this is a very healthy dynamic , but I was so overcorrected as a child and perfectionism became such a really destructive trait of mine that I , like , have a hair trigger about it and I started to get worried that my son was going to have that same kind of perfectionist programming . Interesting , I'll have to share that with my husband and that'll explain why I was a little bit cranky last night . But anyway , thank you , thank you for listening to me sort that out in my head . I'm such a verbal processor . Sometimes just talking it out helps me understand . So I know that was a bit of a digression , so let's get back on track . Okay , so that was question three .

Speaker 1 11:22

Question four See how your underlying needs can be more directly and appropriately filled . Okay , so for me . Well , in this case I think it's just time management , also doing all of my allergy mitigation protocols more consistently . That's what comes to mind . All right . Number five take stock of any harm caused and find ways of making amends . Okay , so in my case I did that a little preemptively . I did ask my son if it would be okay for me to miss and he said he was fine with it . But I can always follow up now and ask him like , how did that feel ? Was it okay or did it bother you later ?

Speaker 1 12:04

Generally , though , if you're not sure how to make amends , you can usually just ask , like ask the person that you wronged A little bit harder when it's yourself . You know when you've wronged yourself . For instance , you know when you ate the thing you weren't supposed to eat , when you ate that extra cookie . I don't know why I'm obsessed with cookies today , but say you ate the extra cookie . I don't know why I'm obsessed with cookies today , but say you ate the extra cookie . Well then you can talk to yourself . Okay , how can I make amends to myself for doing that ? I don't know , maybe you don't buy cookies for a week , or you , you know , heap an extra serving of vegetables on your plate . I don't know . I don't know what it would be for you , but something like that . But back to making amends .

Speaker 1 12:46

Listen to episode 18 . That one is about forgiveness and giving or receiving an apology that you never got , and it'll give you some more ideas for this particular step . Okay , step number six I'll review all of these at the end . Step number six make a plan for a new behavior . So for me , it'll be based on how my son responds when I ask if it really did bother him or not . Maybe I don't need to feel guilty about missing a practice or two . Maybe that's fine . And if it's not , then I need to once again retool my schedule and make sure that on those days that he has practice , no matter what that he has practiced , no matter what . That's the priority . Okay , number seven forgive yourself and move on .

Speaker 1 13:31

Easier said than done , sometimes , right ? Sometimes we hold on to guilt forever . I mean , even after the person we've wronged forgives us . Even after , you know , years have passed , we look back on an action that we've done that maybe just hurt us and we have a hard time forgiving ourselves for that . And if that's the case , then self-forgiveness , self-compassion , should really be on our quote-unquote need-to-learn-this to-do list . Don't worry , we'll talk about it a bit next week when we talk about our programming regarding how we feel about ourselves . And if we don't get to it , then I'm sure we'll talk more about it as we move on . Because you know the self-compassion , self-forgiveness concept . It is crucial for our ability to grow . I believe it is Leland Van de Waal who said the degree to which a person can grow is directly proportional to the amount of truth he can accept about himself without running away , and it's very hard to face difficult truths about ourselves if we don't then follow that up with some self-compassion and self-forgiveness .

Speaker 1 14:36

Okay , so

Seven Questions for Processing Guilt without any commentary

Speaker 1 14:37

I'm going to run down the questions just one more time , just in order , with nothing else . Here we go . Number one put the guilty behavior in context . Number two examine the motives , drives and needs underlying your behavior . What were you trying to satisfy or accomplish ? Number three look for ways that the behavior might have been modeled for you . Number four see how your underlying needs can be more directly and appropriately filled . Number five take stock of any harm caused and find ways of making amends . Number six make a plan for new behavior . Number seven forgive yourself and move on . That is all for today . Just a reminder .

Speaker 1 15:25

These episodes are not meant to cover every angle of a topic . They're short . There's no way we could . So , of course , this isn't everything you need to know or understand about guilt . It's just one piece of the puzzle , it's just one thing to think about in regards to guilt . And be easy on yourself as you contemplate something you feel guilty about . Like , do I need to say this again ? Don't feel like you need to do it alone , Even if it's just talking it out with your best friend , with the one person in the world who knows what you're feeling guilty about . Be supported , allow yourself to be loved . If you have any questions or thoughts , feel free to click the message me button if you're listening on Spotify , or you can always send an email to rootsoftherise at gmailcom . And don't forget to follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode . I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day and remember , know who you are , love who you've been and be willing to do the work to become who you want to be .